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Wrong Punishment

Author: Chicool2
ASL Info:    17/f/Pennsylvania
Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 266 /260 /60
Words: 111
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1116
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 763


This sort of flowed out of me. The first line flowed and made the rest. I hope you like it. It's darker though. I am trying a new technique I guess...

Wrong Punishment

Glass shatters
Liquid spatters
Nothing matters
She gets a ladder

She climbs to the top
After she hears the pop
Sh'e almost stopped
By an ignorant cop

She sees the gunman run
While he drops the gun
Her heart feels like it weighs a ton
This can't be considered a pun

Her heart
Is torn apart
The car won't start
When she needs to get to the nearest mart

"There's been an accident!
A man has been given wrong punishment
To me he was heavensent."
These words the words that she meant

She cried
By his side
As he died
Eyes open wide...

Submitted on 2005-01-16 21:30:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  This is just too rhymed. Sorry, it sounds like a nursery rhyme on crack. Rhyme works best when it is subtle, and this definatately isn't. I'm also confused by the plot and the meaning behind it (T0rn SkiRT covered it well thoug, so I'll leave that alone). You also need to do a grammar/spell check on this.
| Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  I know there is a meaning or message behind this but alas it is no where to be found within the body of this poem(?)

They only positive thing I can say is it rhymed. which was cute. but as far as it being something the reader can relate or even invision...nope.

If you do end up fixing this I'd like to that I'm not left thinking okay it had a girl in it and a cop...but what happend to that ladder?
| Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
  It's an interesting exercise, but I'm not sure what to tell you. It seems to sparse to tell the story, but if you fill it out, it'll be too much. That's just me 2 cents, feel free to ignore it.
| Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm not sure I understand the plot or the storyline. Perhaps I would of better enjoyed this having known the background? It did flow true that..but it almost a tense flow. I cannot explain it.
| Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  I think the short lines of such a strong rhyme scheme work against you in this piece. The sing song tone of this needs longer lines or at least non rhyming lines to fit the tone. Your imagery and story get lost int he nursery rhyme feel of this.
| Posted on 2005-01-16 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
  i did not understand anything that went on in this poem. i hve to agree with torn shirt...this just kept jumping from on e thing to the next...i think u should work on putting in more feeling and make it more clear cuz it was a bit confusing
| Posted on 2005-01-16 00:00:00 | by rhen | [ Reply to This ]

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