Mm, I liked this piece.. I agree with Mercy, makes me think of Brackish by Kittie, and true, that line is also my favourite. But let me bash these people prior to my comment... Don't comment if you arent going to into depth? How could some one write better, although this piece is alright, without some insight?
True, the world is nothing but irony and terrible things, but it's easy to ignore in my opinion. The only thing I find evil in this world is Bush running my state, now running my country? Ah, just shoot us all before we die from nuclear bombs! Then again, should I blame WWII? and that contest for whom can build the first nuclear bomb? What would have happened if Hitler was first? Whooooooo knooooows, the world is cruel, and very strange - ironic.
But anyways, this is a very gothic poem, obviously, about as gothic as my nail polish. I think writing about how the world sucks is just too cliché, who cares about the world? We are screwing ourselves over, so we have to deal with our problems.
Love, ahhhh yes love, love is as dangerous as Hope, but it's still a nice thing to have. This feeling for a friend or a special someone makes you forget about the world, pick you up at your lowest times, but then again, those people leave and you are back to your low. Humans do that, cling themselves to someone to dense the idea of the fact that they are dying, never existing one moment, then they are there, make some affect on this rock, then they arent there ever again.
Then seems to be at its highest, when the world goes cold and brings everything back down - death. Yes, death... fascinating thing, but still has its depressing side affects which makes you hate the world.
So okay, to me this piece is saying what I sortof went through...
Okay, writing advise? Don't speak to the reader, I mean Litterally speak to the reader... To me that's anoying, just like those people who have to read that Reading TAKs Essay b.s. I say, go into more description like, pretend you are someone else... Give me a painting of the world going dark and lighting up again with a sign of hope, but the world going cruel and smutting it out... That would take it past it's cliché level in my opinion. Don't say I'm going to go through this, make me picture me going through it...
I'm not going to say that it was choppy, but if you want a better flow, say it alloud and listen for the words where it seems to cut it, giving it a sharp edge. Count how many syllables there are in each line and go into a pattern...
Well, I will read more of your stuff another time. Till then, I bid you a good day. Jess
I agree the flow is a little choppy, but I don't think it takes away from the intent or expression. Life is a contradiction of sorts, this poem has some hidden meanings within it, even if you didn't even plan it. Interesting piece.
Amazing write. I love. The frist thing i thougth of was the song "brackish" by Kittie, one of my favorites. My favorite liens in the song are "crusify then learn, sit and watch me burn"...anyway, excelllentpoem. I na't think kof anythign to add.
This does not have the flow that your other work has. I haven't decided if that's a good thing or not so perhaps I'll come back after sleep to re read. I think you do need to use caution with the contridictions. The reader can get so caught up that your meaning is bypassed in the decoding. well I must say that this bit of irony would suck but perhaps there's a silver lining if you look at it as setting things to right before you die...just a thought on the content, jan jan
i guess it won't be called life without the ups and downs... after all, how can we fully understand joy when we don't know sorrow. as for the last stanza... death is a juggernaut... we can't exactly fight it... but the thought of death gives us the notion to value life. usually, seeing someone die inspires people to live their lives to the fullest. seems ironic doesn't it?