[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Taking Pawnsdots

    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 912
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1185

       It's about how people do evil to others. By the chessmatch with God, I'm saying that people are losing in the battle for control over the world (God stil has it), but some people fall through the cracks.

    I'm dedicating this to borderlinetears because she got me thinking of chess again.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTaking Pawnsdots

    She was shocked
    when the sun came up in the morning,
    came up every morning.
    She only saw
    a beam of cold light
    in the hot, dark room
    where the men kept her
    where they abused her,
    but the world went on without her.
    She preferred death to the light
    through the vertical blind,
    so she walked through the glass
    only slightly bloodier
    and just as naked
    when she reached the other side.
    She couldn't run
    so she walked
    until she found signs of life.
    She made it up the steps of a farmhouse
    and collapsed into a dead heap,
    but at least she died free.
    The woman found her
    when she went to check the mail,
    and she realized the world is not a puzzle.
    The world will continue
    without you or me.
    She pondered the cruelty
    of all those missing pieces.
    She envisioned humanity in a chess match with God,
    man losing but taking pawns.
    She wondered how many pieces it took
    before anyone would notice.
    She wondered how many disappeared
    make up a pang of guilt.

    Submitted on 2005-01-15 00:01:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Oh Wow what a powerful piece. I felt for the woman who died then you made me ponder more on the second womans thouhgts.

    She envisioned humanity in a chess match with God
    Man losing but taking pawns
    She wondered how many pieces it took
    Before anyone would notice.

    This part was especially powerful for me. Man losing but taking pawns :(

    Seems very true.

    | Posted on 2005-09-13 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, who knew that this write would have a deeper impact on me now a few months later. With all the things that have happened surrounding J.B.'s death this really is sad. I'm in tears right now. The world is a beautiful place but horrible people still live here. Senseless things like this and J.B.'s death take place everyday. It's really sad that it has to hit close to home for me to really realize it. I can't stop thinking about it. It being the way J.B. died. I need to stop this. Wow, I'm really sorry I didn't mean to lose it on this comment. I just meant to say thank you again for this write. Now I'm feeling it even more than before. *Hugs* Excellent job.

    | Posted on 2005-07-01 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece strikes me as different from what I would expect from you...dont take that the wrong way though I enjoyed this piece as I do the style of yours I have grown accustom to. I can't help thinking though is god actually playing chess with us or laughing as we play ourselves and lose. It's one of those things that makes me think of one of my favorite lines from a Radiohead song "You do it to yourself you do and thats what really hurts". We visit our own evils upon brothers, sisters, neighbors, and our own children... I can't help thinking that it is not us loosing in a match against god but more so our left hand vs our right hand. He is only the refferee he started gave us the ability to start the match and now he sits and watches learning our strategies, our weaknesses and our strengths, so when we come before him he knows how to judge us. I have to thank you, your work always makes me think. Intriguing piece!-John
    | Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      Thanks for an enjoyable read of your Pawn poem. I could see you incorporating a pun such as Pornshop into such a poem and you had a glorious opportunity for a pun, if you took your line:

    When she went to check the mail.

    And represented it with different spelling and a chess meaning "check" right at the end as:

    Before God went to check the male!

    I did enjoy it, but I'm a bit squeamish about man's inhumanity to man and especially Man's inhumanity to Woman. I think your line of thought needs a little clarification at times. I would have assumed that if the poor girl dies, then mankind has sacrificed a pawn, rather than taken one as your poem seems to suggest.

    I was carried away by how many of something make up a pang of guilt. You know of course about the biblical measurement the scruple and that word's other meaning, so you could have:

    10 twinges to 1 scruple
    10 scruples to 1 qualm
    10 qualms to 1 pang
    10 pangs to 1 guilt
    10 guilts to 1 conscience
    | Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, Amy. This is quite a departure from your usual, minimal style. I like it. It's the kind of social commentary that appeals to me anyway, but you have crafted an very evocative piece here. Only thing I noticed was that L9 doesn't stick with the past tense. I'd suggest
    "The world went on without her"
    Glad I checked this one out, take care,
    | Posted on 2005-01-16 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      ironic that what's outside - the sun, the world, other "good" people - never serve to warm or save her. in fact the sun and the outside is cold. the only warmth is inside, where she is. beautiful piece. i absolutely enjoyed reading it.
    | Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm honored! Thanks so much! I loved this. Truly. For some unknown reason I've been thinking about death a lot lately. Not as in I want to die, but that everyone - everyone - is going to die. And just like you said, "The world will continue
    Without you or me".
    It's just weird to think that. In the book "Tuesdays With Morrie" he talks about how people don't believe "in" death. They think they can trick it. And you know what it's true. This just amazes me because I haven't even mentioned my thoughts about death to anyone and you write this piece that's comparing the two things that have been on my mind lately. Chess and death. It's weird how you'll think of something or someone and then hear or read something about it.
    I really like the fact that the woman who was escaping those men "died free". I liked the transition from the woman who died to the woman who found her. It's spoken nonchalantly and that gives it more effect I think. Great piece. Of course itís a favorite in my book. I loved it. Huggles!
    | Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      i actually like the repetition of the sun coming up every morning. it stresses the fact that the sun DOES come up every morning, whether we want it to or not.

    it is an interesting concept, this chess idea. i used to play chess long ago. i don't particularly like the idea of God playing chess with us mortals, 'cause he would be taking pawns too, wouldn't he? i think of God as being more compassionate. now, man taking pawns is another story. so many abused and treated just like pawns in some man's life.

    this one is very thought-provoking, Amy. it does make me want to re-learn how to play chess! i bought my dad a gorgeous Civil War chess set for his birthday last year. perhaps i'll re-learn and challenge him!!
    | Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      just some slight aliterations:

    She was shocked
    When the sun came up in the morning
    (Came up every morning) <- leave it out, it doesn't make much sense for me
    She only saw
    A beam of cold light
    In the hot, dark room
    Where the men kept her
    Where they abused her
    But the world goes on without her
    She preferred death to the light
    Through the vertical blind
    So she walked through the glass
    Only slightly bloodier
    And just as naked
    When she reached the other side
    She couldn't run
    So she walked
    (Until she found signs of life) <- would leave it out
    She made it up the steps of a farmhouse
    And collapsed into a dead heap
    (But) at least she died free
    The woman found her
    When she went to check the mail
    (And) she realized the world is not a puzzle
    The world will continue
    Without you or me
    She pondered the cruelty
    All those missing pieces
    (She envisioned) humanity IS in a chess match with God
    Man losing but taking pawns
    She wondered how many pieces it took
    Before anyone would notice
    She wondered how many disappeared
    Make up a pang of guilt

    just a few suggestions. it's a very good write. I like especially the beginning. very well done, Amy.
    | Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      The first image we see here is the light through the window, this seems like an inkling of what's to come.
    The idea unfolds, she doesn't like God and nothing about her life is pleasant. I like the way she left, through the window even getting cut to save herself from the abuse. And the way she imagines women being pawns traded by men and God, it all says alot for the world we live in. An imperfect world as long as some creatures are merely pawns in the drama of life.
    Very powerful write, thanks for sharing this one.
    | Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I just had to read it again. ;) I love it even more a second time. I played chess with Mark Thursday and Friday. It was rather fun. He's like "You gotta have a plan." LoL Little does he know he's my plan. hehe But yeah, thanks for this piece. I love it. It's great! :)
    | Posted on 2005-03-05 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    This written by Chelebel
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Push written by JanePlane
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    untitled written by Chelebel
    To written by SavedDragon
    Linger written by saartha
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Giving written by jjd
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]