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This poem was a bit too long,
a bit too rigid,
so with a sharp knife,
I shaved off its skin,
removed its spine
and thin, white bones.
(Now nothing will stick in your throat).
I put it on a plate
with some paper towels
and let the rhyme leak out.
Perhaps in its brief blandness
you'll find something,
a delicacy in its pink flesh
to justify my labour.
| I didn't read all the comments above, so please forgive me if I repeat some of what has already been said.|
I think this is incredibly clever. Though I have heard "better" poems, and certainly in more eloquent words, I don't think that was the point here. There was a clever idea, and you "pared it to the core," pardon the bad pun.
I like poems about writing poems, especially when one manages to hit on a poignant truth, or simply lays it on the line like you have here. You have even gone so far as to express the seeming blandness of the expression, and really it was not bland at all.
This was so well said... an accomplishment as many things can be seen in these few words!
|| Posted on 2010-07-15 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ] || This poem was very interesting and very enjoyable to me. It reminded me of the Old World version of the word "wit." Old World may not be 100% correct, but I hope you know what I mean. ||| Posted on 2009-01-09 00:00:00 | by michellekris10 | [ Reply to This ] || I know what you meant when you wrote this, or at least I think that I do, hehe. Sometimes I tend to let myself kind of ramble in some of my poems. Took the words right out of my mouth...I love how light it was, if that makes any sense. I look forward to reading some of your others.||| Posted on 2007-12-31 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ] || The metaphor is deliciously awesome, I just read it in the ES magazine and I had to find it! What a great idea! It somewhat reminds me of "This poem..." by Elma Mitchell? I think? A girl in class read it out and I love it, I found it on the internet too:|
Keep on keep'n' on.
|| Posted on 2007-10-01 00:00:00 | by Camo Star | [ Reply to This ] || Very nicely done, indeed, seems much like a graduate school exercise in writing poetry...but you have done it nicely very nicely.... (sometimes I think I would like the whole fish, scales and all..) bravo...bravo...bravo... michael||| Posted on 2007-02-22 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ] || another good un' from the cuddledumplin. This is a beautiful way of expressing a sorrow for the watered down, close shaved, manicured poetry and lyrics of today, (though many of mine are brief) an artist must realise that art is about the soul, the heart, and not neccissarily about the fan or simple accessability. Thank's again for ssharing.||| Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by cainboy | [ Reply to This ] || my comments, like your poem, short: beautiful. well poop! apparently you're not allowed to put short comments on this site, so i'll keep typing and taking up space to fill my comment quota...||| Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ] || I've never said your work was "bad," and in this occasion I'm not about to either. Forgive me for butting back into your life and giving you compliments, because I really think you're someone worth knowing, and that whatever the heck I told you that ticked you off wasn't doing you justice. |
I know the feeling, especially a traditionalist that I tend to be. Learah said I included unnecessary words in my work, and that was true, if I wasn't trying to preserve a pretty-sounding rhythm. But I was and I felt the word needed to be there, just like some syllables needed to go away and be apostrophes. The eyes of the critic are harsh and desensitized, and often see not the heart, but focus upon the impurities of its art. Your title was great, and your poem left me wishing for only one thing: a mention of rhythm.
I would say the idea of leaking the rhyme out, though good, sounds passive, and compared to shaving and removing, doesn't quite pack as big a punch. Maybe wringing out the rhythm, deep-fat-frying it in symbols and deep ambiguities, and draining out the rhythm? The implication that rhythm falls apart on its own, if your intention, is clear but sort of difficult to believe from a rhymer like me. And it would sound so much more spiteful if you added negatively connotated verbs to the poem, tinting the piece with more sarcasm and all that good stuff the critics seem to enjoy.
I'd only like it more.
|| Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by EternitysLyre | [ Reply to This ] || I really like the play on words in this piece. To me, it reminds me of a revised poem after a scathing critic has really gone to work on a poem, and although one could say the poem is technically better for the paring, the "soul" could be gone because it's no longer a inspired moment caught in words, but now something that was turned into a chore. Filleting fish is not something that I consider a pleasantry, and the same goes to revising poems... however, it's a necessary evil if we want our stuff to be haute cuisine.|
in some places here, I feel an urge for punctuation, particularly on the first line, which I feel could do with a comma.
I really liked the part about "now there is nothing that can stick in your throat". I feel that is perhaps the most important, but most understated line... I really do like this poem and am very glad that you posted it :)
|| Posted on 2005-01-13 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ] || This is cool..great double entendre throughout...gives it a "cute" quality...very punny...although it poses the question...have you cut away too much? How much is too much...is fish or poetry better with the skin on? hmmmm...guess it's a matter of taste...|
I like "remove the spine"...poses the question...have you made the piece spineless? That doubt gives the poem some spice...while you have a happy ending with the "pink flesh"...you've also perhaps cut away some of the "guts" of the poem...or maybe I'm just reading way too much into this...but that's where my mind goes.
"Now nothing will stick
In your throat"- I like that part too...made me giggle with how clever that is.
|| Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ] || Man. There's been so many good pieces about poems in here lately, and this is no exception. I'm working on one myself. If it's half as good as this one I'll be happy. |
Love the details, like letting the rhyme leak out onto the paper towel, as if rhymes are unwanted juices on a poem (which I can relate to a lot). Rock solid metaphors and images throughout. Thanks to all who convinced you to submit this gem!
|| Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ] || Thanks for your comments made on souls walk and others i read through some of your poems|
your suggestions are good on my good draft before submission I write with your suggestions when it comes to posting on the site alot of comments made did not like the fancier style of writing so i just use hyphens your right they really dont belong in books I write a little different as well I have only been writing for 1 and a half years still lots to learn
i enjoy reading your written work thanx again for comments
|| Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ] || Mmmm I love the idea that "nothing will stick in my throat" the pure lines of thought without the ugly bones. Also, "I let the rhyme leak out" rhyme is good when you're writing in form, but as words are given to us, their natural flow makes a rhythm of its own. I'm glad you posted this one, it's a fine way to describe the process of poetic creation. I like the journal you have up too.. Thanks for sharing this, Amy.|
Hugs and fine linen paper, for your next writes,
|| Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ] || Hmmmm...|
This is an interesring poem, I kinda got lost in the read but I think I understand it. *Sorry, I've been away for quite a while - I just got back online today.
|| Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by psycho_1 | [ Reply to This ] || heh. this is freakin aweseom! It is interesting..but it's just...aweseom. lol. I think you did a good job with it. I think it's cool because it's a poem..about poem.. ||| Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by MyKemicalfailur | [ Reply to This ] || such a tasty little tidbit, Amy! i'm glad that you posted this one. you are punny, aren't you? you've got a great metaphor here, comparing your poems to a fish that you bone and get ready to saute to taste! yummy in the tummy! i specially loved the part about taking out the bones so nothing will stick in the throat.|
|| Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ] || I just really enjoy your concepts for pieces! Just like this one, trimming up a poem that was a bit to 'long' and 'rigid'. Placing it upon a plate, and even making sure that the bones won't stick in the throat. That's important. Love it. You've compared two more unusual things and made it great! Great piece. :) Hugs! |
|| Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ] |
Aha, "popular demand" rules! Thanks for posting this for this demanding leather spinster . I just thought it was clever and laced with satire and great imagery.
It's about the baby and the bathwater isn't it, -when sometimes less is not more, but simply —a lot less.
It's about that carefully planned intimate dinner, the veal picatta, the garlic-basil orzo stuffed portobellos, and grilled asparagus in tangerine vinagrette, and someone wants ketchup.
I just love your quirky, but right0on thoughts,
|| Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ] || it's punny. I like it. interesting title. |
I know you love minimalism. and I like how you portrayed that here. you only put the fillet on tha table, only the best thing out of it. the essence you could say.
I should write more minimalistic pieces again. I get a little long lately. anyway great poem, Amy. I already liked it in your journal.
|| Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ] |