Here again solemly,
it's been six months since the last time
I've put my words into paper
where they become less essential
than the ones morbidly punishing
Delirium.. the cause for these words,
words written with a torpid hand.
Laying in a void house in a summer
soltice when the day is eternal and
imbues this body with desperation.
Noone understands a tormented mind,
but the ones with one
but they cant help
and neither can I.
So now I shall part leaving behind
and being an un-finished story
discussing with myself to no reason,
and believe it or not it helps
and the heavy load had been liften from my head
and I'm satisfied...
until the load forms again.
the opening lines so reminded me of confession... im completely obsessed with catholicism at the moment... ive been to three requiem masses in as many weeks and they have fascinated me and so perhaps its just on the brain and then you called this piece calvary (and yet i cannot quite find a tie to thei piece and the title but thats ok...) and the start is like "its been since months since my last confession..." i guess this whole piece is a confession of some sort... and perhaps the title being calvary is a kinda play that there is salvation in writing and a purification of the mind somehow.. a purging of thoughts and insanities... who knows...
this write was very intricate... one really needs to pay attention to every word and thoughts and breath in this write else they will get completely lost and find nothing but words without meaning or connection... as it were i had to reread this a few times to find what i have thus far...
personally i love the last stanza the most...
Noone understands a tormented mind, but the ones with one but they cant help and neither can I
the idea here is brilliant but i really think you could word it differently... ' but the ones with one' seems too wordy... too many 'ones' and 'but's kinda trip the idea over a lil... perhaps you could change it to
Noone understands a tormented mind, except those with one but they cannot help and neither can I
dunno... its just a thought... its fully your piece so the final say is yours... perhaps if you were to go through and add more punctuation it would make the write easier to follow... puncuate it how you would say it out loud with commas and pauses and all to create the ultimate effect (having said that i officially suck at punctuation so i cannot suggest anything really...)
can you explain to me your ideas of the title and how it links to this piece...? its a very interesting idea for a name so im sure you have a reason for making it so...
I thought this was a nice poem, I saw some errors in it. Just some slight spelling errors and sentences that I think might be better if changed... I'll point them out if you don't mind.
"Noone understands a tormented mind, but the ones with one"
Hrmmm... I would put "only" instead of "but". It gives it a better sound, and doesn't mix in with the "but" underneath it.
"So now I shall part leaving behind and being an un-finished story discussing with myself to no reason, and believe it or not it helps and the heavy load had been liften from my head and I'm satisfied... until the load forms again."
You should put this in its own little separate verse, instead of sticking it with the other one. (I hope you understand what I'm saying.) It's throwing off the poem slightly. I don't know if you put it there accidentally, or purposefully. Also, on the third to the last line... I think you meant "lifted." ;)
Ah this is indeed a very very original write and I must say...you are right that only those with a tormented mind can begin to understand one. The imagery and the way you weaved these words, brought them to life and struck something in me. This is truly beautiful and moving.
ooohhh..this is really really interesting! It comes across with lots of emotion, and you used some good imagery in there. Except for a small typo I think I saw, it was very well done as far as technicalities go. A very original write. Keep em coming! Have a good eveing.. -shawnothan