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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: White chocolatedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ellisa
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400/415/125
    Words: 151
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 327
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 984



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhite chocolatedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your mouth looks
    As
    Bittersweet as marmalade
    As
    Soft as flowing, cheap white wine
    And down your back
    I write in permanence,
    NIGHT BLACK ink;
    “What will the neighbours think?”

    You sing like my cello strings
    As
    Trembling a bass as the owl
    Unto the pussycat
    I dye your clothes
    With MIDNIGHT BLACK
    And hope that they’ll see you
    Just the way I do.

    Your eyes are deep as
    The King’s spider Cave
    On the shore of the western isle,
    Where I got my name,
    I colour your hair
    As dark as the cave’s back
    And hope they’ll not…
    Look you in the eye.

    I push that white chocolate skin
    Down into the heavy soil

    Won’t let you wash

    Don’t stand too close to the window
    My love, don’t let the truth show.










    Submitted on 2005-01-26 07:39:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You have some serious soul clearing going on here, this is rage art of the finest caliber. I commend you for doing so, anger makes us sick, one way or the other, don't keep it. Your images are well spoken, for me though this could be tighter, without changing any meaning such as..

    Your mouth
    bittersweet as marmalade..

    and second stanza...

    You sing like my cello strings
    Bass trembling (even trebling)
    as owl unto pussycat

    just a few ideas to consider. Very well done, thanks and keep writing, ellisa.
    peace,

    nansofast
    | Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I think we already discussed all caps on another piece. I agree those words are best emphasized, and I agree the format here makes that difficult, but I hope if you ever publish this that perhaps you'll use italics or spacing or something besides ALL CAPS to get that job done.
    At another workshop today I just had an assignment to work with comparisons, amazing then that I would stumble onto this piece. Yours are fresh and vivid.
    And I like your theme. The older I get the less hope I hold out though. Why is it so easy to hate anything different?
    Take care,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-01-26 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, I love you, I really do. My first day 'back' as back gets; the first thing I read is this masterpiece. It was like a dream, with the weird, colorful, delicious elements of a fairy tale or a nightmare.
    'Bittersweet as marmalade'
    'As
    Trembling a bass as the owl
    Unto the pussycat'
    breathtaking and a pleasure to read, something ELSE for my favorites.
    It kind of makes me mad and wish that I had your style of writing... it's somewhat close to mine, but it's a level above; somewhere I want to be. Someday.
    look, i'm gushing on my first day back. ugh
    ~be easy
    | Posted on 2005-01-26 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]



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