ok lets see here, right away black velvet eyes. I do like the velvet. velvet being soft and pleasing to the touch yet one wouldn’t touch the eyes so I’m left with soft and pleasing. mirrors the sea of stars. the sea is another description I like in this case I would think deep and bountiful, for the eyes as one writer has taught me, something I will never forget: it is very important to include eyes in a write about love, the difference I see here it is not love attained more or less love lost. still when professing love, I can understand the need to include the eyes. I see a couple nice alliterations here too.
in stanza two the description is top notch. the strong chin, light lips, the color and scent of blush wine. remarkable and from most of what I read on its own truly original in my opinion. the only set back to what I have said it this: I haven’t had that much exposure to any outside poetic works than other than this site so consider that. I thought I would be fair and give you that thought.
the rest still has that beauty but in a different way. I like the battle, warrior and gladiator references. also the other character reference of the more gentle side of the person. 7th stanza I would take out “thy” it just seems a tad pretense unless someone needs to rhyme, I wouldn’t use just one word of middle or old English, just to try to make a poem more beautiful. just a personal opinion, you can always tell me to shove it. you are the writer and if you like it that is all that counts. anyhow I think your language usage is lovely without those words. also in the 7th stanza the line last I love “praying to all known gods” that is excellent. in the 8th stanza in line four you knocked my boots off with “My thunder struck realization” usually someone would use lightening but you used thunder, a loud crashing reverberating sound that can scare the crap out of people and that is wonderful. as for the context and my feeling it is quite sad to have this love lost, people want so badly to just love someone it hurt to give that love in that capacity that they measure out. to not have it returned that makes love at times such a tragedy.
yet within this is a mystery of sorts cause it is hard for me to tell with absolute accuracy whether it is love that is lost and gone or if it is love that is lost within the confines of a relationship. perhaps you can tell me which it is.
overall I think this is beautifully written. some parts I could not grasp but that could be my own shortcomings. I think this is one heck of a write you have made here. excellent job,
I loved the vast majority of it. When people use rusty words like 'reminiscent' and 'physique' it proves a level of intelligence most of the people I know will never attain, occasionally myself included. Still, the non-happy ending has brought a near-tear to my eye. But that is just something I like. Not everyone sees things my way. Of course. ^_^ It was quite pretty. Please continue writing!
Very good, so why the hell didn't you want me to read this. This is really great. Dude, you stuck to a form. Im proud of you. So who be it about? I have to ask, you know that. I'll pick you up in the morning.
This was good Jess. I highly enjoyed reading it. yeah... I've got nothing else to say really, yeah. Flamingo??? Damn this needs to be longer still. You should get that thingy downloaded you slacker. Oh and also I'm gonna make a really kick ass mix cd so if you want any specific songs on it tell me and I'll download them.
Wow, good write Jess. Not gonna guess if or who this is. It is definately strong and, uhm, well, I think that is all I've got to say, I wish there was more, but I really don't know. Love yaz.
Submission Name: lost love
