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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Spring in Florencedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 113
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1343
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 777



    Description:
       I'm not sure what you'd call this; it's certainly about love and committment, but it isn't really a love poem as such. As I am wont to do it has a specific setting- Florence (the capital of the Italian province of Tuscany). Every year in spring thousands of couples descend upon the city to enjoy the sights and propose marriage, so I've used the metaphor of Florence for being in love and used the image of these people as swans throughout.

    The River Arno is the river that passes through Florence and much of Tuscany, while Michelangelo and Raphael are famous Italian artists whose works adorn the city.

    Any comments and thoughts would be appreciated, especially a new title.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSpring in Florencedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Like swans in spring, they flew to
    the bridges of Florence to woo
    and be won on the dusky waters
    of the River Arno. Adrift
    in the city, the lovers find
    the delights of Michelangelo,
    Raphael and musty hotel sheets.
    They swim into a constellation
    of vineyards and olive groves; a
    feast of ripened flesh consumed
    in the ardent Florentine sun.

    But time is short; the Tuscan day
    wanes to dusk and love’s drunken stupor
    fades with the scent of those olive
    ponds. They propose to nest under
    Tuscany’s azure canopy,
    always picking pungent olives
    silhouetted upon the River.
    But rent in Florence is dear; they
    stretch downy wings and glide away.




    Submitted on 2005-01-22 02:30:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I clicked on this poem because I have a deep love for Florence and all that that city-state symbolized when it was one of the leading centres of the Renaissance - Michelangelo and Raphael being the well-known artists they are today, under the patronage of the powerful Medici family, weren't they? That's just from memory so correct me if I'm wrong.

    Slight nitpicks:
    'They swim into a constellation
    of vineyards and olive groves;'
    - to -
    'They swim (in) a constellation
    of vineyards and olive groves;'
    - I think that 'into' was one sylllable too many and threw the cadence off. That could be just how I'm reading it though.

    Same with these lines -
    'They propose to nest under
    Tuscany’s azure canopy,'
    - perhaps invert the syntax to make this sound smoother? To something like -
    'They propose to nest under
    the azure canopy of Tuscany,'
    - or maybe it's because you already have the word 'Tuscan' at the start of that strophe, or it could just be that 'Tuscany' is overlong syllabically... it's a bit of repetition, so maybe delete 'Tuscany'? Just a thought. How about something simple like -
    'They propose to nest under
    (the city's) azure canopy,
    - just a suggestion.

    As this poem stands, it's very evocative and serene. Yes, it's a place I definitely want to visit, along with Venice and Rome - for the art, the architecture, and the food and wine on offer of course.

    Yup. Nice one.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Mmmm... very dreamy and romantic - this piece makes you sound like a true renaissance man. Its really hard to get this style just right and still make it engrossing, but you do it admirably. Well done sirrah, and thanks for adding my story to your favourites, tis appreciated.
    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by Von Django | [ Reply to This ]
      Well that was very interesting! I am not really sure if I have read any of your poem before but I think I might read more in the future and also look out for your new posts because they deserve being commented on, and now about the poem itself that I thought it was a very interesting poem indeed, I mean the subject or the idea of the poem itself is very well chosen and very well presented, I really liked the main theme of the poem and the main image created that really captures the attention of the reader (it captured mine).

    First I want to talk about the tittle "Spring in Florence" as you said in your describtion before the poem -which was a very good description by the way- that you need suggestions for the tittle, but I think the tittle is a very good one and tottally suits the main theme of the poem, and I can't think of a better tittle that suits the poem like the one that already exists!

    I liked the way you kept describing "The Spring in Florenece" along the poem which makes the reader imagine the whole thing as he / she is there living those beautiful amazing moments in Italy.

    About the flow and the rhyme, I think it was good too and doesn't seem forced at all except in the first two lines
    "Like swans in spring, they flew to
    The bridges of Florence to woo", I mean there is "flew" and then "to" in the first line and there is "to" and "woo" in the second line! I don't know but I just couldn't get it!

    I really liked the second stanza much more than the first one and that is a good thing because I think it is always better to end your poem stronger than you started it or at least as strong as you started it, like I said I liked the second stanza specially the part that says

    "But time is short; the Tuscan day
    Wanes to dusk and love’s drunken stupor
    Fades with the scent of those olive
    Ponds. They propose to nest under
    Tuscany’s azure canopy"

    You succeeded in creating a very beautiful emotional image in those few lines, and also the ending of the poem "the finale" was very good too

    "But Florence is dear; they open
    Their youthful wings and glide away"

    Good choice of words that suits the atmosphere of the poem and totally convenient to the way the poem is written.

    By the way while reading this poem all I was thinking about was "Sandra Bullock" in "While you were sleeping"!

    Anyway I hope that my comment was somehow helpful to you and I'll end my comment by saying Good job and keep it up.

    P.S I think this is no"Misc" poem, I thing it is either a "Romance" or "Passion" poem and I think it is "Romance"!
    | Posted on 2005-02-05 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
      very virtual journalistique. I really liked the forward story telling structure of this. With underlying tones that hint at deeper meaning, it really does draw you in to read at least a couple times over. I agree with Learah about the caps at the beginning of the lines although I would not have put it quite so arrogantly.

    Nice job man. This was very enjoyable to read.


    peace,
    mister fizzle
    | Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed reading this, because I have been proposed to in Italy below the warm sun and with the whiff of begonias... granted I was in Venice and it was July, but your words were well-ordered and poignant, and brought me back there again :)

    It's very descriptive. I like that you want to bring your reader to Tuscany, with the scents and sights, the feelings. Of sunlight and bedsheets and Old Masters.

    This really is marvellously well written and drew me straight in. However I am sorely disappointed that you crafted this piece with such an eye for detail, utilising canny enjambment, just to begin each line with the horrid capital letter... we only capitalise the first letter of a sentence. When each line begins with uppercase, it lends a very amateurish feel to a piece, and the flow becomes much more stop/start.
    I think if you were to look more carefuly at the structure, this popem would be breathtaking.
    | Posted on 2005-01-26 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      very beautiful. makes me miss Italy! i've been on a bridge such as you speak in Florence. i've seen Michaelangelo's Pieta and Moses and other fine works of art... this poem set a mood and tone that is very romantic and very Italia! well done! now i must go and look again at my pictures from my trip to Italy! ciao, bela!

    sweet.
    | Posted on 2005-01-22 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Torna a Surrento, non farmi morir!

    Nah, it just reminded me of that, especially with the Italian setting. I LOVE, and I must stress that, LOVE how you were able to work in the description of the place...it made me feel like I was there, and watching it like a movie. Awesome, totally and utterly awesome. If anyone ever needs proof that a picture isn't worth 1000 words, because less than 1000 words can paint a picture more beautiful than any artist could ever conceive of, this is that proof.

    I am honoured to be able to put this into my favourites. It's just so...beautiful.
    | Posted on 2005-01-22 00:00:00 | by Spire | [ Reply to This ]


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