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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: substatutiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: obsidiandreams
    Elite Ratio:    3.57 - 166/205/96
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 174
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 797



    Description:
       I'm sick of seeing people throw there live's away for prostitution and trying to get money, and thats the insperation for this poem, its one girls escape and a showing of how thing's may not be good , but beauty is in every place and every person around you


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotssubstatutiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    This is the devistation,
    the desacration,
    the substitution,
    for prostitution,
    lots of abuse,
    then,
    drop the muse,
    and take a minute to choose,
    then walk away,
    she'll live,
    to see another day,
    she made the choice,
    they herd her voice,
    strong and brital,
    tough but simple,
    blood and tears,
    wasted years,
    never thought,
    she'd get away,
    lived to see,
    her wedding day,
    now shes old and gray,
    todays her dieing day,
    they've pulled the plug,
    she sit's,
    inside the grave they've dug,
    buried with what she had,
    her pride in the fact,
    she beat the tide,
    before she died.




    Submitted on 2005-01-18 20:23:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      uh u lost me buddy, write it so people can understand and maybe i'll start to care, no offense this piece sucked the fat one, not only that, but you misspelled seven words including the title, duh! buh bye
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by Lazy Spleen | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting piece, althoug id suggest a few minor tweaks to perhaps strengthen it?Line five's 'lots' isnt a very strong word to counter 'abuse', perhaps use something different like 'countless abuses' or something. in line six it take out 'then' completely, this way the following 'then' sounds better because it isnt a repetition. 'herd' should be 'heard' i think, the final thing is the line 'todays her dieing day' I think dieing should be dying, but also you say that she is dead, so perhaps something like 'today she died' might make more sense. Let me know, and this is constructive critism not meanness for meanness' sake!
    ellisa
    | Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by ellisa | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice thing to come on in on. It would take a stronger person than me to either marry a prostitute, or i suspect, go from prostitution to marriage. In practice, nobody gives a trick a second thought - its that sort of lifestyle that offers all sorts of unwarranted assumptions. This poem is simple, it has spelling errors, and i was hoping from the title that it would be on something else. Just the same, and maybe because of the brandy, I really touched me. I'm not articulate enough right now to explain how.
    shard
    | Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. Another good one from you in one day.
    You have a talent for stating things very simply and making them powerful. As sad as this situation is, its also hopeful, a real testament to the human spirit. Great job.
    The Theologian
    | Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by The Theologian | [ Reply to This ]



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