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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Just Onedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elitegundam
    ASL Info:    25/M/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.25 - 68/90/20
    Words: 126
    Class/Type: Poetry/The pain inside
    Total Views: 216
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 814



    Description:
       Another sad, depressing poem, written while feeling sad and depressed, I'd really appreciate tips on the writing style, and ways to improve my general writing ability


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJust Onedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Standing on a mountain,
    nobody to hear me scream.
    High above the clouds,
    my head begins to spin.
    Day turns into night,
    coldness overcomes me.
    I can't survive any longer,
    just one step can end it all.

    Trapped in a room,
    alone with my pain.
    My thoughts consume me,
    dark, evil, no end in sight.
    Will I ever be free?
    I stare at the blade,
    tightly clenched in my fist,
    just one cut could end it all

    Laying drunk on the floor,
    trying to numb the pain,
    grab a bottle from beside me,
    wishing I could just forget.
    Why is it so hard to find
    some kind of painkiller for the mind?
    Another bottle, then many more,
    just one night would end it all




    Submitted on 2005-01-25 13:16:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Writing style is something you needn't search out... you definitely have one, and I like it. As far a poetically adjusting this one, I can't think of anything. I'm typically not into "final solution" poems, but this is a good way to go about it, spending more time describing the feelings that go into considering death, rather than glorifying the pursuit of it. I can't say I "enjoyed" this, per se... I don't think anyone enjoys sadness... but I can say that it made me feel strongly, and that is the best that anyone can ask of their work.
    | Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ]
      well, writing syle is one you must find. we all have our own and that's that. i think you are in such a state of mind right now that this is how it is and it's great you are writing to work through it. writing helps a lot, at least i think so. you have a way of getting the reader to really think about it thus leaving them with the feelings of sadness and just feeling alone. i think you are doing a great job, you can only go up from here in all aspects! so just keep writing and if you are not ok with a poem re-read it and fix it until you are** keep it up*
    | Posted on 2005-01-25 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all...you have good writing ability...your just in some what of a tragic state right now... so the metaphors are down and some what overwhelming so that it clouds the readers mind. In other words...it broke my heart and by the end I felt sad myself...with both writes...read the other one as well.
    I'm sorry you are so alone...and so very depressed.
    Be well
    &
    Take Care (hope tomorrow is better for ya)
    | Posted on 2005-01-25 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]



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