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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A day at the beachdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Unicrom
    ASL Info:    30/m/pacific northwest
    Elite Ratio:    4.81 - 116/71/110
    Words: 184
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 900
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 974



    Description:
       What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?


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    dotsA day at the beachdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The day was young. The sound of the shore lapping at the sand was soothing.
    The sun was just right, as the gentle breeze touched my skin it made me feel like I was wrapped in silk.

    The sand was soft like a gentle sponge beneath my feet.

    The sounds of the wind, the shore and the birds chased away all doubts of remorse, stress and only offer true peace and harmony.

    Walking long the beach my ears could hear the sound of kids playing and laughing.

    A small grotto was off to my left and it called for me. My eyes took the offer and sat on the warm piece of wood.

    As I sat there thinking of you and how wonderful you are. On the beach, having fun relaxing as you watched the birds chase the surf.

    The sea the sand the surf. Make me now realize that looking across the ocean that there is somebody on the other side that now looks back at me with a warm smile.





    Submitted on 2005-01-16 16:51:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      A nice misc/misc poem :)...Quite discriptive! This is almost like a longing poem waiting for the love across the sea :) At least that's what it reminds me of ;)...as far as advice/critique...a couple of quick suggestions...try to cut down or eliminate the "ands, and the its" You can condense this down and it would flow even better!...The use of "warm smile" is a bit cliché and you may look for a better, more descripitive/powerful adjetive :) Overall I enjoyed this a great deal and offer my praise!

    StW
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by Stwcjj | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there this is like a beautiful painting written in words. It makes one think there is always someone on the other side waiting for us. I wish it were so lol.
    To the poem. I like the message behind it and the idea is great. It has a perfect ending.
    Nice work with love shabnam
    | Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
      i loved the end part, when you look out across the ocean and realize that there is someone way over on the other side looking out as well. that is cool!

    you've got some great descriptions here, like the silky breeze and the spongy sand... nice.

    welcome to elite! i'm from the Pacific Northwest, too. i'm in Lacey (right next to Olympia). where are you?
    | Posted on 2005-01-16 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]


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