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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Deepened Memoriesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Chicool2
    ASL Info:    17/f/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 266/260/60
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Longing
    Total Views: 1128
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 769



    Description:
       Just a piece about the boy at my dance. The one I see every day. The one who has a girlfriend and doesn't know I exist, but yet everytime I look at him almost everytime he is looking back...

    BTW-The '*' stands for Chorus if you didn't know
    The '**' stands for changes in rhythm...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeepened Memoriesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    -Guitar Beginning-

    You're pulling me down
    And making me cry
    I wanna live with you
    Because without I may as well die

    *My memories are with you
    All the memories
    The good, the bad, and yet to come
    All the memories
    Please let us be the ones to love

    Oh all the pictures on my wall
    The past I've spent with you
    Inside I'm screaming "Come back"
    To my heart I must be true

    *Chorus

    **But I guess you love her
    And you're in love with her
    I was always scared
    Because it was you I was in love with

    *Chorus x2

    I'll always love you
    -Guitar End-




    Submitted on 2005-01-16 20:33:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You say there's a change in rhythm, yet its hard to pick up. I'll admit its good for imaging the guitar part you set behind this piece. If there is a change of rhythm, I think it should be accompanied by a change of subject, or something to make it more obvious, rather than just an asterix. I have to say I would have read the song exactly same as I did, without the asterixes.

    Anyway, with the critisism over with, I think that this did show its fair bit of emotion, and the imagery about the pictures on the wall was well fit into the song as well as being good lyricism. Of all the song genres...if this goes down as pop, thats the worst that could happen (sorry if you're a pop fan) but this definately not mainstream material. I enjoyed these lyrics, nice work!
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds like a pop song which depending on your opinion of pop could be good or bad. But to me those songs are all the same. But who am I to judge this? Only you can be the judge of poetry because poetry is a part of you and you are awesome.
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmm, this piece's got the potential and the emotion, what it really lacks is the flow. sometimes to maintain the flow you've sacrificed sense. i mean look at the last line it should be without you, right, well in lyrics you gotta make sense, lemme try...

    You're pulling me down
    make me feel far from home
    but i cant live without you
    your stockholm syndrome.

    well stockholm syndrome, cause he's stolen your heart and you're attracted to him, get it? thats just my idea tho.


    well the chorus is good, but there is scope for improvement.

    you have my memories
    all of them
    the good, the bad and yet to come
    you have my memories
    all of them
    all i wish is we would become one.

    but you get the idea?

    well those are my suggestions. i feel you should continue to write songs because you have a flair for it, and in a certain time you are bound to be a master at it. really. i can feel it. and this guy you like can be quite an inspiration, when you want him to be.

    Zu
    | Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this. But, more for the lyrical quality. Considering I cannot hear the music. Therefore, I am able to say I like the lyrics...just not sure if I like it as a song. Because, I cannot hear the music put to it. You can like lyrics..and not a song. Am I making sense?
    ~BCute
    | Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
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    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    42426

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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