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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: burning screendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BuryThisLie
    ASL Info:    18/Male/Virginia...
    Elite Ratio:    4.77 - 17/22/5
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Being a Teen
    Total Views: 863
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1068



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsburning screendots
    -------------------------------------------


    burn the screen...
    rotten threads rope me in
    but im not strong enough
    to break their strength
    show me the light glinting off my knife
    that cant sever my binds
    i wish the fresh picked water
    would wash away my sins
    that i dont care about
    they'll follow me through life as a
    disdainful rage
    that makes me with the faeries will slice me up
    degrade my character
    and make me burn
    i wish i knew the way through the darkened tunnel
    but i dont want the light
    that lets me know im dead
    death is the eternal
    reprieve of the living
    return me to life
    a second life thats lesser
    than the first
    papercuts line my edges
    and caress me to suicide
    the vent calls for my doom
    basket case 101
    save me from the devils grasp
    better yet... leave me to him
    for he loves me more
    than you ever shall
    so screw you...
    and leave me to my own deperate
    cry for help




    Submitted on 2005-01-16 23:51:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was really good and very emotional and Wow! I like all of your work and I am going through your list right now looking at them all.

    Peace
    lori_tab
    | Posted on 2005-01-24 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah, justin, this is pretty twisted - aka. I LOVE IT! baskit casez unite! the only thing is that i'd try breaking it up a little into stanzas, and you had a few lines broken up a bit odd like, but nothing that took away from this poem. There were just some awesome lines that created such imagery in my mind that well, i can still see these pictures. And although I'm still giggling at your reference to faeries, this was a really awesome poem, and in all honesty, i think it's my favorite of yours.
    And remember good christians sacrifice goats
    Hehe, anyway, don't worship satan, he's bad. and not in that wonderfully kinky way, he's just baaad. Why worship someone who doesn't exist?
    Nice Write Sunshine
    | Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked how many of your lines were twisted. I knew what the pain implied but was reading into something else. I can't really say what my fav. line was because I enjoyed all images that were here. I will say that I would try and remove as many " I" 's as I could from the poem. It will let the reader fall into this poem easier. It will be able to suck them in and hold them there longer. It will also make the flow of this better.
    Very intense and the ending... very powerful!
    Dana
    | Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very emotional peice that has some instances of excellent imagery:

    burn the screen...
    rotten threads rope me in
    but im not strong enough
    to break their strength

    the binding tap of self loathing... nice.

    show me the light glinting off my knife
    that cant sever my binds

    "this line up here is pretty phucin twisted"


    i wish the fresh picked water
    would wash away my sins

    eh

    that makes me with the faeries will slice me up


    Theres a horrible synax structure with this line up here, it doesnt make any sence



    but overall, a great peice. I can see from the intensity of emotion that you should keep at it.
    | Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]
      that was very intense and filled with pain...

    papercuts line my edges
    and caress me to suicide

    i liked these lines a lot. it's like you just reek of pain, like an exposed nerve that you just can't stand living. i'm curious about the you that you speak of. is it a person or is it God?

    if this is what being a teen is like, i'm real glad i'm not there anymore. at least you have this poetry as an outlet. i think you ought to name your poem, though. anything. give it the dignity of a name... perhaps "rotten threads" or something...

    ~Shalom
    | Posted on 2005-01-16 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]


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