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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: THE ENDdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jermwerm
    ASL Info:    26/m/FRESNO CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.29 - 203/268/83
    Words: 153
    Class/Type: Deep Thought/
    Total Views: 1049
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 952



    Description:
       end our cruel world.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTHE ENDdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I can't wait for the end.
    I can't wait till were sinned.
    I can't wait for it all.
    I can't miss it then.
    I don't want to go under,
    with rotted out skin,
    with flesh melting bones again and again.
    I will wait till I see you.
    I can't see what goes on.
    Were killing ourselves.
    I want to be done.
    I'll go empty as ashes, energy blasted,
    free on my own.
    No nerve or reaction.
    Some people have their time, the worlds is near.
    All along it's been my time,
    and my hell is here.
    My hell is my breathing, my living, my thoughts.
    I want to be taken and shattered as frost.
    As cold as inside me,
    as dark as my mind.
    I was always burnt out, when I tried to shine.
    So please do your deed,
    take what you need.
    If you just let me die.
    I finally feel free.




    Submitted on 2005-01-17 09:56:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think this is a great poem. The lines: 'rotted out skin,' 'empty as ashes, energy blasted' and 'I want to be taken and shattered as frost' are really evocative and fresh. They're also strongly rhythmic. I would probably take out the rhyming couplets though because couplets are assocaited with happy poems so they don't fit.
    | Posted on 2005-02-08 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
      "I was always burnt out, when I tried to shine."

    That is the best line in there. i guarantee it. Again i want to express the whole rhyming thing. its not you best talent but then again it is not your worst. i think we all have our moments and you had yours in the past poem and i think that this piece works out for you in certain ways and then in another light it doesnt quite make the cut. I like the way that you worded it and the style that you used. I just feel that instead of forcing it to sound good with a rhyming word. you could just express what you really want to say instead of trying to make it fit. make snese?

    I still think that you did a great job on this one and i wish that you keep it up.

    Oh and there is some grammatical errors in this that can easily be fixed. Revise it a little and you will be good to go.

    Again, good job. Keep it up.

    Getting tired of me saying that yet? lol
    | Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by PookiezBookie | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this one, but i couldnt really get into the rhyme scheme. I think it would be better if it were free verse. Sometimes trying so hard to rhyme changes the meaning of what we are writing. Overall it was a prtty good write. :)
    | Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by RedRoseofBlood | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good poem, the lines
    "with rotted out skin,
    with flesh melting bones again and again.
    I will wait till I see you."
    are very descriptive and stimulate the mind to create the immage you are trying to make. Good job!
    | Posted on 2005-03-07 00:00:00 | by Pelon | [ Reply to This ]


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