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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Of the Childdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: _proper_noun_
    ASL Info:    20/m/OK
    Elite Ratio:    5.36 - 106/88/24
    Words: 173
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1421
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1101



    Description:
       All right, I like this piece, so I need to know what's wrong with it so I can make it even better. I want to turn it into some sort of song. It'll probably end up being ambient/industrial, beings that I'm best with that genre. So yea, critique hard, please.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOf the Childdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I could stand on rooftops, and sing the song of rying Mountains,
    But I will kneel and listen to the Child's.
    The knowledge of the Innocence is greater than the stars,
    And when we learn to hear the Whisper, we'll found out who We are.
    Rapture, oh dissonance, the love of all that's real.
    Capture, oh sweet submit, the burden of release!

    Beneath the age and confidence, below the pride of Eloquence,
    Hear me then and you will know the Perfect.
    The knowledge of the Innocence is greater than our wars,
    And when we learn to hear the Whisper, we will find ourselves a heart.
    Rapture, oh dissonance, the love of all that's real.
    Capture, oh sweet submit, the burden of release!

    I could stand on rooftops, and scream the song of dying Mountains,
    But I will kneel and listen to the Child's.
    The words he speaks into my mind unlock eternal doors,
    Enter them so you can feel the warmth of Untouched Souls.
    Oh dissonance.
    The burden of release!




    Submitted on 2005-01-13 14:55:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is a good piece. Childhood is a magical time, and children are much wiser than adults. You will never hear a child hate someone due to skin/sex/religion/country of origin. Those are things learned from adults. A child believes in magic and fairytails, things that are wonderous. They understand that anythign is possible, and that they can do anythign in the world. Adults could learn great lessons from little ones. The fact that you play tribute to all that is wonderful is great. One thing that did bother me about the piece, though, is that you kept saying

    The knowledge of the Innocence

    I believe the word should be Innocent. Otherwise, the piece really doesn't need much work, though I think it could be longer.
    | Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by ebflannery | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this because just recently i've been finding myself thinking back on my childhood and how happy mine was. "The knowledge of Innocence is greater than our wars", very deep and powerful and accurate. I like how you don't try to throw around too many long words or whatever like how some people try to flex this huge vocabulary like that's suppost to make your writting better. This poem is intellectual and an easy read and it's kick @$$. I can totally see somebody singing this song with an acustic guitar in some small cafe to a bunch of people who don't understand what they're hearing. But whatever about me. Thanks for taking the time to write this and share it.
    | Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by spoken | [ Reply to This ]
      I like your idea that a child is more important than a mountain, what is revealed in a child is precious. I don't see anything that jumps out as needing work here. The lines and stanza tell a good storyline and the message is most fine. Just a thought though about how a singer sings best with simple lyrics. I would clean up some of the lines just to make the diction easier and so no on misses anything. It's quite good,
    thanks for sharing this.
    peace,
    nansofast
    | Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]


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