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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Friday Nightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Olah89
    ASL Info:    16/M/WA
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 24/11/3
    Words: 296
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 886
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2007



    Description:
       Ok. Well i dont know if that qualifies as poetry.
    Im not skilled in the ways of poetry. Haha. but i will,
    continue to try. maybe you could help me. Actually,
    i dont think i followed a single form of poetry, it is basically a collection of thoughts about how i felt.
    i do not know how to incorporate as much detail. remember though, im not doing this because i like too. im doing this because I Love you! Remember that when you critique the heck out of it. hahaha.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFriday Nightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Friday Night

    I sit on lonely nights,
    though all have been lonely since,
    being without you there,
    Till one day i talk to you,

    A burden carried off my chest,
    As a secret so long kept,
    though delayed response,
    brings me great dispare,
    i wait for the communique,
    that one shall answer my crying call.

    Happiness!!
    like a child recieving getting candy,
    Times Ten!!!
    My joy overflows,
    Long long nights,
    typing away,
    sharing my heart with every word,
    now wishing till that day,
    where we may finally be alone,
    walking on the beach,
    the sand sifting through our toes,
    as the intense blue ocean crashes at our feet,

    though everyone says it cannot be,
    and past trys to rot tomorrow,
    we carry on through it all,
    then suddenly it strikes me,
    why should the world care,
    what my love and i have,
    why do they continue to destroy our happiness,
    as if they dont understand,
    if were both happy why share these words of sorrow,

    reading your heart,
    realizing so much pain,
    i only hope that one day,
    you will not have these feelings,
    of course,
    to be your soldier,
    is to protect you from the world,
    i realize i cannot,
    though as im alive,
    you will not be harmed,
    without me being as well,

    my mind wonders,
    some say dreaming,
    i say finally alive,
    drifting from all that once was important,
    i think of only one thing,
    YOU!



    Strive to be original! Does the piece make the reader use their wit to understand? Are things stated "poetically" and not spoon feeding emotions?

    Challenge yourself not to write in first person. If you are idle too long you may be automatically logged off, be careful.




    Submitted on 2005-01-17 17:08:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      How touching... sweet, as some might say. A good way to proffess such love... though I didn't realize that you were a poet yourself, andy. Interesting. And with this I would also like to welcome you to elite (and you must realize that the things you write here are not meant only for your dear suven's eyes...).

    What made this piece good was the honesty in it. That especially shows in the fifth stanza... the one suven liked so much. You have captured that protective, loving spirit any good man should have. For your first poem on the site, I must congratulate you.
    -Ari Leukos
    | Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by Ari Leukos | [ Reply to This ]
      OMG! I didnt actally believe anyone would read this other than Suven! Thank you very much for even looking at it, but then to comment on it was awesome. I am still very much new to this and well...poetry! I didnt ever even dream that it would measure up to the lovely Miss Suven's ability. Thank you for your comments. Olah
    | Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by Olah89 | [ Reply to This ]
      "and past trys to rot tomorrow," I especially liked that line. Also "you will not be harmed,
    without me being as well,"
    Those lines were especially sweet. There were some very good parts in there! I'm just a beginner at this too...do not worry for we will always fall short of Miss Suven now won't we?
    | Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]
      The esence is there you can feel it as you flow through the lines, but the rythm is a bit of. I know u noticed you spelled a whole lot of words in the wrong way but it is completely redable. If you plan on continuing to writte you should probably not try to force rhyme. I really liked this part of the poem

    why should the world care,
    what my love and i have,
    why do they continue to destroy our happiness,
    as if they dont understand,

    It is short and has good flow.
    Nice first try, keep it up!
    | Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by Lana | [ Reply to This ]
      Awww, Andy...
    This is crazy. I've never had anyone write me poetry! (Well, there was that one from Shareena, but that was friendship), though still awesome, it couldn't compete with this one. It's on a totally different level. I am very pleased with your attempts in writing. Gosh...grateful.

    Babe, you are aware that in the description box, it might sound to other readers as if they've intruded upon a conversation of ours. haha. I love it though.

    This is incredibly sweet! Here are some of the lines that really reached me:
    reading your heart,
    realizing so much pain,
    ...
    to be your soldier,
    is to protect you from the world,
    i realize i cannot,
    though as im alive,
    you will not be harmed,
    without me being as well

    Ok, so I love the entire 5th stanza! It's nice that you've looked that far, and reached in beyond the surface words I speak (or write). I thought it was also cool how you covered a bunch of stuff...like I was reading a novel. That is a pretty difficult task, but I understood every word you said.

    I'll help you polish this up later. For now, let me enjoy every word, mistake, and promise that lies in this piece.

    VivaAmorPaz~
    Suven
    | Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by Suven7 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    42538

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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