On Harbor Wave by Kristina9178

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Submission Name: On Harbor Wave dots

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Author:	Kristina9178
ASL Info:	28/F/Ft. Lauderdale,FL
Elite Ratio:	4.57 - 773/718/73
Words:	147

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	872
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	6752

Description:
modified pantoum

Thank you Silverdog, on1eday.co.uk, and hanuman for your help in revising this one.

On Harbor Wave dots

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                                   Voracious is the Ocean’s kiss,
                                   crashing at the shapely shoreline.
                                  Rushing lips swiftly sip

                                   the shiraz of Existence.

                                   Crashing at the shapely shoreline,
                                   whispers lose themselves within
                                   the shiraz of Existence;

                                   silent in the mouth of awe.

                                   Whispers lose themselves within
                                   the affliction of a heart.
                                   Silent, in the mouth of awe,

                                   Poseidon’s anger strikes.

                                   The affliction of a heart
                                   washes over weathered stone.
                                   Poseidon’s anger strikes:

                                   Royal sea lashes, impassioned;

                                   washes over weathered stone
                                   with Nature's imagination.
                                   Royal sea lashes, impassioned

                                   upon the sands of afterlife.

                                   With Nature's imagination,
                                   rushing lips swiftly sip
                                   upon the sands of afterlife.

                                   Voracious is the Ocean’s kiss.

Submitted on 2005-01-13 18:09:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Ok now this poem is a different story all together. I read your other poem "metaphorically" or something like that, and didn't get it at all...this one however I not only would like to think I understood, but enjoyed immensly. You really do have a talent and an attention to detail. I envy you.
| Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
  very nice.. very very nice.. i didnt know you could be so intimate while describing waves.. its like you just sat on top of a hill with a piece of paper and a pen... and just painted a picture to go along with your words.. good job... i was really impressed by this
| Posted on 2005-08-17 00:00:00 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ]
  loved the set up and loved the imagry great piece all to gether. it is totaly finnished now and is ver nice. great work and i hope to read more soon. lia
| Posted on 2005-05-21 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
  I hardly have anything to add so I won't say much

I read it literally and only literally... to go beyond that would simply be too much for my tired little mind right now.

Literally, this tale of the ocean is strongly well written. There is a special rhythm to it I've never seen before, but admire your usage of it very very much.

In fact, I admire what you did with it in the strongest terms. I never read the original (I don't think) but it's just one of the things you expect to find in a book alongside... William Wordsworth (whatever the hell is last name is, sorry) and Longfellow.

I'm not finding anything to pick at, really. I don't care for old styles because I like understanding what I'm reading (THANK you hanuman dearest but akhi doesn't know what a shiraz is lol) but this was just amazing, and it swayed my prejudice (in fact... I hate the ocean too. been there, got sick a few miles off of the Boston coast).

~Akhi
| Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow! Haven't read something like this in a long time. I actually read it a couple of times and read it some more. First off because it got me all thinking and picturing. Secondly because there are some serious use of rhythm which got me fixated on a particular stanza for a while. My mind was bouncing back and forth from the current stanza to the previous one.

The play with the lines was that got me all excited to read on. The first line second line and the third and fourth line of respective stanzas. Surely I have never come across a piece such as this. It'd original to its every right.

I like the topic. From my point of view it not only talked about the ocean but also of how human nature is. The different tides of the moods. As I read it this inner turmoil was revoked and that actualy got to me.

That is all I could say. I am awed by the impression that was left on me.

peace,
| Posted on 2005-06-02 00:00:00 | by forestspirit | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi Kristina- I have been wanting to read you for some time- I am so glad I happened by on this night. First let me say that I don't know sh-it. When it comes to form and stucture and rhyme and all that technical stuff I am useless. I just write what I feel and sometimes it just happens to sound poetic. I want to read this piece again and again. It has that lulling quality to it, like the ebb and flow of the tide. The format you have used is mind blowing to me. I almost can't wrap my brain around it. This is so unique, I have never read anything quite like it. I love the ocean so that was a plus for me also.
This was sensuous to me, with a hint of danger and unpredictability. There is no need for me to critique anything here, you already have had plenty of help. The only thing for me to say is that I am so refreshed by this piece. Relating to you journal, I have had a rough time around here also. Not only is our work disected, but our comments as well and I too have had a few run-ins with some very negative people. I haven't really wanted to comment much and I feel that this piece jolted me awake. I am adding it to my fave's. It's good to make a clean slate now and again and I hope to do the same. Thanks for the inspiration. Take care- Magnolia
| Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
  it seems to me that this poem hints at romantic betrayl
'the affliction of the heart'
'washes over weathered stones'

i also thought it seemed very sensual
| Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by raincloud | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi, just browsing, seeing what other people liked and came across your poem. Struck initially by the effectiveness of two techniques. Firstly your us of repetition which gives a remarkable ebb and flow effect in line withb the subject matter of your poem. Secondly your use of onomatopoeia "Voracious is the Ocean’s kiss, crashing at the shapely shoreline. Rushing lips swiftly sip"
Absolutely choc full with sibilants representing the hiss of the waves. Great stuff.
I did wonder why you chose "shoreline" instead of "shore" which would have been rhythmically better.
I'm sorry, if I disagree with some of your fand, but"the cabernet of Existence." strikes me as somewhat contrived and out of tune with the naturalness of what has gone before. (maybe shiraz of existence would have got my approval!)
I am curious as to why the shoreline is shapely other than for alliterative reasons. "silent in the mouth of awe." was a powerful image.
"washes over weathered stone." worked beautifully with its alliteration, onomatopoeia and imagery all in one phrase.
That word "immaculacy" jars with me. It's stylistically out of context with its milieu of words.
This is a poem, whose sound I like immensely, but for the sense of which I feel I only have a 90% understanding. On balance however, a very impressive poem and most enjoyable to read.
| Posted on 2005-01-30 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, it seems like the waves are coming back again to eat the shoreline. Once the ocean gets it in her mind, she can't stop until the rhythm's crescendo is done. This is fliud and a little sexy, it speaks of nature's power over us and our quest for more than existence. What a little moonlight can do. I love the minimal repetition of this form and you spilled some great lines before the construction began. Excellent!
I just might try my own, and might be back to ask questions, cause, lady, you know!
Thanks for sharing,

nansofast
| Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  i have been away for a long time and this was great to come back to. this is so good!

the whole poem is like currents and waves. i love the way the next stanza shifts up, drops a line and inserts a key message.

also, the way it is circular by the time you get to the end.

great!

btw, how ya doing? havn't chatted for a long while!
| Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by jdinning67 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is possibly the best poem that I have read about the tsunami. It reads beautifully while still conveying the message. I am in awe.
| Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by greensnake | [ Reply to This ]
  The flow of the 4th and 5th stanza is off quite a bit I think. Poseidon didn't seem to fit in well, then again that's entirely up to you. Shortest comment? =] Ok write.
| Posted on 2005-01-26 00:00:00 | by Lostinbeer | [ Reply to This ]
  I think any further comments on form and construction and adherence or otherwise to a recognised structure would be redundant - you have received an elegant sufficiency of all these things.
So comments on like/dislike, effect/ineffect, emote/ not.
It's like being in an open boat just beyond the breakers - and that is where peace can be found I think. Found in the rhythmic swell and the sounds that go with it. So that is what I like about this piece: it is a means of transport, like all good poems should be.
It is as much the order the words are in as their sounds and meanings - if you set out to hypnotise then you did well and again, it is a means to an end because this medium water is a master at 'look into my eyes'. The sea's very purpose is to bewitch.
I think.
And I like this for its ability to remind.
Later,
K
| Posted on 2005-01-22 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  i've been running around trying to find some kind of comfort zone... then came you (whoa cheesy )

the word play worked perfectly with the "waves" ergo painting the heartless glamour of the ocean meeting with land... kinda makes you wanna rethink notions regarding those contrast issues.

dramatic...

lush...

somewhat witty.

i'm not sure about some of the words being kinda "pushed" in the piece but maybe you've got good reasons for them... actually, they worked strangely well in an unorthodox view.

anyway, this was a really good piece... i should do this whole "running-around-the-site" thing more often.
| Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh wow...
I am so glad that I saved this piece!

It was a bit weird getting into it because it was so obviously structured... but that worked, i slipped in just fine and...wow! How did you dream this up at all? I can't see you sitting down with a notepad saying "a poem to ripple their minds" but thats exactly what it does. It's very lulling and rhythmic...Oh ye Gods
I just noticed the SCHEME... how the HELL DID YOU DO THIS?
I'm awestruck, this is flawless!
| Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Kristina,

First things first, I love your work, as usual :P The thing that catches me the most about this one is the form, the repetition of the second-line starting the succeeding stanza and the fourth to the third line are really nice, and makes the piece incredibly cohesive. Also, some serious vocabulary in there... "shiraz", "voracious", you never cease to amaze me

If I had any criticism at all on it, I would have to say that the title "on harbour wave", implies a harbour, which would imply civilization, but everything seems very raw (yet eloquent), and seems to be happening over just, nature... it's almost a little bit too natural for any sort of comparison to something man-made.

But seriously, that's semantics and probably even slightly ridiculous :P I think this work is beautiful, potentially one of your best! Beautiful job!

Kenley
| Posted on 2005-02-20 00:00:00 | by Siven7 | [ Reply to This ]
  hi kristina,
many thanks for your comment to my piece entitled white lies
[i may as well write both comments here as it is easier for me, im a simple boy]
you were right in that much of it was the experiences of drugs as such. i thought most people would get it from the title, but it slipped by. it was also about how you can get those feelings in every day life...and such.
and i would not expect anyone to like it as such, it is just what it is, and you noticed that i think, so thank you.
not many bleeding hearts from this side of the water.
and onto your piece.
thanks for letting me know of the changes you made.
i hope that they were not done on my part, suggestions are just that, and i would not expect anyone to change anything based on that. but i hope you have come to the right words for your piece in your opinion.
i too agree with the word immaculacy to some degree, but i did not mention it as i felt it had a little mystery and that that was beneficial to your piece. but it is slightly awkward and a bit of a mouthful, and so you have a power struggle there which you have to decide is more potent.
i think your piece looks more settled and understated with the exclusion of ''disperses, becomes tangled,' and so i think this is a beneficial change.
it is amazing in this type of format that the change of on1e word or line makes a huge difference, far more than many other pieces i have seen that have been changed. i would say your piece reads in a more confident way, not clutching so much at analogies but just saying it as it sees it.
i know you are probably going to be pis-sed at me and i should have mentioned this before, but i think the following lines antagonise each other a little bit:
' crashing at the shapely shoreline.
Rushing lips swiftly sip.'
you have the building up of power with the word crashing and then you use the word 'sip' that implies something dainty and eloquent. to me these do not go together, and sip is the wrong word for the analogy you are making.
anyway, thanks again for your comments and i hope this helps,
take care
on1eday.co.uk
| Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
  Ah, you've been in the books and reading and studying and good for you! You've received tons of good advice and the only thing I'll throw out is that I've got a sense about certain words not working that well in poetry, words with a lot of sylables. Immaculacy, at 5 beats, that's quite a moutful. But that's not a rule, just taste, and many say I don't have any of that anyway. MMM, you've made me thirsty now though. Wish you were here, I won't drink alone.
D.
| Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
  this is very interesting.
i fu-cking hate form. but i still like to see other people attempt it, and it seems you have done a pretty good job here. i will be honest in that i know little about form, the only thing i knew of this form was of the the second and fourth lines being repeated as the first and third lines in the next verse, and so on that level as i understand, you adhere well to this form. though this does not really need to be said, because anyon1e who declares a piece as a certain form and does not do it as the rules suggest is a bit of a pecker.
so, you are not a pecker.
glad we got that on1e sorted.
this would just fry my fu-cking brain. it must have been a little like doing a raffle. writing lines on a piece of paper and then trying to piece them together like a puzzle so that they fit. this perhaps may be undermining your skill in this piece, and i guess that is what would set those apart in the art of form; whether you can truly say exactly what you wanted to, or whether you had to bend a little to fit it all in.
and on a writing level, i would know fu-ck all about that, because i am far too selfish in my writing to let any from dictate my message.
on a personal note i did not like this line:
'disperses, becomes tangled.'
it did not have the same aquatic movement of the rest of the piece in my opinion.
i would also say that despite 'brine' being a saltwater term, it does not seem to fit in your piece at all. you speak of things of 'awe' and 'immaculacy' and the 'voracious' and 'crashing' waves and then you add a term that really is just pi-sswater. it seems to dilute the power of your piece, and brine to me is the sewage water equivalent. like what is left from the processed 12-hot dogs-in-a-tin.
hope all is well with you
take care
on1eday.co.uk
| Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is lovely, a non-rhyming pantoum, but other than that youhave followed the pattern perfectly. The final stanza should contain no new lines, and the first and third lines usually become the second and fourth lines respectively, but again a permissible variation is that line 3 becomes line 2, and line 1 becomes line 4, as you have done here. Every time I read one of these, as well executed as this one, it makes me want to write one. I am going to fave this to keep it handy for inspiration.
Stanza #1: 1 2 3 4
Stanza #2: 2 5 4 6
Stanza #3: 5 7 6 8
Stanza #4: 7 9 8 10
Stanza #5: 9 1 10 3 (or alternatively 9 3 10 1) Your 6th stanza follows the pattern to a T then
Stanza#6 11 3 12 1 (or could have been 11 1 12 3)
I think this form works well here with the ocean imagery, creating a subtle energy and rythm that echoes and enhances your theme.There is so much beautiful imagery to love! "Rushing lips swiftly sip /the Cabernet of existence", "Whispers lose themselves within/ the affliction of a heart." , "Sea lashes at immaculacy/upon the brine of afterlife." I especially like the word "immaculacy", though each time i read this I feel there could be another word in that line, -it seems to beg for a word before "sea", though not the bland article "the".

This evokes both the power and sensuality of the sea, and Nature in general.The beautiful things to behold in life all have an "other" side, and Man is constantly having to be reminded of that. Whoever said "Hell hath no fury-", must have had Mother Nature in mind for eventually lack of respect for he laws does indeed result in fury and havoc.
I liked the way you personify the Ocean with human attributes and in the 5th stanza, subtly weave in human spirituality (rushing lips swiftly sip upon the brine of afterlife) You never mention Man at all,to this point —Nature is depicted though ,in human terms, as a lover, as powerful and with an unsatiable (voracious) appetite and then with the fifth stanza, there is that suggestion of human existence and afterlife.The sea claims lives, but has been doing so for as long as life existed. The brine is enduring, marking the beginning and ending of physical life, yet there is something else, something that flows through all things, that like the sea, ebbs, flows, and returns endlessly.

I like muchly
Silver
| Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  Nice! Bring back some sexual nrg man! This was cool, altho I don't share anybody's fascination with the ocean. Is there something btw, to that pattern of repetition? My mind was on the cusp of a pattern, but it felt too mathematical. Also, is that latest journal post about dope?
shard
| Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this one is my favorite out of the three that I have read by you. I hate to admit it. but alot of times I find myself getting bored after the first five lines of most of the work I have read on this site. That didn't happen while reading your work. Your work captures people and proves that poetry isn't boring.
| Posted on 2005-01-16 00:00:00 | by Rob | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow man, great piece. I havent read a good pantoum in along time. im kind shocked that someone acutally knew what one was,andsomeone actually did a fantastic job on it. Im kind of bummed I didnt get to read the orginal, but this is by far still a real good write.
| Posted on 2005-01-16 00:00:00 | by Prince Albert | [ Reply to This ]
  I love the revisiting of your lines throughout...gives the impression of waves...the going out and coming in of tides to the beach...goes out...comes back to the same place, but different...did that even make sense? Anyway. I like it.
This makes me think of the Tsunami...(obviously) and how it's taken with one wave life that was once peaceful and so easily turned it to devistation.
I love your use of the word "brine"...so perfect a descriptive word. It goes along well with the idea of the salty ocean.

"the Cabernet of existence"...how lovely...gives the impression of life as an intoxicating sweetness...even more devistating to be destroyed...
Very creative.
| Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]
  As one of the few who read your first version, I have to say that this version is better.

Just to reiterate from my previous comment, I think it was quite clever of you to choose the pantoum format for this subject. The constantly repeating line structure of this format serves as an excellent device to mimic the undulating and repetitive nature of the wave(s), and the aftershocks of the earthquake that caused the tsumani. I think you did an excellent job of adhering to the rules for this format, even though you dispensed with the traditional rhyming scheme of that poetic form. No matter,as the poem does not suffer in any way for the lack of rhyme. I might even go so far as to say that this poem might not have been as good if it had rhymed.

With this version, you have addressed my previous concern with L4 in S1. I think the change to 'of existence' works much better with 'Cabernet' than the previous word choice, and gets the point across more clearly.

I also like the minor punctuation changes that you made throughout the poem. I find that proper punctuation really goes a long way in making a poem's flow.

The other word changes that you've made also improve the piece by bringing the intense nature of the wave to the surface more readily, while still retaining a bit of mystery for the reader.

One of the things that I admire about your writing is the way in which you always manage to imbue your poems with a sort of sensuality. Sometimes it is very subtle, lying just under the surface teasingly; while at other times, it can be bold and sassy.

And so it is, once again, that I find your sensual touch inside this piece. For as much as it is about a far-away catastrophe of nature, within some of your wording, one could just as easily almost imagine this to be about a passionate encounter.

This poem surges in strongly; sweeping the reader's mind away and tossing them about again and again, with its repetitive strains, then it subsides, quietly recedes, leaving the reader to calmly reflect upon the ocean's might and the fragile and fleeting nature of our existence.

I think this was well thought-out and wonderfully executed. I'm going to fav it.

Kirk
| Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by timberwolf720 | [ Reply to This ]
  wow! that first stanza is just brilliant. "the Cabernet of existence..." how tasty is that!

i loved the repetition that you used. i've never heard of a "pantoum," but now you've got me curious to try to write one!

this is just gorgeous. when "Poseiden's anger strikes," it is a frightening thing, as we have witnessed in Southeast Asia. this poem brings forth the incredible power of nature.

great write!
| Posted on 2005-01-13 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  What no rhyme?! Holy restrictive writing,Batman! How did you ever accomplish this? It almost seems impossible. A fantastic write, a beautiful poem, lot's of terifying though subtle images. You"re not throwing people, homes, and buldings around here you're just implying it. "Poseidon's anger strikes", "upon the brine of afterlife": destruction and death.

Just two things:

"crashing at the shapely shoreline"

"crashing" and "shoreline" are O.K. Though they don't imply the hurriedness or the erosion. Why not,

"chomping at a bit of shoreline"?

"Sea lashes at immaculacy"

To me it's not powerful enough. why not:

"Sea pounding at purity" or
"Sea pounds at the purity"

A very subtle look at an horrific occurance. The form seems to follow the undulation of the ocean and is just perfect for this piece. Nice choice there! It looks the kind of form that would be extremely difficult to create, and yet you did it! For that alone, you should be congratulated. This is a beautiful poem. It rolls along and then folds back on itself, again very much like the ocean. It speaks of tragedy, but in a very "high" voice, of "kisses", "Cabernet", "Poseidon", and the "afterlife".

I enjoyed reading this. I think it stayed true to it's nature throughout. I'm Faving it, to keep it for inspiration. Thanks for writing and posting it.

Phil
| Posted on 2005-01-13 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  I do like this poem, it's a unique way of looking at *things*. I really liked the "oceans kiss." I have never looked at it that way. What kind of distracted the flow was the repitition. It was kind of awkward, and didn't make it look like planned repitition, more like "Wait... didn't she say that once in the poem?" Anyways, don't mean to be bashing or anything, good poem.
| Posted on 2005-01-13 00:00:00 | by Quiet Clamor | [ Reply to This ]
  Ya, I like this. I see you also have an open mind. I love the way you wrote this just as much as I like what it's talking about. Damn! You can write good, real good. My favorite part is,

Whispers lose themselves within
the affliction of a heart.
Silent, in the mouth of awe Poseidon’s anger strikes.

I love it, good, good job, can't wait to read more.
| Posted on 2005-03-02 00:00:00 | by jermwerm | [ Reply to This ]
  i liked this because you explained the waves in a intamate type thingy i really liked the part that goes "Whispers lose themselves within
the affliction of a heart. Silent, in the mouth of awe. Poseidon’s anger strikes."
i'm not sure why um,any way

carrie
ps check out sum of my poems if you get a chance
| Posted on 2005-08-24 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]

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