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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Napalm staredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Josh
    ASL Info:    17/nh
    Elite Ratio:    5.61 - 276/226/30
    Words: 211
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 329
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1289



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNapalm staredots
    -------------------------------------------


    Like any other night, the stars spread
    thin like a starving childs skin,
    His gently matted hair covers his young eyes
    but his eroded face tells of another, more burdened age.
    Rotten flannel and long hair cover his back but not the napalm in his stare
    Burn bright the dark night,
    let it warm even the
    coldest of hearts
    to dig deep in their leather wallets.
    He sits up in a buddha like trance,
    like when one awakens earlier than expected, to find a house still asleep and the silence unbroken.
    He expects a cool night,
    so he mumbles to the sky
    He lies down,
    and rolls this way,
    back, then
    over again
    mimicing the farm hills from where he came from
    he himself has come empty, the quilt
    heaped over his body
    His nitroglycerin smile serves as a reminder
    Days of transcendence make a stillness in the dark
    erratic air of his mind
    Yet If you look close, you can catch flickers of steam and spark hustle and dive in his short breaths.

    His voice speaks harsh, but his tender head
    Human and numb
    Filled with thoughts of tomorrow, he finds sleep is the best meditation.







    Submitted on 2005-01-20 18:55:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Didn't quite undestand what your poem was about. Have the young man's eyes been destroyed by napalm? Has he simply seen the horror of napalm? Is it about something else? I think your poem would work better, if this crucuial fact were clarified in gthe first verse.
    Assuming it's the second of these option and you are writing about a shell-shocked your soldier, then I can warm to your poem. It has an empathetic feel to it and some powerful images. You need to simply this line:"mimicing the farm hills from where he came from". You don't need both "froms" and you hardly need the "where".
    It sounds quite good as:
    Mimicking the farm hills he came from.
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      the hills of untamed africa, at sunset, void of men or beasts, with the quiet murmuring of insects, singing to the dying sun - and that's what this reminds me of, though i can't say why. it's been a good night for poetry because everything i've read has been great, but this - this i want to wrap up like a molten rock in kevlar, warm and cooling in my pocket, a piece of life unmade and molding to my desires. the description is open enough so that the reader is allowed to draw their own conclusion but is guided expertly by a little felt hand, gently urging a specific color into the paintbrush i can feel myself pick up as i read this. the word choice is excellent, although it's been so long since i've seen some of these words that i questioned their spelling at first. definitely a fave, thanks for sharing this one. =]

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      Its been a long time since I read your work! you've written alot, and I have alot to catch up on. Crazy. Anyways. About the writing.
    Like always, its beautiful. You have such a talent with words. I'm alittle unclear on a few things though, how old is he? Why is he outside? I didnt know if he was homeless or poor or what not. I loved the story though, I'm sure it could apply to many situations. It was so descriptive.
    -Andrya
    | Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by andrya | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a really calm piece for me to read. I enjoyed how you conveyed a story type theme into a poem. I mean yes I have seen it before but this one was really enjoyable. Such description on the character you used in the poem, it was really great and minding catching as well as catching the eye.

    Keep it up...nice job.

    -Geremy-
    | Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by Geremy Smith | [ Reply to This ]



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