Self Control by Chi-Town Rose

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Submission Name: Self Control dots

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Author:	Chi-Town Rose
ASL Info:	19/F/Chicago (U.S)
Elite Ratio:	5.05 - 179/180/35
Words:	176

Class/Type:	Poetry/Being a Teen
Total Views:	249
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1097

Description:
Tell me what u thing 4 real.

Self Control dots

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Everyone seems to know
Who I am
While I’m not even sure
That I know myself.
I am told what to do,
What to believe,
And who to be,
So when do I have the chance
To create the person
I want to be?
No one cares
About my feelings
If they don’t make sense
If they don’t coincide
With the way
My master thinks.
It seems as if everyone else
Rules my life
And decides
The fate of my future,
With ill regard
To the fact
That in the end
I’m the only one
Who has to walk my path.
When does this constant
Power struggle cease to exist?
Does it continue on
Until the end of my days?
I guess the truth is:
Behind every person
Who tries to control someone else
There is someone in the world
Who is equally controlling them
So in the end
No one has control over anything
Especially not themselves
Who is controlling you?

Submitted on 2005-01-21 10:07:25 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Life is such a power struggle isn't it? The incidents stack up, and the problems don't lose count with age, but your understanding makes it alittle easier as you get older. Unfortunately one of the things you'll learn if you havn't already is, not everyone is out to get you, but many of them are. Not to cause harm, but to aquire something from you.
Your companionship, your money, anything you can offer will always be sought after by many of those around you. That is why it is so important to realize the ones that really do mean something to you

From the way you write though, I can tell that you're really bright, and you don't need lectures from ol coots like me.

-Ishoes
| Posted on 2005-09-18 00:00:00 | by iShoes | [ Reply to This ]
  this made me smile and remember when i felt exactly like that. i thought that everyone was against or out to get me. Ha ha. I liked how you emphasized your point of feeling submissive by using "master" "rules my life" and "fate of my future". these made the poem stronger and also made it have more meaning and impact. nice job.

xox stef
| Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by stefanie mae | [ Reply to This ]
  everyone has already said everything I could say about revision-and it's good advice...

I just have a little bit to say about the message... you're right. No one, not even the hermit on the mountain can say that he/she is not influenced by other people-and influence is the mildest form of control.

I like your ending:
'Who is controlling you?'

it made me think, and I love that.
I like the way you think, look forward to seeing more...

~be easy
| Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]
  I want to start off bby saying that commetns with constructive critism can be hard to take, but if you listen to them the poetry you produce will improve at an exceptional rate. With that said here are a few suggestions:

Everyone seems to know
Who I am
While I’m not even sure
That I know myself.

these four lines, are classic lines, meaning they have been used over and over again, and are not origonal, I love the idea, and can relate to it, but try to state it through metafors or a different less known group of words.

You began to talk about how in life your not aloud an origonal thought, I can ralate to this, but one suggestion would be to take this idea and instead of throwing emotions and words out of it, hide the meaning in an objector something along those lines.

I think the ending is great though a little repetaivie, but i like the meaning, trying condensing it and being more precise, but other than that you have great ideas and a start of an amazing writing peice. Let me know if you revise it, because I would love to read it.
thanks for the post.
much love
kaity
| Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by Kaitylizzy | [ Reply to This ]
  The poems structure makes it difficult for the reader to get the message in a clear, easy to read way. Try working on rhthmn and splitting lines for a reason, so that the next line begins on an important or unexpected word.

You have this:
Does it continue on
Until the end of my days?

the 'on' makes the lines sound a little clumsy. you could perhaps say:

Does it continue
on
Until the end of my days?

or even take it out:
Does it continue
Until the end of my days?

The kind of style you have gone for is a modern one, so words which are not needed stick out, you need to make sure that the words you choose matter, and that you need them included. another example of this is:

While I’m not even sure
That I know myself

the word 'that' is very pronounced as it is the first on this line, this draws the readers attention to the fact that it perhaps could do without,

While I’m not even sure
I know myself

might work better, notice how leaving 'i know myself' on its own makes us think about how contrasting those isolated words are to the message, this adds little interesting quirks which make poems, i find, better to read. These are just a few ideas, all in all the poem has potential and i think that you possibly like the same style of poetry as i do. I hope you take this critique as constructive, and look forward to hearing from you
ellisa :)
| Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by ellisa | [ Reply to This ]
  well, the first thing that i saw was that this was one long poem, at least it seemed that way.

a suggestion, try separating this into stanzas. it would make it easier on the eyes. you could do this by inserting an extra line at each new idea you come to in this poem, or perhaps just whenever you feel like it's needed, but just to make this easier on the reader's eyes, and to help them not to lose their place (as is easy with this format)...

this piece seems to be a spoken one as well. i read this aloud, and was able to feel the energy encapsulated during the write. spectacular...

i was wondering...was this originally a prose piece before you posted this, or just a poem, because just by the constant question-plea format, it could be placed into a prose format.

i wished there was a bit more figurative language/metaphor, but that's just my preference, pay no mind .

the piece as a whole contains a simple, yet complicated message. simple in the fact of its understanding, but while reading, after answering the questions you posed, you soon realize that there are so many more facets to that method of control you're held by in life, yet are unaware of, that the final question, when you attempt to answer it, is just...there are no words.

you are sitting there, staring at a loss . a truly great piece, and i look forward to hearing more of your poetry.

-loquacious mind
| Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]

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