Description: this is wow to me... people have been telling me for 7 of the past 9 months that its time to move on from the death of the boy i loved most in the whole world but i havent been ready... i feel this is the start of [me realising] the moving on process...
i also believe this can be read with or without the [bits like this] but im not 100%... thanx for everything already...
[also any suggestions for a better title would be awesome...]
the meaning of life -------------------------------------------
Tonight my memories [of you]
are like quicksand
and I find myself
s
i
n
k
i
n
g…
[my] life seems insignificant
[though I swear
I view it through binoculars
held the wrong way…]
and while to some
death is like a trophy
[a prize for living]
I refuse to believe
that death is in fact
the meaning of life
and while tonight
[I feel my life] is
but a shadow
of a shadow
I have come to realise
this one thing…
The past
Belongs to the whole world
But the future
Belongs only to me
and while [I know my] pain
cannot be digested quickly
[if at all]
baby, its time to move on
[I’ve nothing to lose
but these chains…]
and while saying goodbye
is the hardest thing
I’ve ever had to do
[and while I admit
I love these chains…]
you know its time…
its time for me to move on
to step out of your [deathly] shadow
its time for me to shine…
Baby… watch me shine.
I'm noticing that technique with brackets again.... it works best, seemingly, when all the brackets taken together make some kind of sense on their own and thus provide some poetry about the poetry - so to speak! Maybe you don't think of it as a poetic technique - but it looks like one to me!
I always felt that my Mum&Dad were watching me, and I still feel it now when they've been dead many years. When I'm pleased with myself, I know they're pleased, because that's what they wanted from me!
[Watch me shine] stands out to me. You step out from his shadow only to walk into his view. How curious that I stumbled into this one after revewing the your latest [on the same subject].
There are a great many things outstanding in this poem. The first I noticed is the format effect of quicksand to sinking. It is spectacular. The second is the wrong way view of binoculars, I don't think I've ever read anything like that. It is a perfect statement of metaphoric truth. Then there is your use of brackets as a sort of bold without bold effect to highlight certain words and write two things at once without writing more then what you already wrote. Towards the end your use of shadow was getting bogged down especially in comparison to the power of the first ten lines so its good that you closed it with the metaphor of stepping out from under your shadow (though not as original as the rest of the poem it fits quiet well with your subject and has a twist with respects to the dead casting shadows on the living).
Again, I think of what you are doing and it is lifting your self from the past into the present tense with him over your shoulder somehow. It is not true freedom but merely the nest stage in the letting go process which in fact is the true theme of the poem and therefore perfectly put.
memories [of you] so you have memories and at the same time more specific memories, do some of the other memories get overshadowed? or is it just merely emphasis on what types of memories they are? [my] life that is interesting there is your focus on life in general but also your life. [though I swear I view it through binoculars held the wrong way…] well binoculars held the right way would be something you can see in the distance a foresight if they are turned the other way they magnify so that would be paying too much attention to one aspect and not looking at what is ahead, i like that line most of all the "binoculars" pain can't digested quickly espcially manifestations of emotional pain and mental torment. loving chains is somthing i can connect with being bound by some things, things we dont want to let go, i can feel that. the deathly shadow that lingers it can hold us from living out our lives and stepping out is great...from the shadow to shining, i like it. very nicely done, mike
People often misunderstand lifes meaning...but everyone lives for different reason, no one can live the same. Even so,I myself am young but I know what love is,I made so may promises to one personand I will never go back on them. You wanting to move on is a large step,but never say good-bye to the ones you once loved so much...I have lost thousands of people in my life and I never forgot a single one.Everyone wants to know what it's like to love and be loved but half of them will never get the chance.Just don't forget that you chose each other...never forget what love really is.
sorry for the typos... my fingers have been rather [censored]y lately... plus... my keyboards gone mad. fuc-king electric currents ruining the damn thing.
sorry orthe typos... my fingers have been rather [censored]y lately... plus... my keyboards gone mad. fuc-king electric currents ruining the damn thing.
i couldn't agree with you more... death isn't the meaning of life... but we cannot know what real life is without death...
the irony... really.
he must really be something, huh? such a treaure to lose physically... i read dave soap bubble comment and i realized... maybe tha's why i didn't care for bubbles as much when i was a kid.
there's nothing wrong with this piece... this is what real poetry is... to be beyond the need for validation... where the only thing that appears to be desired by the writer is release.
i wish i could write more like this... (more liberated)
the best part is... despite that... it still appears well balanced in a sense that it leaves a mark as one whole poem and not just a literary piece with a few really heavy lines.
This is just beautiful, -poignant yet not depressing because of the strength and hope you show as you learn to let go , and face your own special future. I like what you did with brackets, and the formatting with the vertical "sinking", and indentations of your "realization" "The past Belongs to the whole world But the future Belongs only to me" . You use unusual imagery , and statements that stick in memory, -it makes the piece very articulate and again. shows strength and a positive energy, not an overbearing melancholy tone. (The sinking into quicksand, backwards binoculars,"death is like a trophy/a prize for living-eg. They all work so well to clarify your thought process as you "talk" to this boy over that monstrous wall. The ending is perfect, those who have passed on don't want their loved ones grieving, but rather to go on and experience all they can while they can, and when you say "its time for me to shine… Baby… watch me shine"-I can see him approving and saying "YES!"- You really do shine Jaydee, and that's what life is about. Just fantastic. Silver
You seem to be writing more visually lately. I like the innovative change. This poem is wrenching on my heart right now. I have been stuck on death lately as well as probably half of this site. I love how you make the word "sinking" sink visually. And the introspective asides make the piece for me. The calm surface of how things seem never can fully hide the raging emotion just waiting beneath. Nice work as usual.
what can be said that hasn't already. again fashionably late has turned into "the party's over". you've whipped up some magic here miss jaydee.
"death is like a trophy a prize for living"
i dunno but something about those 2 lines carved a a hole in my chest. i was the one with a sinking feeling. but what you've written is for anyone who can't find the strength to move on. whether it be from something as tragic as your own situation or a simple break up. you've supplied many with a blueprint. awesome job.
Oh my God. I'm full of chills. I'm sorry, but somehow I haven't become familiar with your work, thus your story. This death has obviously effected you deeply. I will try and learn more of it. I'm sorry for your loss.
I think it's common in here for us as readers to urge others to constantly move forward and take on new topics, to feed us more of you. I am one who believes that there is no need to force such movement. I'm sure that each piece you write about this topic is meaningful and new to you, and by working through them you work out more of the pain and come to better understanding.
there is so much depth to this piece. The structure you use is unique and interesting in and of itself. I like the brackets. I think they serve you well here, bringing added layers and depth.
[and while I admit I love these chains…] is especially poignant to me. We do seem to hold on to pain longer than it would make logical sense to. I think we sometimes feel guilty for feeling "okay" as if it is a form of betrayal or a way of forgetting, ignoring our loss.
When my mother died I convinced myself it was for the best, her suffering ceased...I pretty much bottled it up and stored it in my cellar. Thirteen years later it is just beginning to resurface. Getting it all out now will likely serve you well.
The last stanza leaves us all with hope and I'm sure whoever this loved one is is sighing a sigh of relief, happy to know you still hold him dear but that you are finally allowing yourself to rise above it and shine as only you can shine...
Yowza! I first of all love the format of this piece its absolutley amazing how the piece flows, I feel as if this should be a song. Like the lines in the [] would be sung in a little softer then the rest by a second person in the band, maybe not even a band like I can picture you there with some one else and accoustic guitars. The only percusion would be tapping on the guitar itself here and there.I couldnt help but think of the pink floyd song "Shine on you crazy Diamond". This was an excellent piece. I am definatley adding this to my favorites. Shine on!-John
first of all, i wd like to say that this was quite courageous and strong of you to write, luv ya baby. I know movin on is hard, i do not think i have ever made that choice but i know the pain of moving on from someone you love is really painful* so it was very strong for you to write this poem. i have to say that after reading the entire poem, i ended up thinking that perhaps the title could be changed maybe to accepting freedom, i don't know but the meaning of lofe kinda is way off from what you are talking about. i liked the way you used the parentheses, yep u said that it could be read without the words in those parentheses and i agree so i first read it without them and it made complete sense, then i read it with them and it made even more complete sense! lol. Some few things are liked are the s i n k i n g
nice form, very expressive and the quiick sand adds more meaning to it.
i don't know about death being a trophy but Paul the Apostle wrote i don't recall where but it was that '...to live is Christ and death is gain...' i don't know but it cd be a prize in some way.
i also loved the line about admitting that you loved the chains, yeah, i know how it is, lettting go is something hard which i can imagine is like one of the hardest things to do-i think you know why i may be saying this but i have faith in God that all will be alright.
I think the brackets should be changed to parenthesis... just because it will look better. Besides that, I also didn't like the 'baby's... too cliché and it just throws it all off. But otherwise... I liked it. It doesn't seem pointless... like other poems of the same kind, you know? Anyway... I also like the parts between the brackets. It gives me the feeling of two people talking... one whispering extra truths... and other just rambling... talking. Good job!
I don't like the s i n k i n g so much. I would prefer a diagonal line or something similar. that's just me. but I really like the double meanings you create with the things in parentheses. my favourtite were
[though I swear I view it through binoculars held the wrong way…]
maybe you could call it 'pain can't be digested quickly'. just an idea. I like the positive ending. it's good that you look forward again.
I thought I'd check out some of your stuff because I'm woefully behind in reading your work. I like the brackets and S i n k i n g (I'm not sure what to call that).
[my] life seems insignificant [though I swear I view it through binoculars held the wrong way…] and while to some death is like a trophy [a prize for living] I refuse to believe that death is in fact the meaning of life
I like the my being in brackets, making it universal and personal. I like the contrast of life and death, and the ironic touch of viewing yours through binoculars held the wrong way. Sometimes I've even thought of death as a sort of a trophy because of what's on the other side, but I agree that it's not the meaning of life. I uppose life is a quest for skills that we'll need in the afterlife.
[I feel my life] is but a shadow of a shadow
I know that shrinking gray on top of gray feeling. I hope that you live in Technicolor one day.
But the future Belongs only to me
That's a great way to think about it.
and while [I know my] pain cannot be digested quickly [if at all] baby, its time to move on [I’ve nothing to lose but these chains…]
Well, I;m glad you realize that the pain isn't going to go easily (duh), and I hope you're light enough to fly without those chains.
its time for me to shine… Baby… watch me shine.
I'm glad that you are hopeful. I can see you shining now.
As for the description, it's not been horribly long, and you've had a lot of other things going on too, so I'd just let things happen in their own time. There's no timetable for grief, so take as long as you need. These people who say that may not have lost someone so close (I admit that I've never lost a boyfriend).
Let me add my belated condolences also! It's a terrible thing losing someone you love, and it does take time to get over the grief. When we finally do, it's as if we have the strength of two, of a second soul, an inspiration to keep us going.
I like your poem, the format, even the {bits} in brackets. It was a straightforward statement of your resolve to get on with living. I love the phrase about looking at your life through the wrong end of binoculars, as if to diminish it, and this bit:
"The past / belongs to the whole world / but the future / belongs only to me".
That is a wonderful outlook to have, to get past the grief, to get on with your life, to free yourself from a "deathly shadow".
Just a terrific poem, well written, powerful in its message of hope for the future, and still realizing that the one you lost will always be a part of you.
Wow i think this is one of the best things i've read while being on here. I know what its like to loose someone close to you , someone you love, its not a love like you lost but i feel its almost the same. The greatest old guy i ever knew died not but a couple of years ago and it tore through me so much i couldn't bring myself to cry, Frank was a great man and my grandma loved him alot. But i know though he wasn't my real grandpa he is up there somewhere waiting for me to shine as well as this person is waiting on you to shine and they'll definately know when you do and you will know that they know. Keep up the writing and good luck in everything you do.
Well, first of all I want to offer my very very very very late but deep condolences (Nine months late), but I must have said that before I start talking about the poem.
Second of all is my advice to you (If you allow me of course), I've lost many close people in the previous years, so I'm not just talking when I say "I know what you went through, because I went through it too" and I can say it's no use to keep holding to somethings that went away and won't come back, so we must take our time and then all we have to do is to let go even if it was so so hard but we must let go.
And now I'll talk about the poem; The poem as a whole was a very good one, very well written and the idea or the subject is very well presented too, the words are very well chosen to suit the way the poem was written.
I really don't know why did you use all those brackets! I mean is there's a certain reason?! If there's I would like to know about it because I thought it was a little bit bothering!
I really liked the part that says
"I refuse to believe that death is in fact the meaning of life"
And also the stanza saying
"and while saying goodbye is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do [and while I admit I love these chains…] you know its time…"
The way you presented it as if there's a conversation between the both of you is so emotional and very sincere too.
One last thing is an advice that says "Yesterday is history and Tomorrow is myestry, but Today is a bless so enjoy it".
Anyway I hope that my comment was somehow helpful to you and Good job and keep it up.
thanks for your openness. i do have a suggestion for a new title. it came to me when i read Tonight my memories [of you] are like quicksand and I find myself s i n k i n g…
what do you think of "resurrection"? seems appropriate on many different levels. just a thought. trey
im so sorry to say but i didn't really understand this. im a beginning writer and i write simple things. hopefully you can explain it to me. but in the descripton you say it's about people telling you to get over the death of the person ou've loved all your life. and i can say that know what you are feeling. a friend i had fallen in love with took his life 4 months ago and i haven't and will never get over it. dont get over it and don't over it, but move on. if oyu loved that perosn then they will always be in your heart and everyday thoughts, but ive learned that they would want us to be happy for the and we now have to live our lives for the both of us. but if you can please explain to me what this all says. sory and thank you
i am sure that the spirit of the person you are speaking of would love to see you shine and wouldn't want you to continue to feel sad... i love the line about looking at life through binoculars the wrong way! i certainly have felt that way before...
the meaning of life... what exactly is that? i suppose it's different for everyone. moving on is a good thing, though, and you are doing it with grace.
You're right, death isn't the meaning of life, although it is the inevitable conclusion. But there are proper times for everything. Too sad that like soap bubles that pop as soon as we blow them through the hoops, some people never seem to really get started living. I liked your unorthodox form, fitting for the feelings you are sharing here. Not exactly something that fits in a prefab box, is it? Good work, feel better, shine on, Dave
Wow this is quite a good piece. I really have much respect for you being open in this. Admiting all the good sides and admitting to yourself that u need it. well i don't know this part ( and while i admit i love these chains). i really respect u putting yourself out there like that, that's what this writing stuff is all about. i love the use of the decending letters. i read it slow like i'm decending. i don't know but it gave me this like emotions sinking in the pit of my stomach feel to it which works good for this piece. great write. and i enjoy the optimism that shines through. take care of yourself.
Submission Name: the meaning of life
i read dave soap bubble comment and i realized... maybe tha's why i didn't care for bubbles as much when i was a kid.
but what you've written is for anyone who can't find the strength to move on. whether it be from something as tragic as your own situation or a simple break up. you've supplied many with a blueprint. awesome job.
