Description: This sort of flowed out of me. The first line flowed and made the rest. I hope you like it. It's darker though. I am trying a new technique I guess...
This is just too rhymed. Sorry, it sounds like a nursery rhyme on crack. Rhyme works best when it is subtle, and this definatately isn't. I'm also confused by the plot and the meaning behind it (T0rn SkiRT covered it well thoug, so I'll leave that alone). You also need to do a grammar/spell check on this.
It's an interesting exercise, but I'm not sure what to tell you. It seems to sparse to tell the story, but if you fill it out, it'll be too much. That's just me 2 cents, feel free to ignore it.
I'm not sure I understand the plot or the storyline. Perhaps I would of better enjoyed this having known the background? It did flow true that..but it almost seemed...like a tense flow. I cannot explain it. ~BCute
I think the short lines of such a strong rhyme scheme work against you in this piece. The sing song tone of this needs longer lines or at least non rhyming lines to fit the tone. Your imagery and story get lost int he nursery rhyme feel of this. jan
i did not understand anything that went on in this poem. i hve to agree with torn shirt...this just kept jumping from on e thing to the next...i think u should work on putting in more feeling and make it more clear cuz it was a bit confusing
Submission Name: Wrong Punishment
