Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Calvarydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Exodus Night Sky
    Elite Ratio:    4.85 - 506/234/44
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1701
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 854



    Description:
       I don't know, when I re-read it I think is a vague way of expressing how I felt at that moment.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCalvarydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Here again solemly,
    it's been six months since the last time
    I've put my words into paper
    where they become less essential
    than the ones morbidly punishing
    my conscience.

    Delirium.. the cause for these words,
    words written with a torpid hand.
    Laying in a void house in a summer
    soltice when the day is eternal and
    imbues this body with desperation.

    Noone understands a tormented mind,
    but the ones with one
    but they cant help
    and neither can I.
    So now I shall part leaving behind
    and being an un-finished story
    discussing with myself to no reason,
    and believe it or not it helps
    and the heavy load had been liften from my head
    and I'm satisfied...
    until the load forms again.




    Submitted on 2005-01-17 18:31:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I'm really enjoying going through your works. Your writing style is very vivid, quick quesitons on this , why do you call it Calvary
    | Posted on 2005-09-30 00:00:00 | by SageContagious | [ Reply to This ]
      the opening lines so reminded me of confession... im completely obsessed with catholicism at the moment... ive been to three requiem masses in as many weeks and they have fascinated me and so perhaps its just on the brain and then you called this piece calvary (and yet i cannot quite find a tie to thei piece and the title but thats ok...) and the start is like "its been since months since my last confession..." i guess this whole piece is a confession of some sort... and perhaps the title being calvary is a kinda play that there is salvation in writing and a purification of the mind somehow.. a purging of thoughts and insanities... who knows...

    this write was very intricate... one really needs to pay attention to every word and thoughts and breath in this write else they will get completely lost and find nothing but words without meaning or connection... as it were i had to reread this a few times to find what i have thus far...

    personally i love the last stanza the most...

    Noone understands a tormented mind,
    but the ones with one
    but they cant help
    and neither can I

    the idea here is brilliant but i really think you could word it differently...
    ' but the ones with one' seems too wordy... too many 'ones' and 'but's kinda trip the idea over a lil...
    perhaps you could change it to

    Noone understands a tormented mind,
    except those with one
    but they cannot help
    and neither can I

    dunno... its just a thought... its fully your piece so the final say is yours...
    perhaps if you were to go through and add more punctuation it would make the write easier to follow... puncuate it how you would say it out loud with commas and pauses and all to create the ultimate effect (having said that i officially suck at punctuation so i cannot suggest anything really...)

    can you explain to me your ideas of the title and how it links to this piece...? its a very interesting idea for a name so im sure you have a reason for making it so...
    | Posted on 2005-08-31 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this was a nice poem, I saw some errors in it. Just some slight spelling errors and sentences that I think might be better if changed... I'll point them out if you don't mind.

    "Noone understands a tormented mind,
    but the ones with one"

    Hrmmm... I would put "only" instead of "but". It gives it a better sound, and doesn't mix in with the "but" underneath it.

    "So now I shall part leaving behind
    and being an un-finished story
    discussing with myself to no reason,
    and believe it or not it helps
    and the heavy load had been liften from my head
    and I'm satisfied...
    until the load forms again."

    You should put this in its own little separate verse, instead of sticking it with the other one. (I hope you understand what I'm saying.) It's throwing off the poem slightly. I don't know if you put it there accidentally, or purposefully. Also, on the third to the last line... I think you meant "lifted." ;)

    All in all, I did like this poem. :)

    -Segniust
    | Posted on 2005-06-26 00:00:00 | by Segniust | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah this is indeed a very very original write and
    I must say...you are right that only those with
    a tormented mind can begin to understand one.
    The imagery and the way you
    weaved these words, brought them to life
    and struck something in me. This is truly beautiful and moving.

    Love out...

    Wynne
    | Posted on 2005-02-16 00:00:00 | by Wynne Devereaux | [ Reply to This ]
      The sentiments are well expressed, yet I find no connection to the chosen title. It left me scratching my head, quite frankly.
    | Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      ooohhh..this is really really interesting! It comes across with lots of emotion, and you used some good imagery in there. Except for a small typo I think I saw, it was very well done as far as technicalities go. A very original write.
    Keep em coming!
    Have a good eveing..
    -shawnothan
    | Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by Shawnothan | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    42545

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry