do you know, i think this will stand without the description although it has been here so long now, the removal of it will make little or no mark. but i think you might be more frugal with description because there is more here than the reverse osmosis of a damaged beauty. this works on a number of planes and others will get what they want from it but possibly more, had the somewhat prescriptive description not been there - if that makes sense... whatever. you have combined a taut narrative style with emotive and provocative words and that combination supports your ideas here well. take it easy. lemonsqueezy. K
Wow. I feel as if there's not a single thing I can say here that hasn't already been said. But I didn't read any of the comments, so I'll take a chance We've all read the story of the ugly duckling. And many of us have clung to that concept, that feeling of belonging, like a frightened child. It's been a comfort to think that maybe, someday... You've flipped the story around here, something that I've never seen done in quite a way. Your metaphor for rape is amazing. I think without the description, this could be made into a thousand different stories. But, with the description, the poem seems to fit beautifully. It's sad, but that's the world. This was just...amazing lol. Be well ~Rachel~
Nicely done. Again, a minimum of words to make the point.
This is one of those poems that could be understood on two levels. I would never guess that you were speaking of rape if I hadn't read the description. If that was a critical piece of the puzzle, ie if you using this on a rape support center poster, it wouldn't really make the grade.
On the other hand, standing on it's own, without any kind of agenda or purpose, it's an incredible work. It really doesn't matter why the graceful swan became the ugly duckling, it's sad as hell. It could be rape, breakup, the death of a loved one, loss of a job, really anything that attacks the ego.
There are way too many ugly ducklings out there. Thanks for writing this for all of them.
Now all I need to do is find that Fav button. Steve
ive not read anything of yours for a very long time but it seems every where ive been tonight and everything ive commented on you have been there before me and have commented on it so i simply had to come check out some of your stuff...
this is incredible... really it is... such a response to such a horrid thing that is really happening WAAAY too much these days...
the transformation that takes place in this write (or metamorphopsis as you so aptly named this piece) is heart breaking as... the swan is always a swan whether she realises it or not... ya know? i mean... a friend of mine was raped and she felt so violated and dirty and it was SOOO hard to convince her that she wasnt at fault and she wasnt ruined... i just dont understand why anyone would want to ruin such beauty...
this is a VERY powerful write... i guess the reality of never being able to rid oneself from such an event is evident in this write though i still maintain there is some kinda hope... even the ugly duckling found acceptance in the end...
I saw the first butterfly of the year earlier today, and was coming to thank you for commenting on my poem, when this title grabbed my attention. And wow!
This one cuts swift and deep, a minimalist blade that stops the heart instantly . I like the way each stanza flowed into the next, just enough breathing room in between each to let the ugly realization and shock set in.
The reverse-metamorphosis of the swan was wonderfully poignant and original imagery. It alludes to the innocence of HC Anderson's Ugly duckling, and undersocres both the tragedy and the irreversible impact on the victim. Of course physically she is still beautiful, but she will not feel that way for a long, long time, if ever. The rational truth here, that you can't reverse her metamorphosis, also applies to the crime.
For me, this work of yours is particularly poignant. You express the devastation so much more succinctly than I do in my journal ... though it is just that, my diary, a record of events and feelings.. this one being how I felt watching the young girls get ready for their Prom evening and it kept me occupied as I sat at the hospital bedside throughout the entire night with the beautiful victim.)
I can feel the anger boiling away under the surface of your beautiful phraseology. The overwhelming disgust and revulsion of self that beautiful young girls are left with when this happens to them, affects them and those they love and those that love them for life and I welcome your poem as it highlights this perfectly. I regret that there is a lot of it about here on the South Coast of England. … in "Club land". I just did not expect it to happen at a prom! Thank you for this treasure. J
Oh man, great little poem here! right off the bat my thoughts wandered to Yeats' "leda and the swan"..mythic. Every word is a category of ideas. You manage in the briefest of syllables to force the reader to think, to feel, to open their eyes and see.
Without the description..we might not discern the subject of the poem...which is a good thing. Most good poems have more than one possible interpretation, but only one that the author most intended.
There's a reason i'm stalking you...i will read them all eventually. Reading this one was a delight. later, kc
Hey there. This piece makes me just...wow. You said so much in an incredibly short amount of words. And it just hit so hard line by line. The metaphor of the swan transformed into an ugly duckling was great. The whole concept of rape and date rape makes me sick. Personally I cannot grasp how someone could rape another person and actually manage to sleep at night.
I know a few people who have been in similar situations as this. And from watching the experiences they went through, I can say that this piece hits home in a very big way.
I do like the way you formatted this. From my perspective, poetry that is very serious in nature should be about the words, not as much about the format. I feel that the way you worded this made it all the more effective.
Great work here. You've got some mad talent my dear. Much love. :-)
Wow, this is powerful but in a truly gentle and beautiful way. Terrific idea for theme, the image of swan is perfect, because I see them as most elegant and innocent. And then the violation, the domination, if I think of this too long, I'll go off. Not being able to control yourself is one thing, taking control of another against their will is unforgivable. Yeah, I suppose that's why God has a job, right? Bravo,
Brilliant! A great write! I love the swan to duckling comparison. A turn on the old story of the "Ugly Duckling". Although I believe it is "the other swan" who is truly ugly, sort of a "buzzard" kind of ugly. While the victim swan. losing much emotionally, will still retain her beauty.
This poem is an allegorical story of date rape, and as such you have set up a mood of innocence, that contrasts the reality of its meaning. Swans take the place of people, and a duckling replaces the shame of the aftermath. I think this is brlliant!
The form of the poem is excellent also, not long and preaching, but short and direct, setting the scene and letting it play out. A visual that depicts the brutality , with out being brutal itself. Just terrific!
Yes, there is way too many date rapes going on, somewhere in this crazy world, people have taught or by being absent as a parent, how to disrepect women in general overall.
This is a tremeous write, quietly thundering,bravo
wow. this is good on so many levels. poetically i'd make it one stanza, but other than that, a terrific piece. the emotion comes through so clearly and the imagery is great!
Wow. As a victim...this spoke to me. The way you moved backwards. Hurt my heart. But, beautiful piece. I'm afraid to say anything else. Not trusting my emotions or heart right now. ~BCute
that was very poignant and quite touching. the way you turned around the ugly duckling thing is very sad. you took the whole ugly duckling turning into a swan and reversed it, to very profound effect. i just see this poor ruffled duckling trying to fly away... it almost brings tears to my eyes.
graceful swan can you brush painful remnants of his lust from your feather
That makes me think of "Leda and the Swan" by W.B. Yeats but in reverse (The swan rapes the girl in that).
as you attempt to escape in awkward flight
broken and transformed ugly duckling into the night
I like how you reverse "The Ugly Duckling" too. I can see her trying to fly away all broken and abuse. It's scary.
Yeah, I agree that date rape is horrible. It's hard to trust people sometimes. A beautiful girl goes on a date and comes back broken. Sadly, sometimes men use date rape drugs and the girls never wake up. This is a poignant piece.
It seemed reverse of the story "The Ugly Duckling". Something horrible transformed the beautiful soul into hurt and sorrowful. No matter how hard the person tries, memories will not be wiped clean so easily.
this was so wonderful. the graceful swan with the horrible, disgusting man who cant control himself...i esp. liked the first stanza. truely beautiful, i cant find anything to complain about. nice write :) sophie
a fall from grace... very dramatic. no matter how fast the flight... the stains would still be there. so they drift through time feeling unclean...
but hope exists... i've met a lot of people who were able to survive rape and bounce back as beacons of beauty. although they don't consider it to be ok... they're... well... better than they were before. i mean... look at tori amos. i do believe she experienced rape during the '80... but now she's making good music. deep and personal pieces that shake the soul.
i'm not saying that rape is a good thing... that it is fine to rape someone and let that someone go coz one day s/he'll be making good music... or plays... or novels... or self-help books... whatever. to me, rape is an effective way to destroy someone... but when a person bounces back from that... they become spotted swans... survivors... inspirations.
this is a wonderful piece and i wouldn't change a thing.
Submission Name: Metamorphosis
