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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Patternsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jester_Gesture
    ASL Info:    23/f
    Elite Ratio:    3.41 - 365/459/201
    Words: 186
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 639
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1142



    Description:
       This was written in reply to Whisler's emo-ness. The boy seriously needs to grow up.

    The sad part about this poem.... I wrote it down on SYGRID [my youth group's website] and something killed it. So I had to rewrite the entire thing from memory. It's probably out of order. Oh well. Tell me whatcha thinks.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPatternsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    From what's been said,
    I've left behind
    the things no better done.
    Not with sunny smiles,
    rainy kisses,
    or the fearful run.
    I'm giving up pride,
    giving up you,
    giving up on how
    I can't give up and
    do what I need to do.
    I've gotten off your train
    on it's one way track.
    Stepped into my own life
    and forgotten to look back.
    Take a bite of your future,
    does it not taste bitter?
    With your foot in your mouth,
    the countless disgusting grudges
    you won't let out.
    The old patterns and numbers
    we made without thought.
    Those that you hold inside your pocket,
    the things that I've purposely lost.
    You just couldn't manage
    to live without the pain.
    Always sweeping dust in circles,
    drying your tears in the rain.
    You keep the old things
    you would do better to forget.
    I'm giving up,
    letting go,
    but you're still
    getting wet.




    Submitted on 2005-01-23 12:41:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I thinks it's great, I lose crap all the time and have to rewrite it, [censored] happens. I think the [censored] turns out better when you have to rewrite it. Any who's eyeball, I think it's an awesome poem. I really like the line that says, "drying your tears in the rain". Of course I have no idea what the poem means to you since I didn't live your life but I think that drying your tears in the rain is the only way to feel that they have washed away, and you may still be getting wet but the rain drops hitting your face are far cleaner than the tears that fall from your soul. Sorry I drift into my own mind a lot, a lot, so yeah I think the meaning is great the way it is since it's your meaning and not mine it's better anyway, but yeah it's great.
    I'm not in my philosopher mode tonight so yeah, you catch my drift. What so, OK, catch ya l8r.
    | Posted on 2005-10-09 00:00:00 | by alittlebithippy | [ Reply to This ]
      I like “the old patterns and numbers we made without thought. Those that you hold inside your pocket, the things that I’ve purposely lost.” Evocative metaphor of keepsake tickets and inappropriate phone numbers hung on to for bad habits and lazy oversights in a relationship gone stale. Everything in that second half speaks strongly of a determination to move on, when the ex is locked in to self-imposed sadness.

    It’s a shame that “or the fearful run” seems a little contrived for the rhyme, although I can get a vague idea of how the sense of it could fit in - it’s a little early in the poem to have a “is this just for the rhyme?” jolt. “it’s one way track” should be “its one way...” but this could be a bit of a cliché anyway. I reckon the reason why those kind of pernickety details matter is you don’t want your reader thinking about them rather than what the poem is saying.

    The imagery and direct uncomplicated language puts forward a strong message and I also really like the shape. I enjoyed “Patterns” a lot. juanita
    | Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by juanita | [ Reply to This ]
      That is awesome, totally awesome Katie!!! I love your writing. I liked the style a lot a lot. I loved the way you expressed everything. I really liked it overall and now I am just trying to fill up space in the comment box. See ya tomorrow!
    | Posted on 2005-01-26 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      I LOVED THIS PIECE THE STYLE IS UNIQUE AND REFRESHING. "I LEFT BEHIND THE THINGS NO BETTER DONE'' I REALLY LOVES THAT LINE. ITS NOT ONE THAT MOST WOULD NOTICE AS A LINE THAT STANDS OUT OR MEANS MUCH TO THE POEM BUT IT DOES IT HAS WONDERFUL THOUGHT IN IT GOOD WORK
    | Posted on 2005-01-25 00:00:00 | by gypsy83 | [ Reply to This ]
      i especially liked these lines

    Not with sunny smiles,
    rainy kisses,
    or the fearful run.

    i like the way that you give a feeling to the action that your doing. this is one of my fav poems and it is a really flowing piece good write
    | Posted on 2005-01-23 00:00:00 | by rach_me | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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