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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Unrecognized (Revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: secret moon
    Elite Ratio:    6.54 - 687/427/57
    Words: 429
    Class/Type: Prose/Longing
    Total Views: 1365
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2339



    Description:
       Is this still too wordy? Please let me know I am open to all comments. Give me every single problem.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnrecognized (Revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    She stood on the landing above the main theater, above the warm darkness and the contentment of the crowd below. Her eyes were lined in cheap, smeared mascara.. No one noticed her and she noticed no one – no one, that is, except for the couple on the third row, three seats from the aisle. They were perhaps the happiest couple among many happy couples, lost in a world of their own creation as they cuddled and whispered together in the shadowy realm before the stage. To her, it was as if an acrid, bitter smoke drifted up from their enjoyment of each other, a smoke that stung her nostrils and smeared her mind with the blackness of anguish and despair.

    As she watched (not the performance on stage, but the more important drama being played out between the twosome), the woman leaned over to the man and murmured something in his ear, and they stood and inched out of the row as unobtrusively as possible – while, of course, maintaining an unbreakable hold on the other’s hand. She sucked in a breath, tightening her grip on the railing. Her knuckles blushed white and the veins lining her pale hands stood out from her skin. His arm snaked around the woman’s waist as they ascended the stairway. Memories in the back of her brain threatened all at once to rush out of their hiding places to flood her mind with the stuff of shadows: recollections, remembrances, reminiscences. But she wasn’t about to lose control again. Once in a day was enough.

    The pair stopped at the top of the steps to speak to the usher, who smiled wryly and then gestured toward the dimly lit corridors that led to the lobby. Her cheeks flushed as they glanced past her in the direction of the usher’s hand, burning with the fire that had been raging, unquenchable, deep inside her since. . . since only a few weeks ago, although it felt like eternity and a day. Then, as if drawn by fate, the man and the woman started toward her. Her cheeks’ fire peaked. Just before they passed, just before she gained the courage to speak, she ducked her face behind a shielding hand, staring down at the railing, feigning concentration on its intricate design, while the whole time her mind was wholly riveted on the two traitors strolling, arm in arm, right behind her.

    Of course, they never even noticed her.




    Submitted on 2005-01-10 21:03:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      To me, this seems more like the beginning of a novel than a short story - there's too much that's unexplained for this too really be complete. I'm curious: what has happened to the narrator to make her so bitter, does she know this couple? I want to read on and see her story develop, but there is no more! If you think through a decent plot with these characters, this could be the start of something big. It certainly makes me want to read on...
    | Posted on 2005-04-11 00:00:00 | by just_a_girl | [ Reply to This ]
      I sometimes just pick someone off the people page and read their stuff. hence, my comment. I think this is very profound, very well-written and that you have an innate talent for writing. do not give it up. keep doing it and one day we will know your real name as a household word. I commend you.
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      while i like what i've done for this revision, i'm gonna be heinous and overstep my boundaries and edit this - if you'd like explanations, PM me, i'd be happy to explain myself.
    ~~~
    She stood on the landing above the main theater, above the warm darkness and the contentment of the crowd below. Her eyes were lined in cheap, smeared mascara. No one noticed her and she noticed no one – no one, save the couple in the third row, three seats from the aisle. Perhaps the happiest couple among many happy couples, lost in a world of their own creation as they cuddled and whispered together in the shadowy realm before the stage. In her mind an acrid, bitter smoke drifted up from their enjoyment of each other, a smoke that stung her nostrils and smeared her mind with the blackness of anguish and despair.

    She watched the pair with a singular, almost fanatical interest. Riveted to the woman leaning over to the man, murmuring something in his ear, the couple stood and inched out of the row as unobtrusively as possible – all the while their hands securely linked. She sucked in a breath, tightening her grip on the railing. Her knuckles blushed white and the veins lining her pale hands stood out from her skin. His arm snaked around the woman’s waist as they ascended the stairway.

    Memories in the back of her brain threatened all at once to rush out of their hiding places to flood her mind with the stuff of shadows: recollections, remembrances, reminiscences. But she wasn’t about to lose control again. Once in a day was enough.

    The pair stopped at the top of the steps to speak to the usher, who smiled wryly and then gestured toward the dimly lit corridors that led to the lobby. Her cheeks flushed as they glanced past her in the direction of the usher’s hand. Her skin burned with the fire that had been raging, unquenchable, deep inside her since. . . since a paltry few weeks ago, feeling more like an eternity and a day. As if drawn by fate, the man and the woman started toward her. Her cheeks’ fire peaked. Just before they passed, just before she gained the courage to speak, she ducked her face behind a shielding hand, staring down at the railing, feigning concentration on its intricate design, while her mind was wholly fixated on the two traitors strolling, arm in arm, right behind her.

    They never even noticed her.
    ~~~
    There were some detailing that you edited out from the first draft that i liked and sections that you edited that i thought were great edits. I know how much pain it is to revise your work, which is why it's rare that I revise any of it (except short stories or novels). Great job, even better editing. =]

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      A bunch of idiots. I guess the whole "he dumped me so I'm stalking him and he's so insenstive he doesn't even notice me" sort of sentiment doesn't exist in their little minds. A sequal would defeat its purpose.

    I think the parentheses are for people like those who have commented here and said it was too short. There's a constrained tone to the narrator that suits the main character's sentiments, and all the hints you'd need to know that the girl had, and has, feelings for the couple (I can't be sure if it was the guy or the girl but I sure hope it's the guy). Now, jealousy is a very, very bad thing. But polygamy is worse.

    Now, onto the actual review.

    The ambiguity of tone, both in the passage and the title itself, are to be expected, lest the nature of the story be given away. Yet the drawn-out sensation that lingers within the lines implies a possible combination of details to create more powerful phrasing. For instance, the first two sentences, one detailing her smeared mascara, the other simply her location and exposition for the entire story, could be combined so that the first sentence refers to her eyes. "Two eyes mascara-smeared eyes held themselves above the warm, content crowds below," or something of that same idea, would be somewhat more concise and more informative, if not interest-attracting, to the reader. The third sentence reveals the bias of the narrator; it almost peers into the protagonist's head and speaks from her perspective, naming the couple down to the last row, jettisoning any sort of ambiguity the preceding sentences created at all. Be this intentional, the third sentence makes sense, though probably might be more poignant if somehow the negative sentiments could be woven into the description, and the following sentence shortened a bit, for it disrupts the rhythm of the prose and is somewhat verbose.
    There are no pleonastic paragraphs in this passage, but the inclusion of several borderline run-ons quite defies the taciturn, tight-lipped mood the speaker attempts to create. If the last sentence cannot be broken into smaller portions, the extended metaphor might use a little trimming down.
    The following paragraph begins to settle down, although the parentheses, as previously mentioned by others, will only aid the less astute, and instead appears extraneous to the watchful eye. The details are all well-chosen, but the wording doesn't quite fit perfectly, once again departing from the tight-lipped envy that the speaker probably should be implying. The "once a day" presumably explains her attendence of the show, and deserves extol, if it's what it appears to be. More of such downplayed mental turmoil would better explain the protagonist's emotions and hint more strongly at her trauma.
    Finally, the last paragraph. There's no readily available reason the hallway to the lobby should be ill-lit, lest the riddle here refers to what commonly happens in dim areas, and even so, the usher shouldn't allow such an activity. It's also unclear how she manages to watch the couple and have them pass by her on the way to the lobby as well, unless this is a free show or those on their way from the lobby must pay a passerby fee. A more...abrupt pace in the final paragraph would do the actual sensations going on more justice in what seems to be the climax, and no, you should not remove the 'of course,' for there's irony in those words.

    Keep them. And please la intelligencia.

    *laughs*
    | Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by EternitysLyre | [ Reply to This ]
      Ahhh yes this was much more comprhendable to the simple-minded person I tend to be. You did and excellent job catching the "spying" persons emotions and portraying them with beautiful words and amazing imagery.

    This is excellent, and although everyone else says they thik you need more, I say stop right here. This is an excerpt from a movie we dont care to see. Something we come stright into the middle of, and although we want to hear the sad tale its best we not. Because then we can see just the scene of pain, which is the most effective. Everything else leads to this very scene you chose.

    Excellent job secret!!!

    --Kayla
    | Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
      Alright... here we go:

    First:

    "No one noticed her and she noticed no one – no one, that is, except for the couple on the third row, three seats from the aisle."

    This is fine, except for the part of "no one - none that is..." That to me has been used so many times and is almost a cliché. Maybe take out the entire phrase "no one, that is,".


    Second:

    "As she watched (not the performance on stage, but the more important drama being played out between the twosome), "

    Instead of the parenthsis, maybe something like, "as she watched the drama unfold off stage" or something like that. The parenthis break up the flow of the peice, which is wonderful, BTW...

    Third:

    "possible – while, of course, maintaining "

    Thie hyphene does the same thing as the parenthisis to me. It break the flow. It is not really needed, IMHO.

    Fourth:

    "Her cheeks flushed as they glanced past her in the direction of the usher’s hand,"

    In this part, I am not clear right away if you are speaking of the person whom the story is about or the woman in the couple. Maybe put "Watching, her cheeks flushed...". It might make it more clear to the reader immediately.

    Fifth:

    "eternity and a day" is a cliché. Ask yourself, "What is eternity and a day?" Try to come up with a concise way to describe this that is unique.



    This is a really good peice. I kept reading and was told to do so by the next word I read. It kept my interest up and you have a great talent. Just those suggestions is all I have.

    Keep it up... you are very good at what you do...


    Indigo Kid
    | Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by Indigo Kid | [ Reply to This ]


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