mary, mary -------------------------------------------
if you break it
you know you have to buy it
shake some happiness from trees
oh, how your garden
glitters pretty
it drops me to my knees
and i'm pulling
and i'm tugging
cause you crept around like weeds
suffocating
perfume intoxicating
so perfect not to breathe
waiting for rain
i'm so thirsty that i can't explain
we're deserts in may
by the winter we'll be ripe again
mary, mary
when seasons change
that frown you pull
will paint to your face
it was perfect
so perfect lonely
time was healing cuts
then we're touching
and we're kissing
and fucking it all up
just remember
in darkest december
when the lights go out so young
pretty baby
you're always in my heart
on the tip of my tongue
wow..for serious!! do you write music too...? i seriously hope you do (or else you have someone who does for you) coz this is a winner boy... seriously.
its reals interesting the way you have set this out... i thin it helps the reader to hear the song how you intend it to be a whole lot better (do you have any idea what im on about...?)
DO NOT CHANGE A THING!!! i am forever in awe of this. its raw and honest and seriously brilliant! my only thing about it (and its purely locational) is that december is summer for me and therefore it aint dark! LOL! but no... if you aint realised already i think you are a legend.
don't change it Bracken. the raw honesty of it makes it perfect. i always nitpick and find things that could be polished off but in this case.. i really honestly don't think you should.. it has a bit of a bright eyes feel to it .. but it's still saturated with your unique style..
if you ever put the actual song on the net.. please let me know.. i'd love to hear it.
reading what you've written.. it's always worth the wait.
hmmn...i don't think it needs work...maybe i'm destracted by your picture...lol...i really don't have much to say besides i really liked it...the metaphors were great...i really liked the for lines
waiting for rain i'm so thirsty that i can't explain we're deserts in may by the winter we'll be ripe agian
those lines really caught me...the whole write in general did but i enjoyed those...sorry for such a lame arse comment...but this is going to my favs...purps
you know the best comment I can give this? when you posted it in your journal I was looking for the thing at the bottom to say who's song it was:P it's beautiful. put it to music and you've got something really special.
It had a few parts that would need work, but there was so much good to it! I really enjoyed it and if it ever makes it to music you'll have to find a way to share! I really enjoyed this and I can only imagine the music behind it. Thank you for sharing this work with us, wilderness, it was really good.
I like it, but there's sum touch ups that need to be added... you know, rhyme schemes and all the same old stuff they teach us in skool bout poetry, besides that, its an awesome poem, very realistic, and, i just want to no wat the inspiration was?
Generaly I found it good, it needs some work on it though. It's been years working in lyrics because I used to write for my band "Room 101" as well as for others and I sing too. I can understand that as soon as you find the music the words flow more easily but you must take into account that the lyrics must stand alone...try to recite them as a poem and you'll see for yourself what changes need to be done. It's a good work none the less. keep up!
Submission Name: mary, mary
