Rainbows Of Your Love(Re-sub) by TeddyD

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Submission Name: Rainbows Of Your Love(Re-sub) dots

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Author:	TeddyD
ASL Info:	44/M/MN
Elite Ratio:	2.58 - 83/121/28
Words:	154

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	204
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	940

Description:
Latest write....

Rainbows Of Your Love(Re-sub) dots

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Rainbows of Your Love

My loving heart is ablaze for you,
Like a festive roman candle bright
Shooting plumes of love from me to you,
Capturing emotional colors

Unable to utter a single word,
I absorb your abounding presence
Lost in reverence of your beauty,
Kept in trance by your loving essence

I give my heart for you to embrace,
In the splendor of your tender soul
Where rainbows of your love protect me,
And all harm and strife can take no toll

Your acceptance of will set me free,
To be all I can for you My Dove
I’m no longer in the dark abyss,
But in the lavishness of your love

Yes on a summer day you found me,
And turned the darkest skies to bright,
With the brilliance of your dazzling smile
So deep in you I feel love’s pure light

Submitted on 2005-01-20 18:44:48 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  First thing I would do here is change your opening line a bit. You have some great things going on in the stanza but the opening sounds a bit clichéd. Try "ablaze" instead of "on fire". It has a catchier sound and give you an immediate image.
The last line of that quatrain sounds stilted. Try "Capuring emotional colors" It keeps the nine beat phrasing and connects the lines smoothely. Watch trying to create metered lines, so that you are not forcing the meaning but not being gramatical.
Line 3 stanza 3 is also a bit of a problem, but you can't change it much because it's the pivital line for the title. The problem is that the reflexive pronounr (it) is too far from the noun it modifies. In other words it sounds like it is the tender soul not your heart. There are a couple of ways too change it but they may change the meaning/image slightly.
The last line feel needs to be felt as the rest of the stanza is in the past tense.
I didn't read this before but I think these few suggestions may polish it up a bit.
jan
| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
  i thought i would take you up on reading rainbows this is a really good write lots of emotion if this is for someone special i hope they appreciate your thought keep writing as i will keep reading
thanx sandman
| Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
  The third stanza looks fixed despite you not understanding what I meant. Looks like the edit took care of the problem.
Look at the first line of stanza four though. It doesn't stand on it's own anymore...you have a preposition with no object. perhaps change "will" to "flaws" it changes the verb tense but not the meter or meaning.
The last line is still out of tense from the rest of it's stanza, but there is not a good way to change that one since changing feels to felt will make it seem like the person is gone and i really think this is an ode to the love in your life now. On a whole it reads much better.
jan
ps please forgive any missing letters..I use a remote keyboard.
| Posted on 2005-02-02 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]

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