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Roleplay | Viral news today | Music Theory

esoteric whispers

Author:	deadndreaming
Elite Ratio:	6.74 - 1360 /1263 /83
Words:	281

Class/Type:	Poetry /Misc
Total Views:	2955
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	3515

Description:

woke up this morning and my fingers just spit this out...please direct all derogatory remarks to my phalanges

esoteric whispers

she painted herself into a corner
as she always does
but this is the first time
that she’d done it in black

       once she told me
       she liked the way my lips moved
       when I spoke. she said
       they framed the words
       and left them lingering

       when I told her I loved her
       the words            forever
                         hung

       sometimes she would stare
       into my eyes so deeply
       I would stop in mid-sentence
       locked into her gaze
       these tacit thoughts
       so much more interesting
       than any I could speak

now she sits in that corner
like a hyper kid in a classroom
punished for the crime
of the sugar she’s been fed

       we once walked, handinhand
       through winter’s ferocity
       oblivious to the fact
       that we had gloves in our pockets
       we passed open houses
       and talked of how we’d furnish them
       without ever a mention of spring

       we rode to Ann Arbor
       and ate Mediterranean food
       we talked of art and education
       I walked and found her behind me
       stopped in her tracks
       I blushed when she called me
       the sexiest man alive

I want to rescue her
lift her up and carry her
across the ebony floor
but a heart can't be abducted

       there was a time I was sure
       that a subtle glance
       was but a whisper
       of a saga that would fill
       endless pages of time
       but this story, like her glance
       speaks only in the wind

she was so full of colors
it was just a matter of time
before she found the black
that painted her into this corner

Submitted on 2005-01-14 14:20:26 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

sheeesh, this really is a heartbreaker. Things happen in life that mean you can't eat romance and can't pay the bills with love and that's what you have here, I love that you painted it light (the shadow)

Intimacies become obsolete and unreachable no matter what they were, that's ifs and buts and candy and nuts, the shadow falls and there's no way.

this is a brave poem to lay out what appear to be high water marks in a relationship.

Brilliantly structured.

| Posted on 2009-03-18 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

I like this one

| Posted on 2009-01-24 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

my god. again. wow. amzazing. very nice twist to that other poem. wow. keep at it, you're really good. speechless all over again.

| Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by Lemmy | [ Reply to This ]

i love this... i love how its so like two poems merged together but still very separate (well it is to me anyways...)

the indented poem very based reminiscient of the past... the times spent together and the unindented one (what do i call that...?) what she has become now...

ok... lets go back to the start...
the title is BRILLIANT... i love the word esoteric... i may have steal it one day...

the painting herself into corners idea is very powerful and especially painted black in corners... corners are usually dark and shadowy already and to paint yourself black into an already black environment is a very foolproof way to gain and maintain invisibility (if that is the desired effect)
having said that i love how, at the end, you bring into play the idea that she was so full of colours as black is every colour (something i marvel at when i stop to think about how dark and void it seems...)

the indented write is so tender... like whispered so softly coz if it was uttered any louder it would simply vanish and cease to exist, erasing the past and everything safe and known...

im sure your prolly sick of the site of my comments for today so i'll leave you be for now but seriously... thank you for the most amazing writes... ive really enjoyed my reading here today!

| Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

I really like this poem, it reminds me of some stuff I've written (that I'll post...eventually *grin*). I like your matter of fact tone. Have you ever read any of Viggo Mortensen's work? He uses first person just as effectively as you have here. I like your placement of the word "hung" it only adds to its weight. I found myself reading this over and over again and each time I read it I liked it even more. The words just begged to be spoken. Wonderful poem. I think I'll go read the companion piece now.
*amrita*

| Posted on 2005-02-13 00:00:00 | by creativeentity | [ Reply to This ]

I really like this. Initially I read "She sits in the corner" and then realized that they go together. I liked both a lot. I think the way that your words acted out what they were meaning:
"the words forever"
hung
Its very creative and unique. I'm trying to explain what I like about this poem but I'm at a loss for words. All i can say is that I loveit, I'm sorry I wish I can say more. All I can tell you is that it struck a cord w/ me. Through the whole poem I can feel the weather you were in and how it felt for you to be with her. In "she sits in the corner" I felt how she felt when she was with you. It's very well written.

| Posted on 2005-02-11 00:00:00 | by Sundance | [ Reply to This ]

WOW...well I'm not sure why I have not come across you before myself...this is the third in what I must say is some very talented writing.
The emotion in your work is incredible and leaves a smooth chill in the mind and mouth.
Beautiful!

This piece is falling out of the heart sad...the words you use here mixed with the intense longing makes for a wonderful write. Heart wrenching...but very well done...leaves me wanting more.
I have a new page to read...very happy you found me...for now I have found you ;)

Thanks,
kelly

| Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]

fu-ck me look at you and the commentary.
and dont worry i am not stalking you, but i am glad to have some work to get my teeth into. and i owe you some commentary because of your kindness and time towards my work.
so i find myself here again.
this piece is quite similar to,,
i think the piece was called 'she sits in a corner.'
and it is as good.
in fact i think it may be the 'other' piece you were speaking of.

i am kind of glad i have read your works in the order that i have because it has worked out well.
you first stanza is excellent.
i love the analogy. i like the fact that it could be anything; like getting herself into trouble, putting herself in awkward situations, or interesting situations and this time it has become awkward. this feeling [and incidentally i do it on a literal level all the time, and it is a frustrating feeling] is one we can all relate to, whichever way we take your analogy.
and to start the piece so strongly makes it so much easier on the rest of your piece.
i agree with hanuman to a point, sometimes there is not much to be said, and this is fine and he should not feel bad for this. because he is right. i feel like many of the parts of this piece do not warrant being pulled apart as it would undermine them, and so i will leave the majority because it is jsut as it should be.

this is the way i see your style. i have only read a few pieces so i may be making a premature judgement, but you seem to have a way of writing these pieces, a formula almost. and if it works, then great.
after your initial comment, you procrastinate:
' once she told me
she liked the way my lips moved
when I spoke. she said
they framed the words
and left them lingering

when I told her I loved her
the words forever
hung

sometimes she would stare
into my eyes so deeply
I would stop in mid-sentence
locked into her gaze
these tacit thoughts
so much more interesting
than any I could speak'
you create such a dreamy and airy feel with this. i think i like this part more than i did the other 'sister' part in your other piece.
one small observation:
' locked into her gaze
these tacit thoughts'
the change between these two lines is slightly awkward. perhaps the solution is just a little punctuation, but that may upset the balance of the whole segment. perhaps an additional line to tie the two?

' we once walked, handinhand
through winter’s ferocity
oblivious to the fact
that we had gloves in our pockets
we passed open houses
and talked of how we’d furnish them
without ever a mention of spring

we rode to Ann Arbor
and ate Mediterranean food
we talked of art and education
I walked and found her behind me
stopped in her tracks
I blushed when she called me
the sexiest man alive'
again here you paint a romantic picture using everday objects and analogies. this makes them instantly relateable. i like alternative view this offers to the other piece, enough similarities and enough personal input for them to have individual perspectives.
they go very well together, and this must have not been the easiest thing to do, unless you are a hermaphrodite, which i must assume not!

i would say that the follwoing section:
' there was a time I was sure
that a subtle glance
was but a whisper
of a saga that would fill
endless pages of time
but this story, like her glance
speaks only in the wind'
is perhaps just a little too sicklycliché.

but you pull it off because you have so much here that offers a contrast.
and your last stanza relates back to your first effectively to tie the whole piece in nicely.
and i have said far more than i intended to.
take care
speak soon
on1eday.co.uk

| Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]

esoteric - intended for or understood by only an initiated few

Well, isn't it so true. While reading this piece I admit I wished to be one of the initiated few. Such a girl must be a rare thing indeed.

The care you have put into your structure is not lost on me. Also the way you hang the word "hung" down is a defining touch that really makes the piece stand out. It is clever unique writing.

One thing I have to ask because this picture was being painted so clearly and so cool that I wanted to just be the protagonist with this girl. What happened? What is the blackness you speak of? One minute she thinks this guy is the best and the next, painting herself into black corners. I gotta wonder.

So maybe if I had a suggestion it would be to define this change in the atmosphere a little better.

On another note, upon first read I thought that there might be too many "she's" in the first stanza. I dunno though. I am at a loss on how you could change it and maintain the integrity of what you are trying to say.

Either way, this is a captivating piece of writing. I could picture this girl in my head.

stunning.

peace,
mister fizzle

| Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]

Hmmmmm
My love this was moving and
absoluely beautiful.
Your use of imagery is delicous and the
placement and order of words remarkable.
I thank you for penning this beautiful piece.

Bravo
Love out...
Wynne

| Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by Wynne Devereaux | [ Reply to This ]

sheesh takes forever to get down here to be able to annoy with something someone else may have said already; don't know, I haven't checked; not my comments to read. Anyway for a sotry I give it a 4 it's decent. My suggestions may be annoyig but here they are anyway; I haven't written so who am I to critisze anyone elses? An [censored]. Okay

she painted herself into a corner;
she always does,
but this is the first time
she’s done it in black

once she told me
she liked the way my lips moved
when I spoke. she said
they framed the words
and left them lingering

I love the way that line leaves one lingering.

when I told her I loved her
the words hung forever

Forever doesn't work for me anymore I gave him a pink slip and told him to clear off his desk.
Maybe for an eternity or something to that affect?

sometimes she'd stare
so deeply into my eyes
I would stop in mid-sentence
locked into her gaze
these tacit thoughts
so much more interesting
than any I could speak

now she sits in that corner
like a hyper kid in a classroom
punished for the crime
of the sugar she’s been fed

i like the idea, but it doesn't flow well for me.

we once walked, handinhand
through winter’s ferocity
oblivious to the fact
that we had gloves in our pockets
we passed open houses
and talked of how we’d furnish them
without ever a mention of spring

I love the alliteration followed by hand in hand handinhand; this way of joining words may appear as an error, but it's sheer brilliance.

we rode to Ann Arbor
and ate Mediterranean food
we talked of art and education
I walked and found her behind me
stopped in her tracks
I blushed when she called me
the sexiest man alive

love the assonance here!

I want to rescue her
lift her up and carry her
across the ebony floor
but you can’t abduct a heart

But one possibly instead of using you? Maybe I can abduct a heart? Readers don't like to be told what they personally can and can't do esp. stuborn [censored]s like me.

there was a time I was sure
that a subtle glance
was but a whisper
of a saga that would fill
endless pages of time
but this story, like her glance
speaks only in the wind

I dislike the break up in the line above; feels akward.

she was so full of color
it was just a matter of time
before she found the black
that painted her into this corner

okay thanks peace and popcorn on moive theater floors with stick coke cups and wtraw wrappers.

| Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]

  Wow, sorry to take so long to get to this, I really don't have too much to suggest. There is a place where you used spacing to augment the words, "when I told her I loved her
the words hung forever
(now I'll bet that when I hit post, the spacing will be lost, I may come back and edit.)
My idea would be to have
"the words       forever" on one line and
               hung
just below and centered to give the appearance that the word "hung"
sagged down. Not sure if that works here.
later gator,
Dave

| Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]

this is just beautiful.

now she sits in that corner
like a hyper kid in a classroom
punished for the crime
of the sugar she’s been fed

this struck me, especially, because i work with kids. who can blame them when they get out of control after ingesting them with so much sugar?

this reads so easily as a story. i was capitivated as i read it. it is melancholy, which i tend to love.

she was so full of colors
it was just a matter of time
before she found the black
that painted her into this corner

great ending.

| Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]

very well done. lyrically beautiful, but also simply told in a story form that is not only easy to follow, but necessary to follow, you feel you have to go the next line, to see what will happen, to understand what has happened.

| Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]

I really enjoyed this. I loved the formating. I loved the non-captilization. This is what I got from the piece. She was hurt, or captive, from her own internal pain that she couldn't see the good, you. The mystery of her heart confused you. You could'nt rescue her soul, now painted black. I like the little stories you told of the good which was the centered part of the piece. It was sort of like a little movie. The "present" was in the normal format and the "past" was in the centered part. I'm a big fan of different formats and great writes and this really implied both. Excellent piece. I would love to know what your real interpretation is for this piece. :)
-blt

| Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]

I don't like the title! I know you want to put some of the blame on the "black", but that doesn,t come across. Did she paint herself or was it done by the black, please clarify that?

That's it! I've read all the comments and that's the worst of it. I'm with Hanuman on this. Let's not pick at it until it's all gone, let's just absorb it and enjoy it.

For me, this is the best of yours yet. I just think this is powerful, sad, joyous, loving, and real. The scenes are vivid. Each stanza "paints" another wonderful photograph, of human love, frailty, maybe mistrust. It's just beautiful! All that stuff at the top, the title and whose can of paint is it, you can fix, or not. At this point it's not important, it's just important that people read this and enjoy it.

So, I'm saving it as a FAV. So I can show to friends and relatives, Just brilliant!

Phil

| Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]

Well, knock me down with a feather... this is beautiful. Again. Painted into a corner with black... it's almost like the old adage "too good to be true"... she had so many more colours that it was only a matter of time before she found black too...Almost as if her vivacity was her downfall, her love of colour was what broke her in the end.

Some of these lines are just precious.
"once she told me
she liked the way my lips moved
when I spoke. she said
they framed the words
and left them lingering"

I like that best. There are many more choice selections but that is just perfect... it's art. I'm with Hanuman on this one... I just can't SEE any flaws... you've received some lengthy comments on this piece so no doubt there's criticism enough, there... I just think it's lovely.

| Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]

"Close up those barren leaves.
We murder to dissect." W.Wordsworth.
He was I think saying that sometimes we should not analyse, but just accept. I want simply to say that: "I love your poem". but I know this site will reprimand me for being too short. I have this hang-up that if I like something, I don't notice the faults for weeks. If I don't like something, then all the faults stare me in the face and I feel compelled to point them out. I see no faults.

| Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]

Well, I 'm glad I'm not the only one who is butchering clichés lately (painted herself into a corner). Slaying clichés and bad puns are virtually my only source of inspiration recently.

I actually printed this one out in order to get a better visual of how it works.

she painted herself into a corner
as she always does
but this is the first time
that she’s done it in black

Well, that kid of reminds me of "Paint it Black" by the Rolling Stones. I get an odd image of a woman painting a solid white room black.

when I spoke. she said
they framed the words
and left them lingering

when I told her I loved her
the words hung forever

I like the idea of framing words. That does sound like something lovers would say to each other (especially if one is a writer). I also like the visual of the words "I love you" floating in the air.

sometimes she would stare
into my eyes so deeply
I would stop in mid-sentence
locked into her gaze

I get a nice visual from that one too. I see two lovers staring at each other and the words "I love..." floating in the air.

Since I'm not much of a talker, " these tacit thoughts/so much more interesting/than any I could speak" might be my new motto.

now she sits in that corner
like a hyper kid in a classroom
punished for the crime
of the sugar she’s been fed

I found that an oddly humorous image to be about depression. I actually think that's cool though.

we once walked, handinhand
through winter’s ferocity
oblivious to the fact
that we had gloves in our pockets
we passed open houses
and talked of how we’d furnish them
without ever a mention of spring

That's a nice eulogy for her strength and resolve. It's really sad for someone to go down like that.

I walked and found her behind me
stopped in her tracks
I blushed when she called me
the sexiest man alive

That's also a humorous image. I see a woman complimenting you rear end (Actually, I don't know what you look like, so I see a Swedish guy I knew in college). It makes me think of how vital she was before she got depressed and started sitting in this corner.

I want to rescue her
lift her up and carry her
across the ebony floor
but you can’t abduct a heart

That's just so sweet. I'd melt if someone said or wrote something like that for me.

there was a time I was sure
that a subtle glance
was but a whisper
of a saga that would fill
endless pages of time
but this story, like her glance
speaks only in the wind

That's a poem in itself. It's just wow beautiful. Those are my favorite lines.

Hopefully, this is just fiction, but if no, I hope she finds the colors again. I really liked this. I'm not keen on the title though. I'm just not sure esoteric is the right word.

| Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]

I don't read other comments before I write my own and frankly I like this piece very much. Sorry, my point is that this is hard for me to understand. Is it that she painted herself into a black corner because she is depressed, not communicating, just existing?
I well understand that theme is up to me. But the black and the corner is the only nuance, there is no other action or behavior on her part to show what that really means. I love the description of your interplay with her, and that works as a good contrast. I hope I didn't miss anything I should have. Vast apologies if I did, Dave. Great write, thanks for sharing,
peace and love,
Nan

| Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]

this poem is beautiful and makes me think of someone in love with someone who has become depressed. this is another example of an expression of feelings that I can relate to. you seem to say things just as I would want to say them. and I'm working on it.

| Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]

What an excellent peice. I hate to comment on something like this because I like it so much I dont have anything really against it.

Your overall piece was excellent, and the story was so enthralling, I couldnt' of stopped had I tried. My only real let down was the last sentence in the last stanza:

"she was so full of colors
it was just a matter of time
before she found the black
that painted her into this corner"

I've been looking and gazing upon it for awhile now, but it just doesnt fit in to me. you said ealier she painted herself into that corner, while this says the black did. I just think it would be better seeing herself do it, but I dont know how to put it in such grand wording as your have:O)

Thats just my opinion though, awesome piece!!

--Kayla

| Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]

Well... that was an interesting comment by Storm but anywhoo, I liked this poem, but it got a little confusing. Too many stanza's explaining too many things to be able to sum it all up at the end. It's cool though, in an abstract kinda way.

One thing I have to say, is the first stanza was simply amazing. The "painted in a corner" would be enough for this to be an addition on my fav's list. However, putting such an awesome stanza first, made all the other stanza's look weak, and after reading the first one, nothing can come close to it. So it makes the reader think "Well, let's just make it through this poem. Nothing will be as good as those first lines."

Not sure how or if you should change those, just commenting!

Good write!
-Brooke

| Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by Quiet Clamor | [ Reply to This ]

One usually paints one's self into a corner with words that can't be taken back. If this is the first time in black, well the words must have carried that. My personal, admittedly free-of-perspective observation is, that of relationships I've seen die, they all perished of words spoken that could never be taken back. Am I close?
bent

| Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]

Hey there...this is interesting. I like the voice you've found...very honest. It's as if it were naked...just honest...un-messed with...and for that it's quite a valuable piece.

Now, I'm not sure it makes sense completely to the masses..and perhaps that is your plan. But it goes in quite a few directions at once. I would maybe try and solidify your thoughts...or the thoughts of your fingers as you put it.
I like the idea of painting into a corner...that's good...and I see how she's somehow troubled, but I get a little foggy as to why. Perhaps you could include more clues within...

I like how you separate the story of your love from the metaphor of the paint...I like that a lot...I'm not sure if you need to clarify the Love part or the paint part, but something in there just needs a little more of a hint as to why you can't "abduct her heart". (great line by the way...)
Good sentiment...great image.

| Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]

I found this very moving and for some reason I feel I am missing something not said... I read this 4 times now and still... there is a undertone of ... something.
I find it strange that in S3 L1-2 you said
When I told her I loved her
The words hung forever

This made me think that the love was not being returned.. you know the old " I love you too" thing. It drew me into an uncomfortable silence.
Maybe it was the shock of hearing it for the first time for her but in a way I still think that there was not love in her for him. Although the poem states so well that she has some kind of connection to him.
In S5: For me I took this in as somehow, unspoken in the poem, that the feelings that she had for this man was harmed in some way. I think it had to do with the punished for the sugar thing. but this is what I drew in from it.
I think that the black that she painted herself into the corner with was The man... maybe depression. That one might take me a little bit more time to get because it really could be either way I think. Maybe the black was who the man really was... it was only a matter of time until see saw it??? God this is a good piece, you make it seem so easy... Pain!
I will leave the grammer, spelling and such to someone that knows what they are talking about... because it not me!

Dana

| Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]

she painted herself into a corner
as she always does
but this is the first time
<that she’s> {she'd}done it in black

I offer up this edit because, grammatically, you're speaking of a body of instances, not just one, so the suggestion is correct, while the original is not.

we rode to Ann Arbor
and ate Mediterranean food
we talked of art and education
I walked and found her behind me
stopped in her tracks
I blushed when she called me
**the sexiest man alive***

Ah, how fortunate I don't get to Michigan that often! ahahahahaa <just being a basturdfukk, hahahaha, ahem>.

she was so full of colors
it was <just> {only} a matter of time
before she <found> {discovered} the black
<that> {had} painted her into <this> {a} corner

And that's it. Not much to criticize really, as this was nicely written. A few minor considerations, and the best I have to offer on this piece. It has a very polished feel to it, so perhaps this won't help much, but I tried me best!

p/f!

| Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]

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esoteric whispers

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esoteric whispers

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