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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ya think i hate hospitals?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: playcrackthesky
    ASL Info:    21/f/IA
    Elite Ratio:    4.46 - 463/457/88
    Words: 231
    Class/Type: Misc/
    Total Views: 628
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1593



    Description:
       just read this with rising excitement, frustration, and panic. it really has to be read outloud by me to really get the full effect but try anyways and tell me what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYa think i hate hospitals?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    When you can only hear the wheels turning sharply around corner after corner through door after never ending door, it comes to the point where you can not think at all.

    Unknown eyes staring at...
    all the blood
    oh all the blood,
    it's everywhere.

    Seeping in every beautifully
    Carved indent of your face.
    Overflowing your mouth,
    Your eyes, and…
    All that blood!

    The smell of death
    Mixed with
    White white walls,
    And the screaming
    … the screaming and all that blood.

    Racing by your side
    A gloved hand stops me.
    “You can not come any further.”

    I can’t go in!?!?
    I won’t wait while
    All that blood
    And screaming

    And white white walls
    Break through my head,
    With the realization
    That my heart is pounding
    Faster and faster.

    My hands pull at my hair trying to suppress all the
    Tears, the tears…
    The blood! All that blood
    Is rushing, racing through
    My veins as it’s pouring out of him,

    And I can’t come in!
    I’m pounding,
    My head is pounding,
    And my heart is racing while
    The room is spinning.

    Those white white walls
    Are drenched in all that blood,
    And scarred with screams
    Of silent eyes,
    Staring and staring.

    Until I feel numb against a cold,
    hard floor.
    And the beeping becomes
    One constant sound.




    Submitted on 2005-01-13 18:03:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Man, this was intense stuff. The imagery was frickin awesome. This was really exciting to read, and so sad at the end.

    "Those white white walls
    Are drenched in all that blood,
    And scarred with screams
    Of silent eyes,
    Starring and starring."

    This was my favorite stanza, the figurative language rocks. I think you might have meant "Staring and staring", though. I don't know what the hell "starring" is.

    You really kept me on the edge of my seat with this. It paints such a clear picture in my head, it would be hard for me to believe this was fiction. This seemed so real when I was reading it, I could almost hear that one long beep echoing down the hallway. Excellent, most exciting thing I've ever read on ES. Cheers!
    | Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by Apocalyptica | [ Reply to This ]
      oh god steph... this poem kills me... it really does...
    all the blood all the blood... started to make me panic... i could feel the shock... i could hear the panic... see the blood... hear the end...
    the repetition was powerful... it built to the crescendo...

    this has a very hysterical feel to it... i really really pray that this isnt real life for you but i kinda feel that its so real to not be...
    i cant go in...? i cant go in...? the total disbelief in this line... surely you should be allowed in with him... and im wondering what relationship you have with this person... how they got the way they are right now...
    but then i get the feeling you dont know... your brain isnt functioning and its like you cant remember or think of anything... you just know you have to be there the whole time and you cant believe that they wont allow you to...

    seriously steph... this is amazing writing...
    ill say yet again that i hope that this isnt based on a real life event for you and if it is... i am so sorry... take care of you and you know where i am if you need to talk ever at all...
    | Posted on 2005-01-13 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the opening. Good work setting the scene.

    When you can only hear the wheels turning sharply around corner after corner through door after never ending door, it comes to the point where you can not think at all.

    Giving us the feeling of confusion, and perhaps shock. Vertigo even. With all the blood talk. Good visuals.

    Unknown eyes staring at...
    all the blood
    oh all the blood,
    it's everywhere.

    Okay a little gory here, but not sick. Wondering where I might be taken with this piece, but enjoying the ride nonetheless.

    Seeping in every beautifully
    Carved indent of your face.
    Overflowing your mouth,
    Your eyes, and…
    All that blood!

    The smell of death is pretty vague to me cause I have a very vivid imagination. Death has many smells. New, fresh, old, putrid...And the next line makes me wonder: What do white walls smell like. Well mix that with blood and okay. lol.

    The smell of death
    Mixed with
    White white walls,
    And the screaming
    … the screaming and all that blood.

    And here is when I find out that it is someone apart from the narrator who is injured, feeling drama now, instead of fear, more like sadness, worry. Then anger.

    Racing by your side
    A gloved hand stops me.
    “You can not come any further.”

    Frustration building here, tense situations.

    I can’t go in!?!?
    I won’t wait while
    All that blood
    And screaming

    More building on the scenery here. Good work. Keeping me going and interested.

    And white white walls
    Break through my head,
    With the realization
    That my heart is pounding
    Faster and faster.

    Stressful situations filling the universe as I read. Anxiety ridden.

    My hands pull at my hair trying to suppress all the
    Tears, the tears…
    The blood! All that blood
    Is rushing, racing through
    My veins as it’s pouring out of him,

    Anxiety for the unkown.

    And I can’t come in!
    I’m pounding,
    My head is pounding,
    And my heart is racing while
    The room is spinning.

    Bringing me to finality, of which I have not a clue of the outcome.

    Those white white walls
    Are drenched in all that blood,
    And scarred with screams
    Of silent eyes,
    Starring and starring.

    And death it is... Why does this seem so perfect? Like fate. The reaper doing his job faithfully. Nature bringing her energy back into herself.

    Until I feel numb against a cold,
    hard floor.
    And the beeping becomes
    One constant sound.

    All in all I liked the piece. Good read.

    -sinmore
    | Posted on 2005-01-13 00:00:00 | by sinmore | [ Reply to This ]
      That poem made shivers go up my back. The repitition made this poem gold. It really made me feel like I was in the situation, you did a good job. The message was clear. The only thing that was a little confusing was when you were saying they wouldn't let you in, but you had seen all the blood from his face.
    Great poem.
    -Brooke
    | Posted on 2005-01-13 00:00:00 | by Quiet Clamor | [ Reply to This ]


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