Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Ballerinadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PastelSky
    ASL Info:    18/F/In the clouds
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 181/223/49
    Words: 164
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 885
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1126



    Description:
       I couldn't figure out a fitting ending... How do you think it sounds? Anyway, this little poem just came as an inspiration (from what, I'm not sure, actually). It's mostly about opening up, I suppose, and I'm comparing it to a ballerina that dances in one of those musical boxes that only dance when you open it up (did that make sense?). I hope you can see the comparison here...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Ballerinadots
    -------------------------------------------


    Glass porcelain erodes me now
    from the world and some notebooks
    that Iíll never fill;
    Staring straight at the figure
    sleek with pastel hues,
    and engrossed in shades of velvet-like fuchsia.
    How it dances behind that oaken covering,
    to welcome you with a routine
    it has practiced all its lifeó
    Turning and turning,
    away from the world,
    forever encased in this dead sycamore;

    to never dance,
    until the box is open.
    To never awaken,
    until itís told.

    I wonder if there is such a ballerina in my heart;
    Only dancing behind a thick,
    Wooden chamber.

    Will I ever open,
    Turning freely in the moonlight,
    Without having someone open the box
    Just for me?

    Perhaps that wish will be granted
    (before I trap myself into a maze).
    Maybe thereís more to life
    than just wondering about simple things
    such as these.
    But for now,
    Iíd just like to look at this ballerina,
    Made of only glass and porcelain.




    Submitted on 2005-01-13 16:58:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      After you read "Music Box" and then pointed out that it was surprisingly similar to "The Ballerina," I had to go take a look. You weren't kidding when you said that they were similar. You've done a lot of good things in this piece and there's a shocking level of emotion that you've managed to put into this piece, which really makes it enjoyable to read.

    You commented in your notes at the top of the poem that you felt that there was something off about the ending. With the way that the poem flows through all of the different ideas, I would have to say that the ending is fine. What I would say needs a little bit more to it would be some of the middle verses. You've managed to come up with a beautiful beginning which flows into a middle segment which seems too disconnected for the level of the piece that you've written. The last two lines tie everything back to what you've begun the piece with in the first verse.

    I would say that the only major thing that needs to happen in the first verse would be to go back and try to put more detail, more adjectives. I could almost see the ballerina in the music box in my minds eye, and I think that that visualization would do a lot for the fluidity of the piece, as well as add another dimension that doesn't quite exist - but that definitely has the potential to exist if you do things correctly.

    The second and third verses are the ones that feel the most awkward. The fourth verse is the climax which is leading it up and up into the a final verse which doesn't quite fit in with the mood of the piece until you have hit the final two lines, which work fine to bring everything to a rousing conclusion. I think that the easiest way to make the poem more effective is to just go into a little bit more detail, especially in those middling verses. They are way too succinct and just kind of... exist... They really need more content.

    On another note, I would say that you've done a wonderful job with spelling, grammar and punctuation. Couldn't find any mistakes, and with regards to your punctuation, what you've chosen to do here, really works with the ideas. I think that if you add more details into the piece, it will help the flow of ideas a lot, but on the whole, it still largely works with that you've already written. Nice write.

    ~Zylle

    Oh, and I'd be curious to see what would happen if we were to end up doing a cooperative write of some sort since we're already writing in a similar style. Let me know if you're interested.
    | Posted on 2005-10-29 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the idea. The poem conveys the idea well. It seems very original and thoughtful. My favorite part is "Will I ever open,
    Turning freely in the moonlight,
    Without having someone open the box
    Just for me?"
    Great job.
    | Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by thesinoftaima | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not one to nit pick on anything. I just go with how the poem makes me feel and wether I can relate. I LOVE THIS POEM! the way it relates to all of us who hide who we really are, close ourselves off. Really we want someone to discover us and open us up. its hard to open up all alone. mabe that wasnt the exact point to your poem but that's what I personnaly got out of it. please dont stop writing. the "pastel hues" has some significance to me that I dont quite understand, i love understanding a poem and being totally clueless at the same time. BRAVO!
    | Posted on 2005-01-13 00:00:00 | by _-twinkle-_ | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the idea of this theme, the ballerina only opens up when she's asked to do so. You'd like for her to make that choice on her own, become gregarious when need be. I like the analogy of this. You asked for help with the ending too. Looking at this, I think the poem's ending and climax happen in the next to last stanza. Read and see what you think. If so, just omit the last one and it works fine. thanks for sharing,
    peace,
    nansofast
    | Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    41968

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Scared written by MyPeriodical
    Everyone written by poetotoe
    untitled written by MyPeriodical
    I am a sorry son. written by MyPeriodical
    Legends written by poetotoe
    Survive ed - right back at the beginning written by MyPeriodical
    In God's Name written by poetotoe
    Silly Rulers. written by MyPeriodical
    Leyenda de Un Maldito Cobarde written by MyPeriodical
    Human Progression written by ForgottenGraves
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Heroína written by MyPeriodical
    The annointed one is persecuted. written by MyPeriodical
    Giant written by MyPeriodical
    Labor Pains written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    I am still sorry. written by MyPeriodical
    Remember written by MyPeriodical
    Quoth The Skies and its limits written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Where is My Ghost written by ForgottenGraves
    Remedies written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Canalizar written by MyPeriodical
    Chasing The Lie written by jackz
    written by Daniel Barlow
    One day older, One year wiser. written by Rhythmal
    Two hundred and seven times written by MyPeriodical

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry