Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Static Lines of Tomorrow

Author: Geremy Smith
ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171 /145 /23
Words: 168
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1359
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1147


This is basically describing times in your life where a new stage is approached and life is unsure..."Dear Amber life, you no longer watch over me..." A life of sweet childhood discarded to bring a life of actual reality where nothing truly watches over you. Comments are appreciated...

Static Lines of Tomorrow

So it came to this
But there was no other way
An hourglass thought
While honesty is up
We make mistakes I know
But I couldn't need you more

Trapped in dial tones
of a lost thought in motion
Massaging my faith
Obscured by seclusion and remembrance
When my iniquities were folded blindly

But would these be the words I say?
Myself, your face, and a door between
I can't seem to look past
these decisions that command me most
Every action we made controls us

I fled with clues
of a heart carved with nimble scissors
patterning an arrow aimed in hate
Strung on high tides
of unstable emotional resurrection

Thoughts and future threaten me
Praying I'm not the only one
forced to shame under controlled indecision
Eyes part in three ways
The new spade strung name

In short
for the merges of those I caught
slip my wrists to a downfall
because Dear Amber life,
You no longer watch over me.

Submitted on 2005-01-18 21:24:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  I think if I were choosing a title for this piece, it would be "Dear Amber Life". I see great ideas here, snippets of what your life is, like a collage of images. They are interlaced with deeper, intuitive and thoughtful phrases. Almost as though there are two voices talking in sequence. One is 18 years old, the other is 67! I think your voice as a poet is going to come as a blend of these two voices I see. You're very good, I notice it's these things, so keep writing.
| Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  Dear Amer life...? Explain. Please. I beg of you. This was an interesting was rather heart-rending if I say so myself. Made the reader feel a bit hollow inside if I dare venture towards that emotional direction. I known I did. I felt as if I lost a love all over again reading this. Hate that feeling...
| Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  Like the others who commented, I, too, am curious about what inspiration lies behind the phrase "Dear Amber life"... anyway, childhood innocence is one of my favourite themes to not just read on, but write on. But I liked the way you wrote it, it was a darker and less optimistic approach to the theme - instead of (what I would have probably done) describing how beautiful childhood innocence is, you kept your focus on the change that we all eventually go through - the modulation from childhood to the realisation of how the real world works. This stanza really got me:

I fled with clues
of a heart carved with nimble scissors
patterning an arrow aimed in hate.

Despite the first person use in writing this poem (which usually kind of gets me down, but doesn't in your poem), I really liked this poem and I thought it was beautifully written. I especially liked your choice of metaphors throughout the second and third stanzas - some writers may tend to get carried away with language style, but you managed to keep a decent level of it and yet still manage to portray the message excellently. I take my hat off to that.

You're one guy with undeniable talent in poetry, in my opinion! Do keep writing!
| Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by zhi wei | [ Reply to This ]
  I too am interested in how you came up with the amber life phrase. Though from your description and having read the piece I see it as your way of talking of the carefree ways of youth(I hope Im not totaly wrong). To me amber is a soft warm comforting color, such as the fond memories of youth. Days in which thngs seems easier, summers span decades in the eyes of the child. Every moment is one ot live in and the only thing worried about is will I miss my favorite cartoon. I really enjoyed this piece. you've got such a way with words my friend

"Trapped in dial tones
of a lost thought in motion
Massaging my faith
Obscured by seclusion and remembrance
When my iniquities were folded blindly"

That stanza floored me. I look at it and think of how life took me forward. To me when I read this piece I see it as we move along and grow older we get caught up in the "life of an adult" we get caught talking to faceless voices about places were told to go to make something of ourselves. And then we go there we spend countless $$$ learning how to live and work so they tell us. But in the corner of the mind if that pile of folded baby clothes and memories of cartoons that havent been on tv in years and summers on the beach with sand shovels and buckets. To me its those memories and how I want to provide memories like that to my children when I hve them, that keeps me going when I feel lost. ok Im done rambling, I need to ask what inspired you to write this? what is it you see when you go back and read it? My friend you have quite a voice here and at times when I read your work I would almost swear your older then me.-John
| Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
  Hm. Where did you get this phrase 'dear amber life?' Is there a girl named amber? Is that life frozen in time? Doesn't matter really. Just because what used to watch over you doesn't anymore doesn't logical mean that nothing else can. I'm not talking about god or such stuff, just raising a point. The figurative language is really nice - it wasthe first thing to pull me in.
| Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
  what i liked about this is the various ways in which in can be interpreted. it can be seen as a sad love poem of separation and growing apart, or something bigger changing in a persons life: a new path, a new door to be opened into a world where nothing is sure and certain anymore. very intriguing, and well done on protraying the instability of change and the doubts and fears running through the mind of a person undergoing such a change in life. that's what i got out of this poem, at least. an excellent job!
| Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by purple dinosaur | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?