This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

answer my plea

Author: xena z rokax
Elite Ratio:    4.54 - 35 /35 /16
Words: 173
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 923
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1110


i don't think any of us know where we stand and we need a little hope and a chance. i don't really know what i am trying to say, it just comes out. i'd like to know how it makes people feel, if they think it's crap or if it is any good. i think the ending falls short myself but i haven't been able to fix it.

answer my plea

where am i in this world so small
can't hear the echo of my desparate call
the walls crowd in on me
i can't breathe, too dark to see
the ground crumbles beneath my feet
the earth and sky cry out and meet
a flash of lightning, burning tears
the waste and futility of all these years
weigh me down and press upon my throat
they've pulled up the gate, i can't cross the moat
my dreams rush away
burning with decay
i clutch madly for support
my accusers yelling abuses in this court
and i can't defend myself
all words are failing
demons assailing
chains tare at my wrist
angry crowds attack me with their fists
i can't protect myself, i am haggard, alone
help me now, hear my helpless moan
my pride is crushed, ground to dust
my heart broken, and filthy with must
with open arms i beg forgiveness
pray for mercy's gentle kiss
sweet rain falls on my aching face
and cries of joy fill all of space

Submitted on 2005-01-17 14:46:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  It's a good piece. Good use of metaphor and metonymy. This work has an interesting rhyming couplet break at line 15. I noticed that inconsistencies like those make the viewer read it again, thus more of an impact is made. Good concluding, but I would've liked to see more punctuation or, capitalization...unless that's just your style. And I like stanza breaks, they help me read/understand the poem better.
Keep up the good work.
| Posted on 2005-01-24 00:00:00 | by Ziplock006 | [ Reply to This ]
  What's this crybaby drivel? Why should I care how small and alone YOU feel? What about ME? I'm your reader. How can I get anything out of this if you keep spoon-feeding me. Boohoohooo! Owww, pass the salt . . . this stuff's terrible! There are more clichés in this poem than you can "shake a stick at." Not to mention a small army of intangible concept words that do nothing but choke the life out of this piece. And what's this word in line 18 I see "tare?" I'm not familiar with it. Oh, wait, did you mean tear? As in rip, cut, slice, or otherwise seperate? Well if I were you, I'd tare up this poem and start again.

Now, I just happened to read your comments on a poem. I think I managed to demonstrate the same spirit you showed that person. How'd my dick taste?

Now, did that answer your plea?
| Posted on 2005-02-20 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  great piece lts of life emotions put out here maybe work with it abit in stansas it will be even a better read great write eg first three lines make a 5 line stansa and then go on and rewrite just for yourself and then re read it no bad intent made just a thought or read a few of mine Images or Soul' train
| Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?