Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Static Lines of Tomorrowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Geremy Smith
    ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171/145/23
    Words: 168
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1221
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1147



    Description:
        This is basically describing times in your life where a new stage is approached and life is unsure..."Dear Amber life, you no longer watch over me..." A life of sweet childhood discarded to bring a life of actual reality where nothing truly watches over you. Comments are appreciated...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStatic Lines of Tomorrowdots
    -------------------------------------------


    So it came to this
    But there was no other way
    An hourglass thought
    While honesty is up
    We make mistakes I know
    But I couldn't need you more

    Trapped in dial tones
    of a lost thought in motion
    Massaging my faith
    Obscured by seclusion and remembrance
    When my iniquities were folded blindly

    But would these be the words I say?
    Myself, your face, and a door between
    I can't seem to look past
    these decisions that command me most
    Every action we made controls us

    I fled with clues
    of a heart carved with nimble scissors
    patterning an arrow aimed in hate
    Strung on high tides
    of unstable emotional resurrection

    Thoughts and future threaten me
    Praying I'm not the only one
    forced to shame under controlled indecision
    Eyes part in three ways
    The new spade strung name

    In short
    for the merges of those I caught
    slip my wrists to a downfall
    because Dear Amber life,
    You no longer watch over me.




    Submitted on 2005-01-18 21:24:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think if I were choosing a title for this piece, it would be "Dear Amber Life". I see great ideas here, snippets of what your life is, like a collage of images. They are interlaced with deeper, intuitive and thoughtful phrases. Almost as though there are two voices talking in sequence. One is 18 years old, the other is 67! I think your voice as a poet is going to come as a blend of these two voices I see. You're very good, I notice it's these things, so keep writing.
    | Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Dear Amer life...? Explain. Please. I beg of you. This was an interesting piece..it was rather heart-rending if I say so myself. Made the reader feel a bit hollow inside if I dare venture towards that emotional direction. I known I did. I felt as if I lost a love all over again reading this. Hate that feeling...
    ~BCute
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      Like the others who commented, I, too, am curious about what inspiration lies behind the phrase "Dear Amber life"... anyway, childhood innocence is one of my favourite themes to not just read on, but write on. But I liked the way you wrote it, it was a darker and less optimistic approach to the theme - instead of (what I would have probably done) describing how beautiful childhood innocence is, you kept your focus on the change that we all eventually go through - the modulation from childhood to the realisation of how the real world works. This stanza really got me:

    I fled with clues
    of a heart carved with nimble scissors
    patterning an arrow aimed in hate.

    Despite the first person use in writing this poem (which usually kind of gets me down, but doesn't in your poem), I really liked this poem and I thought it was beautifully written. I especially liked your choice of metaphors throughout the second and third stanzas - some writers may tend to get carried away with language style, but you managed to keep a decent level of it and yet still manage to portray the message excellently. I take my hat off to that.

    You're one guy with undeniable talent in poetry, in my opinion! Do keep writing!
    | Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by zhi wei | [ Reply to This ]
      I too am interested in how you came up with the amber life phrase. Though from your description and having read the piece I see it as your way of talking of the carefree ways of youth(I hope Im not totaly wrong). To me amber is a soft warm comforting color, such as the fond memories of youth. Days in which thngs seems easier, summers span decades in the eyes of the child. Every moment is one ot live in and the only thing worried about is will I miss my favorite cartoon. I really enjoyed this piece. you've got such a way with words my friend

    "Trapped in dial tones
    of a lost thought in motion
    Massaging my faith
    Obscured by seclusion and remembrance
    When my iniquities were folded blindly"

    That stanza floored me. I look at it and think of how life took me forward. To me when I read this piece I see it as we move along and grow older we get caught up in the "life of an adult" we get caught talking to faceless voices about places were told to go to make something of ourselves. And then we go there we spend countless $$$ learning how to live and work so they tell us. But in the corner of the mind if that pile of folded baby clothes and memories of cartoons that havent been on tv in years and summers on the beach with sand shovels and buckets. To me its those memories and how I want to provide memories like that to my children when I hve them, that keeps me going when I feel lost. ok Im done rambling, I need to ask what inspired you to write this? what is it you see when you go back and read it? My friend you have quite a voice here and at times when I read your work I would almost swear your older then me.-John
    | Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm. Where did you get this phrase 'dear amber life?' Is there a girl named amber? Is that life frozen in time? Doesn't matter really. Just because what used to watch over you doesn't anymore doesn't logical mean that nothing else can. I'm not talking about god or such stuff, just raising a point. The figurative language is really nice - it wasthe first thing to pull me in.
    shard
    | Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
      what i liked about this is the various ways in which in can be interpreted. it can be seen as a sad love poem of separation and growing apart, or something bigger changing in a persons life: a new path, a new door to be opened into a world where nothing is sure and certain anymore. very intriguing, and well done on protraying the instability of change and the doubts and fears running through the mind of a person undergoing such a change in life. that's what i got out of this poem, at least. an excellent job!
    ~anabel
    | Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by purple dinosaur | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    42727

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry