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    dots Submission Name: Wrong Punishmentdots

    Author: Chicool2
    ASL Info:    17/f/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 266/260/60
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 976
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 763

       This sort of flowed out of me. The first line flowed and made the rest. I hope you like it. It's darker though. I am trying a new technique I guess...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWrong Punishmentdots

    Glass shatters
    Liquid spatters
    Nothing matters
    She gets a ladder

    She climbs to the top
    After she hears the pop
    Sh'e almost stopped
    By an ignorant cop

    She sees the gunman run
    While he drops the gun
    Her heart feels like it weighs a ton
    This can't be considered a pun

    Her heart
    Is torn apart
    The car won't start
    When she needs to get to the nearest mart

    "There's been an accident!
    A man has been given wrong punishment
    To me he was heavensent."
    These words the words that she meant

    She cried
    By his side
    As he died
    Eyes open wide...

    Submitted on 2005-01-16 21:30:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This is just too rhymed. Sorry, it sounds like a nursery rhyme on crack. Rhyme works best when it is subtle, and this definatately isn't. I'm also confused by the plot and the meaning behind it (T0rn SkiRT covered it well thoug, so I'll leave that alone). You also need to do a grammar/spell check on this.
    | Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I know there is a meaning or message behind this but alas it is no where to be found within the body of this poem(?)

    They only positive thing I can say is it rhymed. which was cute. but as far as it being something the reader can relate or even invision...nope.

    If you do end up fixing this I'd like to view...so that I'm not left thinking okay it had a girl in it and a cop...but what happend to that ladder?
    | Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
      It's an interesting exercise, but I'm not sure what to tell you. It seems to sparse to tell the story, but if you fill it out, it'll be too much. That's just me 2 cents, feel free to ignore it.
    | Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure I understand the plot or the storyline. Perhaps I would of better enjoyed this having known the background? It did flow true that..but it almost seemed...like a tense flow. I cannot explain it.
    | Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the short lines of such a strong rhyme scheme work against you in this piece. The sing song tone of this needs longer lines or at least non rhyming lines to fit the tone. Your imagery and story get lost int he nursery rhyme feel of this.
    | Posted on 2005-01-16 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      i did not understand anything that went on in this poem. i hve to agree with torn shirt...this just kept jumping from on e thing to the next...i think u should work on putting in more feeling and make it more clear cuz it was a bit confusing
    | Posted on 2005-01-16 00:00:00 | by rhen | [ Reply to This ]

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