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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Garden of Surreal Dreamsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Broken heart dies
    ASL Info:    21/f/in the clouds
    Elite Ratio:    4.78 - 460/390/59
    Words: 68
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 964
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 410



    Description:
       Just critiques or thoughts.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGarden of Surreal Dreamsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Take my hand and come with me
    Through the garden of surreal dreams.
    Watch, as each love blossoms and each flower blooms.
    The very essence of magic, under the moon.
    Planting our own seed and fufilling our destiny.
    Caught up in our own dream and defying all gravity.
    The earth changes and the soil is now fairy dust.
    As we ride out on our stallion, into the dusk.




    Submitted on 2005-01-14 12:40:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Aww...Thanks for the beautiful images this bit of writing painted on the canvas of my mind. Some of the most loveliest all day. Just this painting of pure fairytale fantasy...dreamy sparkles and colors all floating around... And the title caught my eye. So, good job!
    Peace, LucyDiamond
    | Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]
      i think this is a very pretty piece... the rhyme scheme you have going on isnt forced... in fact, i had to go through it again to see that it rhymed at all... very subtle...

    you did well with your surreal theme... it made me think whispy thoughts and dreamy stuff.. like pegasus and falcor from the neverending story...


    "the very essence of magic, under the moon."

    this line sounds funny to me... not the words themselves, but maybe the way it's written... like i was flowing along through the rest of the poem.. and hit a rock or something...

    i'm not sure where the stallion came from, but this is surreal... so, i guess it works... though, i liked the beginning thoughts of love and flowers better.. cause love grows and flowers grow... the symbolism throughout this worked well and seemed to have connections until the stallion popped its head in...

    this is a sweet poem of love and building up your love... it has that whole floaty feel to it shich captures the feeling behind this... i like it
    | Posted on 2005-05-09 00:00:00 | by besodemuerte | [ Reply to This ]
      wow! i though that was absolutely amazing! it instantly grabbed all my attention. This is the kind of poetry i really really like. i cant give u a fave line though, cause i would have to put the whole thing in. lol. anyway, overall the flow was great though wavered a littl by certain words...but it doesnt really disturb the poem so...watever. other then that, sugest some of your poetry to me that u think i might like, if u could. well, thanks for letting us read this. it was beautiful.

    take care, Anna.
    | Posted on 2005-03-22 00:00:00 | by freak writer anna | [ Reply to This ]
      Jessika! you knew i'd love this one didn't you... wow i guess i'm a little late commenting on it, a billion other people got to it before me. Ha Wow this is so beautiful so so beautiful. You are such an amazing poet. I mean, what's to say, short, simple, but oh so sweet. I'm glad you wrote this one, it will be fun to read over and over again. Tis a favorite my friend. Take care, I always look forward to hearing from you. Adios Travis
    | Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this, but I have a few beefs with it, so I'll point them out. You can use anything that you like or ignore it all.

    Take my hand and come. <with me>

    (using less words will make this stronger, who else would he come with if he just took your hand?)

    Through the garden of surreal dreams.

    (you don't say this is "your" garden, perhaps it is a public garden, but "through my garden" would be my choice)

    Watch, as each love blossoms and each flower blooms.

    (nice insertion of repetition. Consider as an alternative, "as each love blossoms, as each flower blooms" that gets rid of a superfluous "and")

    The very essence of magic, under the moon.

    (this is a fragment, and although fragments are OK in poems, I'm not exactly sure what this one refers to)

    Planting our <own> seed, <and> fufilling our destiny.

    (similar repetition as above, similar suggestion for reducing the verbage)

    Caught up in our <own> dream and defying all gravity.
    The earth changes and the soil is now fairy dust.
    As we ride out on our stallion, into the dusk.

    (ends on a nice slant rhyme dust/dusk, but up to this point the imagery has been quite real, and I think that the stallion is a bit over the top for the piece. Maybe I'm being too hard on it, or perhaps it's that 49 year old in me, not being so romanticly inclined as you!)

    Well, overall, quite good, I hope some of this is helpful to you,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-01-16 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      beautiful garden you painted here. i love the reference to magic under the moon. the moon is very magical and mysterious. i also like how the earth changes to fairy dust and you ride away on your stallion! very nice dream, indeed!

    | Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      "The very essence of magic, under the moon.
    Planting our own seed and fufilling our destiny."
    This is so loving and sweet! *tears* I loved that line ^. I like how you had the title imply 'surreal dreams' and really followed through with it in the last two lines of the piece. Don't change anything. It's great! :)
    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it very much. I could just see the story unfold here. A garden at night, as two starcrossed lovers lie, holding each other close, then leaving together to start their own lives anew. Very lovely. -Kenji
    | Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by Kenji Light | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent. A simple, straightforward poem. It lives up to its title and is coherent and with pleasant imagery. No fire and passion, but a pleasant fantasy.
    | Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      I relate and I like it simple. I rather clarity than alot of complex blah blah which sayes nothing. Very sweet. Maybe for fun it would have been nice to describe a little more surreal surroundings via the experience to show the true colours of it, but that's not meant as criticism just enthuasism for your topic. If part two arrives I'd love to read.
    | Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by Shea Comet | [ Reply to This ]
      i thought this piece had a lot of potential from the first line on. it did not disapoint me in the least. i liked the style you used, and the flow had a unique quality to it. i thought the piece lost nothing in the writing or reading, and it was marvelous, just marvelous.
    -Q
    | Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by TechnoticQ | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked it. Dreaming about love is something we all do at some point. and love makes us feel liek anything is possible, and everything can seem like a dream. a great piece. and a very nice message. good job
    | Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by _-twinkle-_ | [ Reply to This ]


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