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You...


Author: Archer
ASL Info:    17/female/Oregon
Elite Ratio:    4.82 - 118 /148 /53
Words: 126
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1322
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 705



Description:


sometimes when i write i can not make full sence of the words. i simply put the words in my heart down on paper or in this case on computer. and i just let it go get imput and rewrite it. tell me what you think try not to dwell too much on the spelling and such i know that they are not the best.
and if anyone coule tell me how to put a picture to a poem please tell me it would be greatly appreciated. thanks ;)


You...



Arms soft and safe
surround me.
loving eye's enfold me.
a passion, a pleasure i have never known
take controle of me.

i can not look in to your eyes and not tremble.
i can not touch your skin with out setting mine afire.
how is it you don't know ?
how is it you have not seen?
Are you blind to fate's call?
deft to love's wisper?
You are not so cold that you can not feel it,
and not so blind you can not see it.

When i look at you the whole world stops turning.
when i hear your voice tis the only one.
And when i am the night
You are my morning sun.




Submitted on 2005-01-19 16:03:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  well. you've got a special way of writing... i like this a lot. i know you said no spelling corrections but i have to say that the incorrect spelling does take away from such a nice poem, especially once you know they are there...so
control, deaf, whisper.
also..i hear
takes control of me
and the whole world stops turning sounds strange to me...
maybe use.. moving, spinning, instead.
and the next line where you say
when i hear your voice tis the only one.
i feel you need to go further here....
when i hear your voice the world goes silent.....
to tie in to th world stopping when you see him.

i like the last line but feel this gap between those two ideas.....the world stopping and his voice and then bam to you being the night. basically i feel this is a wonderful rough draft, i think there is much more you could say here, great words and phrasing, i especially like the first 9 lines.
CC
| Posted on 2005-05-18 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
  awwww! I love this writing. It is a very powerfull piece. You should definitely hold on to the person if you have found him. I am still lookin for mine. This will definitely be on my fav list!
| Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by ria_pixie | [ Reply to This ]
  good poem im not oen to like lovey dovey [censored] but i did like this one sumthing caught my attention ill keep my eye on u, good job
| Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ]
  I loved it and it is gonna go in my favs. Whoever this person is you better hold on to them tight cause there are hard as hell to find. Believe me I have tried and failed so miserably. Hope you find happines with them. Loved it. Loved it. Loved it.
| Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by ForsakenAngel | [ Reply to This ]
  well i thot it w3as nice. it did sound alot like most longing poems on this site - the coolest thing was the eyes enfolding you. Good deal.
shard
| Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
  u hit passion right on the nail! The compare and contrast feel you got going on is very effective...

i can not touch your skin with out setting mine afire.
...
You are not so cold that you can not feel it,

for surely one cannot be so cold that they cannot feel how much on fire they make one feel. i love this.
Although this was a very well written poem, the ending did not seem to fit what you introduced in the beginning and developed in the body...

And when i am the night
You are my morning sun

this is such a distant comparison of nature that you have chosen to describe a strong passion that is described earlier in the poem as desiring, entrancing and romantic...but with the night and day comparison, it doesn't quite fit the previous foundation you have set, for it cannot be day while it is night, nor night while it is day. it doesn't quite finalize and reinforce the passion you have written about.
i know you stated not to dwell on the spelling but i'm just going to make one comment. spelling errors can be distractions, especially to those who love to truly analyze a poem. so if you are aiming for the best of the comments out there, a little work on spelling would definitely get you that muc h further.
but this was an excellent write, i enjoyed it in it's entirety!
| Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by Tinasha | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, it sounded just like every other longing poem, it was exactly the same and just as fruitless and it would have been good except every other poet has done the exact same thing.
| Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by wordslinger | [ Reply to This ]


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