Vampire by Dana

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Submission Name: Vampire dots

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Author:	Dana
ASL Info:	23/F/Dreamland
Elite Ratio:	3.98 - 79/87/26
Words:	338

Class/Type:	Poetry/Gothic
Total Views:	422
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	2002

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Vampire

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I got lost in Northern valley of dreams
In the dark hour, Hell after midnight
Mysterious place where He has built his empire
Once more I could hold his soul so tight
Shake of hands was lost and stolen
By gracious manner of one special vampire
His adorable lips on my fatal hand
Pink feathers and rose petals expand
Every my cell can feel this gentle touch
His pale skin like mild sandpaper
Is dancing tango on my tender hand
His dark messy hair so close to my skin
Falling slowly along his scarred neck
He is like a magnetic phenomenon
The closer I get the more I realize
There’s no escape, no way back
One touch and I’m close to stick
His attract ability is my crack and
I’m lost in eternity of his glamour
His polite manner makes me stand
And listen to the horror of his life
I can still see the sea of melancholy
In his mysterious eyes, so magnificent blue
With white pearls of tears that are so rife.
He doesn’t need to say a word I can read
His eyes and lips like book of goth’n’roll
His majesty welcomes to discover, to enter
The gothic church of his empathy and soul
His enduring grace takes my heart
To the mental trip, into its cold embrace
When our eyes meet, there’s magical ray
Between the souls of our flashing grace
I’ll bosom this story in the blanket of that night
His empire that he has built will never break down!
When I look at the moon and the stars in the sky
I remember the illumination of his lovely eyes
The longing is too real, his scent is buried within me
I feel the way it flies hunting me each night
Midnight sounds like a dark melody for me
It leads me to the island of hopes and dreams
All I see is a picture of you,
My mister Vampire King of Hell!

© by DANA 2004

Submitted on 2005-01-24 09:32:21 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I love this! So darkly romantic and beautiful. Like taateli said, the Vampire you speak of reminds me of Lestat. In the 9th line did you mean, every one of my cells? The 18th line confused me a bit. None the less, this is a wonderful write! I could imagine a hypnotic nocturne being played as I read this.I must admit the flow was not constant, yet, in my opinion that did not detract from the full effect of the poem. I am usually not very fond of free formed poems, especially with lines as long as these. But no matter, I love this one! I am reading 'Queen of the Damned' by Anne Rice right now so Lestat is fresh in my mind. That is perhaps what sprung his image into my thoughtwaves. I can't help but say it once more, This is wonderful!
| Posted on 2005-06-29 00:00:00 | by Poechick13 | [ Reply to This ]
  hi sweetie:> oh, this one is really a beautiful poem. while reading it i got a strong image in my head of lestat, and when you started talking about goth'n'roll, i couldn't help but think about jyrkie69:D

the very first lines were catchy, they really got me sucked into this world of vampires. i could see in my mind very clearly the places and the vampire you're talking about in the poem, you are very good at descriping things. it was very much a story-like thing, which i liked.

the only thing in the poem that disturped me a bit was the flowing. i thought it could have been a little better, at times it somehow seemed a bit forced. the title of the poem could've been more catchy, but then again this one really tells what it's about, so don't by heavens change it;)

"I’m lost in eternity of his glamour
His polite manner makes me stand
And listen to the horror of his life
I can still see the sea of melancholy
In his mysterious eyes, so magnificent blue
With white pearls of tears that are so rife."

i have no idea what "rife" means, but this was just excellent. somehow it compresses the whole image i have of vampires. goodgoodgood :)
| Posted on 2005-02-05 00:00:00 | by _taateli_ | [ Reply to This ]
  A definite new approach to the way of talking about someone who has you so wrapepd up...referring to them as a gothic empire, a vampire of sorts, very intriguing to even begin to say the least. Yes, I also noted a few perhaps typos or you actually misspelled the words. Such as "brake," that would be spelled break. Things like that, but these things are only so trivial.

My mister Vampire King of Hell!

Truth be told, I believe this line was a sort of weak way to end the poem. I mean as I travelled through the entire length of the poem I was caught up by a few catchy phrases and the thick imagery you portrayed. Yet then, I reach the very last line hoping for a climax to be resolved and leave me content but it dropped right off the deep end. Perhaps if you ever though of revising this you might just add another line, or perhaps take this out entirely. Either way it is up to you and I am merely making a suggestion no harm done.

Besides what I have pointed out, I enjoyed your poem to an extent and believe you have some potential.

-Geremy-
| Posted on 2005-01-24 00:00:00 | by Geremy Smith | [ Reply to This ]
  I think that overall the poem is very good, but there are errors in it. Is english your second language? I ask because there are many sentences where words have been left out. Other than that, great write.
| Posted on 2005-01-24 00:00:00 | by ebflannery | [ Reply to This ]

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