the fearsome f sharp by one who rages

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Submission Name: the fearsome f sharp dots

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Author:	one who rages
ASL Info:	20 m desmoines iowa
Elite Ratio:	5.22 - 34/38/15
Words:	91

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	311
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	559

Description:
i wrote this piece while i was in sitting in my music theory class and i was watching a girl play cromatic scales on her flute

i might make it into a series

the fearsome f sharp dots

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flute enrage
anger piccalo
ive listened to your cries
be you nice, once or twice, then you bound to scream

its all in how you play your cord
so be kind in how its done

watch your note
please be careful

i pray you not to use your music as a weapon

fury fury malice hate! shatter to the glass!
shock wave here it comes

a damage from the violent key change

judging public; wrath be upon you from the fearsome f sharp.....

Submitted on 2005-01-22 15:05:27 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  "The fearsome F sharp," very catchy title and made me think for a moment before I actually clicked to read this one. I had the idea it would be something along the line of music, but I expected nothing like what I had read.

Making this into a series might actually prove ot be very interesting to me at least. The thought of a flute having fury was rather new to me because most of the time you picture a flute to be something peaceful and calm, along the lines of relaxation not along the lines of anger, fire, and fury. But this different approach was very refreshing, and the whole idea of the poem was overly refreshing in a manner that kept my interest all the way through.

fury fury malice hate! shatter to the glass!
shock wave here it comes

One thing though was the line "Shock wave here it comes," didn't seem tof it exactly. When I read this it felt like I was choking just trying to make it all fit. Because you read the line before it and it sort of has this sing song attitude and you are left expecting a rhyme to fill the void. Well you obviously didn't place the second line to rhyme which caused me to stumble and it felt as though it was an unecessary bump in this rather smooth road of a poem. Perhaps maybe you put that there for variation or maybe for lack of better words? I'm not exactly sure, but maybe it could be replaced with something a bit different? I'll leave this up to you just a bit of advice on it was all nothing too major.

Besides this as I have started out explaining, I truly enjoyed this piece and thought it was rather clever in many various areas. Great job and do keep it up.

-Geremy-
| Posted on 2005-01-24 00:00:00 | by Geremy Smith | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought that was kind of funny, but also not at the same time. It is very true, that you need to be careful with pitch and stuff...

You want advice..Well, I think you should make the lines more even in syllables, it will flow better.

| Posted on 2005-01-22 00:00:00 | by unclear-fantasy | [ Reply to This ]
  Just satated to play the piano, a little late to be starting to learn, but it is something i have always wanted to do. This poem stiikes me as humerous only because my playing probably sounds like a machine gun against the world, or as you put a violent weapon. Speaking of that line I really enjoyed that analogy, great description and word choice. Anyways I think that others touched enough on slight improvements that could be made, so i won't hammer them into you, anyways great write, and thanks for the post.
much love
kaity
| Posted on 2005-01-22 00:00:00 | by Kaitylizzy | [ Reply to This ]
  being a musician, i can certainly understand the fearsome f sharp. what a chord! can't say i ever use it.

this read like a wild, staccato rhythm to me. i can hear that piercing sound that could shatter glass.

well done. (i think it's spelled piccolo)
| Posted on 2005-01-22 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  This piece was very interesting. I can just hear someone playing this piece. . . quiet and subdued, modestly played at first. . . and then all of the sudden, CRASH CRASH CRASH THUNDER LIGHTNING FIGHTING DYING WRENCHING CLAWING. . . just the entire range of human emotions, playing out on a musical instrument.

I think, however, that this could use a few touch-ups. Just to make it really stand out.

flute enrage
anger piccalo
I've listened to your cries
be you nice, once or twice, then you bound to scream

it's all in how you play your chord
so be kind in how it's done

watch your note
please - be careful

I pray you not to use your music as a weapon

fury fury malice hate! shatter the glass!
shock wave, here it comes. . .

a damage from the violent key change!

judging public; wrath be upon you from the fearsome f sharp. . . .

Very good write though. You probably hate me now for changing it up and stuff, but hopefully this can help you. Thanks for sharing!

-Secret
| Posted on 2005-01-22 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]

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