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answer my plea


Author: xena z rokax
Elite Ratio:    4.54 - 35 /35 /16
Words: 173
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 923
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1110



Description:


i don't think any of us know where we stand and we need a little hope and a chance. i don't really know what i am trying to say, it just comes out. i'd like to know how it makes people feel, if they think it's crap or if it is any good. i think the ending falls short myself but i haven't been able to fix it.


answer my plea



where am i in this world so small
can't hear the echo of my desparate call
the walls crowd in on me
i can't breathe, too dark to see
the ground crumbles beneath my feet
the earth and sky cry out and meet
a flash of lightning, burning tears
the waste and futility of all these years
weigh me down and press upon my throat
they've pulled up the gate, i can't cross the moat
my dreams rush away
burning with decay
i clutch madly for support
my accusers yelling abuses in this court
and i can't defend myself
all words are failing
demons assailing
chains tare at my wrist
angry crowds attack me with their fists
i can't protect myself, i am haggard, alone
help me now, hear my helpless moan
my pride is crushed, ground to dust
my heart broken, and filthy with must
with open arms i beg forgiveness
pray for mercy's gentle kiss
sweet rain falls on my aching face
and cries of joy fill all of space




Submitted on 2005-01-17 14:46:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  It's a good piece. Good use of metaphor and metonymy. This work has an interesting rhyming couplet break at line 15. I noticed that inconsistencies like those make the viewer read it again, thus more of an impact is made. Good concluding, but I would've liked to see more punctuation or, capitalization...unless that's just your style. And I like stanza breaks, they help me read/understand the poem better.
Keep up the good work.
| Posted on 2005-01-24 00:00:00 | by Ziplock006 | [ Reply to This ]
  What's this crybaby drivel? Why should I care how small and alone YOU feel? What about ME? I'm your reader. How can I get anything out of this if you keep spoon-feeding me. Boohoohooo! Owww, pass the salt . . . this stuff's terrible! There are more clichés in this poem than you can "shake a stick at." Not to mention a small army of intangible concept words that do nothing but choke the life out of this piece. And what's this word in line 18 I see "tare?" I'm not familiar with it. Oh, wait, did you mean tear? As in rip, cut, slice, or otherwise seperate? Well if I were you, I'd tare up this poem and start again.

Now, I just happened to read your comments on a poem. I think I managed to demonstrate the same spirit you showed that person. How'd my dick taste?

Now, did that answer your plea?
| Posted on 2005-02-20 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  great piece lts of life emotions put out here maybe work with it abit in stansas it will be even a better read great write eg first three lines make a 5 line stansa and then go on and rewrite just for yourself and then re read it no bad intent made just a thought or read a few of mine Images or Soul' train
sandman
| Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]


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