I am alone by Writer Chic

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Submission Name: I am alone dots

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Author:	Writer Chic
ASL Info:	15/F/at my house
Elite Ratio:	4.83 - 100/101/26
Words:	61

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	567
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	408

Description:
I hopw you like thw write!

I am alone dots

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As I walk alone,
everything seems to turn into stone.
I am alone,
with not one unbroken bone.
Not from the sticks and the stones,
but from the painful thinking of you.

My heart’s been bruised,
not to forget, been used.
I am bruised,
to all extremities, confused.
My soul is deserted
with not human touch for miles.

Submitted on 2005-01-11 00:35:03 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I too agree with edthepoet on those changes. You used a few words repeatedly and it took away from capturing the feeling. Though it is good. Just needs a few adjustments. I am a fan of short pieces only because it normally makes you think more and the fact that well they are short! lol. You did a nice job here though it could be a tad better. Let me know if you ever update this piece for I would be more than greatful to make it a favorite. Take Care
Jesi
| Posted on 2005-09-06 00:00:00 | by slntfirflm | [ Reply to This ]
  you did much better with this one. Here's a few things that might help your poem:

As I walk alone,
everything seems to turn into stone.
broken bones seem to have set the tone
Not from the sticks and the stones,
from painfulyl thinking of you.

This heart’s been bruised,
to all extremities, confused.
My soul is deserted
with no human touch for miles

With rhymes, you are forced to use words you really don't want to use and they do make them more predictable. But when they are done right,they are very good.
| Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
  a good start. some suggestions (feel free to use 'em or lose 'em):

As I walk alone,
everything seems to turn to stone. – change ‘into’ to ‘to’
alone, - delete ‘I am’
with no unbroken bone. – change ‘not one’ to ‘no’
Not from the sticks and the stones,
but from painful thoughts of you. – change ‘the painful thinking’ to ‘painful ‘thoughts’

My heart’s been bruised,
not to forget, been used.
I am bruised, - try to find another word than repeating ‘bruised’ again
to all extremities, confused.
My soul is deserted
with no human touch for miles. Change ‘not’ to ‘no’
| Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]

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