Description: I did a bunch of these, trying to decide which one to give my teacher at the end of the course. I'm wondering which elements work best, which one moved you more, if anything, or what doesn't work. If something made you snicker, I'll need to change that.
Composure slips.
You don’t know who you’re messing with.
The words shimmer
Like a California highway
Rich, salty, with metallic undertones.
“You don’t know what you’re messing with.”
It is a growl, tense between the teeth like a hard-boiled egg.
Rich and warm and clinging on the lips.
A motorcycle roars.
I hiss.
I feel long teeth, fine chilled skin.
Curving talons. Hot, salty.
It purrs and crackles
Rippling. Tight back shivers
Thighs fire. Cannons?
They thunder in my chest,
They shatter bronchi.
Blood that burns. I can feel it.
I love the dream.
It shivers through my teeth.
Composure slips.
You don’t know who you’re messing with.
The words shimmer
Like a California highway
Rich, salty, with metallic undertones.
“You don’t know what you’re messing with.”
It is a growl, tense between the teeth like a hard-boiled egg.
Rich and warm and clinging on the lips.
A motorcycle roars.
I hiss.
Road paint flutters from my back,
I rise on coils and cars scuttle as I quiver for the strike.
I love the dream. It shivers through my teeth.
Composure slips.
You don’t know who you’re messing with.
The words shimmer
Like a California highway
Rich, salty, with metallic undertones.
“You don’t know what you’re messing with.”
It is a growl, tense between the teeth like a hard-boiled egg.
Rich and warm and clinging on the lips.
A motorcycle roars.
I hiss.
I feel long teeth, fine chilled skin.
Curving talons. Hot, salty.
Vengeance shudders in my ribcage, splinters iron.
I can feel it. I love the dream.
It shivers through my teeth.
Jeez you want me to make a choice? Ok what I wonder is this. Is there a restriction on how long this poem has to be? Why you ask ? well let me tell you why, its like this I got so caught up in reading this one that I started thinking you should do three stanzas and use the first nine lines to begin each one, and dang I feel useless like I am failing you at this point its just that I like all of the lines you use I don’t want to have to chose any one over the other if it means losing some of them. Ok lets see if I can look at this logically (that does not always work for me) The words shimmer? and we eat them they do taste good. any way if you don’t want to do something with a lot or repetition how about something like this.
Composure slips. You don’t know who you’re messing with. I make your (the) world shimmer Like a California highway Rich, salty, with metallic undertones. “You don’t know what (who) you’re messing with.” a growl, tense between the teeth like a hard-boiled egg. Rich and warm and clinging on the lips. A motorcycle roars. I hiss. Road paint flutters from my back, I rise on coils and cars scuttle as I quiver for the strike. I sink long teeth, into fine chilled skin. Curving talons cling. Hot, salty. Vengeance shudders in my ribcage, splinters iron. I can feel it. I love the dream. It purrs and crackles Rippling. Tight back shivers Thighs fire. Cannonades ? They thunder in my chest, They shatter bronchi. Blood that burns. I can feel it. I love the dream. It shivers through my teeth. Composure slips.
I put those words in parentheses not because I necessarily prefer them just to indicate there are choices. to think about. But this is what I think I want you to incorporate all of your lines in the poem. and no I did not snicker at any of them I found this poem to be sinister yet sensuous kind of the feeling you get on a Harley at speeds in excess of a hundred miles an hour. Well I may or may not have been any help but I tried and I would be happy to come back and look at any revision you do. Dale.
"Road paint flutters from my back," seems a bit too fluttery for the general mood of the theme. Maybe you could do something with "black ichor", boiling oil, or something of that order.
For what it's worth, I favour the central piece. By fleshing out the highway imagery and the reactions of the cars, you give a setting to the strong character the first lines create, and a stronger sense of action. By comparison, the imagery of cool skin and long teeth is not as well connected = it jars me out of the emotion of the poem a bit...
And the emotion is expertly expressed. If the line about vengeance in the ribcage could be slung in just before the last line, I think the Mk. II is a head above the rest.
... Not that it matters now, of course. This being a year old and all.
Composure slips. You don’t know who you’re messing with. The words shimmer Like a California highway Rich, salty, with metallic undertones. “You don’t know what you’re messing with.” It is a growl, tense between the teeth like a hard-boiled egg. Rich and warm and clinging on the lips. A motorcycle roars. I hiss. I feel long teeth, fine chilled skin. Curving talons. Hot, salty. It purrs and crackles Rippling. Tight back shivers Thighs fire. Cannons? They thunder in my chest, They shatter bronchi. Blood that burns. I can feel it. I love the dream. It shivers through my teeth.
This was my favorite. Nothing about this made me sniker, but I am not in that big of a snikering mood considering I am like studying for finials. I kinda like d the hard boilded egg part. Don't really know hwy..
that reference to a hard boiled egg? that seems a little unmatched by everything else. you have a real gutty, rough poem here, and the only thing that i had a problem with was the hard boiled egg. that, and it was kind of off course, i couldn't tell what you were trying to drive at. it seems like an obscure dream if thats what it was. i don't really know. you had some really vivid and alive details, and imagry, but they weren't tied together. i think you should revise this, since you are going to turn it in. but i'm just a dumb jarhead anyway.
Well it gave me the idea you were walking down the highway in broad daylight but you were also a vampire? I don't know what the hell it means lol. I didn't like it too much, it made me snicker.
Submission Name: Monsters
