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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Behind the Paintdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Geremy Smith
    ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171/145/23
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1227
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 755



    Description:
        I believe this sort of explains itself in a sort of sense, if not just ask and I will give you the intentions of this poem. But I am eager to see what you get out of it. Have fun reading...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBehind the Paintdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Wax lined paint
    of intents gone stale
    - outlined by bristles
    pressed across folding flesh
    to a mind so gullible

    Perhaps to mix the mixture
    would dull the fixtures
    - of these jack knifed intents
    in a space you lined with white
    only to reveal before discolor

    Don't ask the question
    (as to why a promise fades)
    - natural reaction to praise falsely
    what will never be completed
    in the first place

    Were you told you could fly?
    Maybe it was the opposite
    but oh how you do dance up a lie

    A fixated path
    can't reroute, just remain
    waxing off the promises
    a treadmill decay.




    Submitted on 2005-01-24 14:20:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This poem was so pretty...I love poetry that uses painting and art in it...painting is such a poetic thing and I think that in alot of ways they are equal in emotion.Awesome poem really.
    Fare Thee Well
    Jazmine
    | Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      K. I don't have a lot of time, so I'll get to the point. Please don't take offense...

    Wax lined paint
    of intents gone stale
    - outlined by bristles
    pressed across folding flesh
    to a mind so gullible

    You had good intentions when you said it, but you used your sexuality to get me to believe it?

    If this is what you meant, great. But since I can't be at all sure, it is hard to go from there, but I will assume it true and take the leap.

    Perhaps to mix the mixture
    would dull the fixtures
    - of these jack knifed intents
    in a space you lined with white
    only to reveal before discolor

    This all sounds really cool. I love the mixture fixture thing, but...I am back to square one. I understand none of this...it seems like maybe it's repeating the same thing as the first stanza...

    k, (again Dave, keep it brief)...It is not up to me to determine your style. If you feel you've expressed yourself well here, then leave it alone. I hate trying to get everybody to write the same way. I hate when people spoonfeed everything. If every line, every word, in this poem has meaning to you, then keep doing what you're doing. But if you yourself are stringing words together that sound good, then justifying possible meaning later, I would rethink this...

    You have obvious skills. Here's how I see them:
    You have the ability to express emotion. You have the ability to put together interesting, original phrases. You have the ability take tired subjects and bring them back to life...

    Trust your talent! Trust your talent. If you're unsure about certain phrases and their meaning, fight the temptation to use them. Instead, write your feelings out in simple terms, then go back and color them in. This way the meaning is already there, you've just painted it up to make it look pretty. Like a pretty girl with brains, nothing wrong with a little make up to become beautiful rather than pretty, but there has to be something behind the make up. Am I making any sense?

    You got skills, no doubt about it. I'll keep reading you no matter what. But trust me, I will keep challenging you til I'm convinced you're using them to the best of your ability. So if you want me off your back, just tell me every word you write has clear meaning to you and I'll dig harder to find it. Otherwise, I'll keep pushing...
    | Posted on 2005-01-25 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      o.O This poem was rather ambigious, in my opinion... I didn't understand what it was about until the third stanza:

    Don't ask the question
    (as to why a promise fades)
    - natural reaction to praise falsely
    what will never be completed
    in the first place

    Honestly, if this stanza did not exist in the poem, I might've not understood at all what it might be about... (it strikes me that you seem to have a certain style with your poetry, a certain ambiguity with a certain stanza that outlines the message, that, though ambigious, attracts the reader! ...i hope I'm making sense to you. haha). So, anyway, my idea was that this poem tells of how false promises can be, and how easily they deceive a guillible mind, namely one that is innocent and has yet to understand the true realistic nature of promises in the real world. You also seem to be saying that time has an effect on promises? That perhaps time causes the intentions of promises to be forgotten and left behind?

    But all said and done, I agree with you on your message in this poem (that is, if I got it right. haha)... promises, as I see it now, are over-rated. Perhaps it's because we tend to say "I promise" without realising that we're just using it as a formality than actually meaning the promise that we make. The funny thing is, though the person who says it usually does not mean it, the other party perceive it as a moment where a bond of trust is made, and expects the bond to be kept that way - but unfortunately, most of the time, these promises are broken all too easily... and then made up for with yet another overrated formality - you guessed it, "I'm sorry." I liked the idea of the poem, though this one, I found it slightly too ambigious... nevertheless, a good write and a good read!
    | Posted on 2005-01-25 00:00:00 | by zhi wei | [ Reply to This ]
      Jeremy, I think we have crossed swords before so to speak. Maybe I can't convince you, but I'm going to try again. Here are 3 lines of yours:
    outlined by bristles
    pressed across folding flesh
    to a mind so gullible

    Now, just for a moment, just to humour an older poet, imagine that you did not write those lines, but that a stranger did and you met them for the first time. Now answer the question, "What do they mean?" Not with the personal, privileged, private information that you the author possess, but with the naive but willing ignorance of a stranger. Your poetical style is like that to me and I feel it is a real shame. You have undoubted, unbounded talent, but you must channel it. Until life has thrown in your path serious subjects to write about, why not treat your poetical career like an apprenticeship and hone your skills by writing about easily understood concrete subjects, just as the great masters had to practise with still life before they were given free rein on an expensive canvas.
    | Posted on 2005-01-24 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I read it several times, and while the metaphors are really vivid, and pleasing in their own way, I cant make sense of them all, or see where they were connected to each other.
    I really like the way you break up those first few stanzas with the - to begin the mid-line. That works really well, I think.
    An interesting read, even if I didnt understand it. :)
    | Posted on 2005-01-24 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]


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