ever my weakness by blueorchids

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Submission Name: ever my weakness dots

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Author:	blueorchids
ASL Info:	26/F/California
Elite Ratio:	6.35 - 1068/924/91
Words:	248

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	682
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1940

Description:
Julie Roberts "Wake Up Older". running to someone, through the elements, hopefully before it's too late.

it's never too late to say i was wrong. thoughts as always, lovelies.

ever my weakness dots

-------------------------------------------

i came to you in the thunder, the
hard falling rain; scared,
emotionally

u n p r e p a r e d -

       i drove to you in spite of the lightning.

( ( puddling ) ) on your exposed doorstep,
i leaned forward into
the lamplight that was giving you
a sordid halo and asked
if you'd allow us to
              forget
my Damnable pride,
                           step aside
and let me in.
a shrug of your solid shoulders,
you swung your body w i d e
with the front door you gently pulled
o p e n
for me to walk inside.

i shivered

from more than the clinging chill,
the excited hum and
                            bloodrush coming still,
uncomfortable with your eyes
telling me the way i told you before:

"someone doesn't belong here anymore."

and i knew,
heart around my ankles, staring at You
rocking back [with regret] on my heels,
that this must be how a wrong decision feels.

my socks squishing in wet shoes, i knew
i had no right to want, to need to
tremble
near your Much Missed warmth, a c h i n g for
you. but
you were ever the piece i knew to be true,
phoenix ashes, fine and burned brand new

ever
the home i re[turn]ed to.

Submitted on 2005-01-26 23:41:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  Excellent poetic voice here, full of wonderful poetry with the power to evoke emotions (something often dismissed in modern academic poetry circles) a most lovely and most poignant write! Loved it, loved it, loved it!! bravo... bravo... bravo ...
| Posted on 2008-03-28 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
  You have most deftly described the the return of the humbled and wiser prodigal lover...dripping with wteness and with resolve to right a wrong that was self perpetrated. Your words and your styling were well received by this humble reader.
| Posted on 2007-06-24 00:00:00 | by ErgoIgo | [ Reply to This ]
  Your poetry is like piano keys played in a symphony.
Whatever that means. So complex and beautiful. Felicitous.
-tyler-
| Posted on 2005-10-02 00:00:00 | by disillusion | [ Reply to This ]
  I love how you play with structure and spacing in your work. It gives it that unique edge that helps highlight the import sections. The tendency to return to a lover over and over even though you know it's unhealthy for both of you is a sentiment many can identify with. Your titles always express exactly what you want the reader to take from the piece and your endings are never less than breath takingly powerful. I find myself coming back again and again to read your work and never find myself disappointed.

Thank you.

drowning_queen
| Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ]
  I have read this several times now and I never comment...but I keep coming back to it. I guess I don't comment because I really have no critique for it...I don't think it could be any better than it already is. Each time I read it I like it better. You have evoked such an atmosphere of vulnerability and awkwardness, and hopefulness, and innocence and knowing. I love the structure you have built and I wish I was as brazen as you are with structure. I have taken much from this piece. Magnolia
| Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
  I admire the risks you took with this poem, structurally. It fits with the storyline or theme, which really is about another kind of risking, from both ppl in the poem, one risking rejection, the other risking a repeat of the past. I didn't see the original version, so I can't speak to that, but there are a lot of clever usages here and a subtlety that never detracts from the piece at all. It's like a fine sculpture, beautiful and revealing.
| Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  Okay - I fully love this and there are so many details that I want to touch carefully and look at up to the light that I don't have enough time tonight. It's almost midnight, I'm sick and I have school tomorrow. So I need to go. But I am going to keep you on my reminder thing so I remember to come back and give this some justice (if at all possible).

~ Kayla
| Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by Niphredil | [ Reply to This ]
  Heya :)

I like this piece a lot, in its words. I like the story that it tells, a simple one:
Girl turns up on doorstep, soaked to skin.
Swallows pride, asks to be let in.
And feels like she's home.

Simple stories make the best poems because it means the reader can just...
swoosh
through what's being said without the need to analyse metaphors or calibrate thoughts to ensure they fit in with the message/meaning within.

And it's because of that, that I don't like the formatting. Because I think this is good enough to be a perfect poem on its own, it doesn't need frills and bows and italics. I read this the way you gave it to me, and then I read it the way I made it, changing the highlighted words into plain old text, and I did prefer my way better.
It feels rude to say so, though. To turn around to someone and go "oh, you didn't do it properly". But your other readers like this the way it is, and so you reached the mark you aimed for.
Me, I go away with visions of lamplight halos and squishy socks (SQUISHY SOCKS! Someone wrote a serious poem with squishy socks, and got away with it!)
*Bows*
L

| Posted on 2005-02-03 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
  Grace Kelly would act this scene out well - she knew how to wring her spiritual hands particularly well, most especially in the rain - but not as well as you seem to be able to.
Do you know, the formatting of this poem does the strangest thing: it doesn't enhance the message, which is crystal; it serves to spotlight the writer.
But that's absolutely fine because the two should be inextricably linked anyway. Am I making sense?!
I like this as I like pretty much everything you tell and show us because it's typically raw yet polished at the same time.
And always the sensation that I'm sat near the back of a drive-in...
Well socks squishing is hard work for me I suppose and I would just make that line so: my sock, squishing in a wet shoe I knew...
Oh and I actually like a bit of parenthesis action too; it serves both to highlight and annoy - a combination that is oddly pleasing.
You blue orchid you.
Later,
K
| Posted on 2005-01-30 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  making amends is always a difficult thing to do, but necessary if we are to walk through this life with any integrity. you lay yourself bare here, putting your pride aside to do what you have to do. i had a little problem with some of the formatting, like maybe it was a bit too much, but that is minor, because the poem itself i think is very well written.
| Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the thunderstorm as a backdrop, a prelude that says in the end, that past has been washed away,
thankfully. I can feel the urgency of making amends

scared
emotionally unprepared

They only thought you have is to fix it, and it's loomed in your mind so long, you just move..

lamplight that was giving you
a sordid halo

I can see the foreboding failure here, a shadowy
glimpse to keep us in suspense,

And then you show us a photo of your guilt/attraction

uncomfortable with your eyes..

then we realize this is someone worth the cost of ditching your pride..

you were ever the piece I knew to be true,
phoenix ashes, fine and burned brand new

This is fine work, Blue, thanks for walking through the storm to get it for us.

nansofast

| Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  This was good. It is so hard when you realize you let your pride do the talking, and it costs you in the end. I think everyone experiences this at one point or another, by either being the giver or being on the recieving end. Words do hurt, they damage things that would otherwise be fine. Anyway, good write.
| Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by ebflannery | [ Reply to This ]
  i hope you aren't shy cause this just SCREAMS performance piece. it begs for a stage. the emphasis on words, the pauses you've written in, the little singsong rhymes. I SAW it being performed in my head and it deserved a standing ovation:P get to it!
| Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
  i REALLY like this. like a lot.
i love the puddle part the best. it draws a picture so good and everything. i like how your rhyming doesn't seem forced. i like what this is about. i like this alot. yeah.
| Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by Lemmy | [ Reply to This ]
  this was fantastic. the imagery, rhyming, structure...everything. it was a really good read. i can deffinantly relate to what you're talking about. i've felt that extreme gut feeling when you know you shouldn't have done something, but you did...and when you come back it's almost an intrusion more than a welcome. that's at least how i felt reading this...anyways. really nice job, i'm looking foward to reading more.<33
| Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by cre_dia | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem got my attention. The erratic format, the line breaks, the persistent rhyme scheme, and especially the theme-they all worked together to make a really incredible piece. I will definitely read more of your work. I'm adding this to my favorites. -Lazy Spleen
| Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by Lazy Spleen | [ Reply to This ]
  ok i disagree with your second comment...i don't think it was to dressed up...the brackets and what not were put there and seem to work quite well in my opinion...and i wouldn't say so just because...lol...

and i knew
heart around my ankles,starring at you
rocking back[with regret]on my heels,
that this must be how a wrong desicion feels

that had to be my favorite part...it reminded me of times i'd felt unsure ..after doing something...it was so honest and emotion filled...this was just extremly beautifully written...i can't quite explain i've sat and read a few of your others...its just the way you capture the human qualities of the people in your writes being you or just something from your imagination...its just perfect...purps
| Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
  I think you maybe overdid the [brackets] and other such devices very slightly - it seems like you are dressing up the poem to disguise it, like it isn't strong enough to make an impact without all this extra stuff... I think the s p a c i n g is effective at the point girlinthephoto has mentioned, but I think it is strong enough to speak more simply in places.

I think it is all very well-conveyed. Liked the 'sordid halo' particularly, for some reason. I think the description of the storm, & 'I drove to you in spite of the lightning' is a little clichéd, but overall this is touching; it has that laying-your-cards-on-the-table feeling. Winningly honest... nice to see you post something new.
Becky
| Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
  your work is always worth the wait. but i'm not sure why you classified this as prose. but that's a minor point really.

there are two images in this poem that made me (i'll admit) incredibly jealous that i hadn't thought of them myself.
first:
"you swung your body w i d e
with the front door you gently pulled
o p e n
for me to step inside."
the idea of him being like an open door.. that is just.. there is no point in trying to describe it. it is just perfection.

and second:
"and i knew,
heart around my ankles, staring at You
rocking back [with regret] on my heels,
that this must be how a wrong decision feels."
...especially the last line of the stanza... there is something abou the honesty of that stanza that just gets to me.. makes me want to read it over and over.

this poem.. it's like.. that feeling in winter when you're entire body is warm except for your hands and there's nothing you can do to take that chill away. it's like.. coming so close to the edge and then realising that you don't have the courage to free fall. it's that long walk back into that quiet existence where there are no butterflies in your stomach..
how do you make loneliness seem so beautiful?
| Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
  i think you have some good sh-it in here.
you convey exactly your emotions as i perceive them.
you use rhyme extremely well in that you use it apparently infrequently but it seems to nod with what you are saying;
'you were ever the piece i knew to be true,
phoenix ashes, fine and burned brand new'
and
'hard falling rain; scared,
emotionally

u n p r e p a r e d - '
and
'and i knew,
heart around my ankles, staring at You
rocking back [with regret] on my heels,
that this must be how a wrong decision feels.'
in fact, you have far more rhyme than i had first read and i think that this is a testament to how well your piece works in terms of the words you use.
i think this section:
'and i knew,
heart around my ankles, staring at You
rocking back [with regret] on my heels,
that this must be how a wrong decision feels.'
is superb.
i have read this before but had not formulated a comment untill now.
sometimes i am
s

l

ooooooooooooooo

w.

your formatting does hide a lot of the rhyme, and i think that is a good thing. because you do not immediatley set a tone or rhythm we are allowed to read the piece as it comes to us as opposed to following a bouncing ball.
this said, i feel your formatting is a little contrived and overworked.
and this is a shame for me.
you have a mixture of comments both for and against, and it is my opinion that it would work if you met it in the middle somewhere, somehow.
if you could keep enough of it, especially in your breaking up of the lines and inserts and such, yet remove some of the forcements, then i think your piece will sit well.
it would not be fair to say this about your formatting if i did not give justification, so i will try to put into words the feeling that i am getitng from your formatting:
'u n p r e p a r e d '
how does this improve on the word you use? how does it relate to the word you use?
i cant see how. if the word were s t r e t c h e d, for example, then there would be a concept behind it. i think being unprepared is more of a short, sharp and unexpecting concept, and this is why i think it is not relevant to stretch out the word.
and certainly not in even spacing.
it is obvious why you have leaned the word leaned, but this is spoon feeding in my opinion.
you are showing what you are saying and thus adding nothing. you use simple italics but i think the problem is that you are drawing focus to a word that does not seem to warrant it at this point. perhaps the word 'forward' or even no word at all in this section should be highlighted.
and this brings to another problem, which exists there and in the following instances:
'hard' [in bold]
and
't r e m b l e'
and
'b l o o d r u s h'
and so on.
when i read this words in your piece i spend about 10 seconds more on them than the others.
like bblllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooddddddddddddddddddddrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhh.
now i know this is exaggerated, but it extends the way we read the word, and thus slows us down in the reading. [whereas i can see this as being effective on a small number of occasions, i would not say as many as you have.] this would only be relevant if the word should be stretched, and i dont see this in any of the words i quoted.
and then you have the same formatting for totally different concepts:
'b l o o d r u s h'
and
'a c h i n g'
and
't r e m b l e'
and
'o p e n'
and
'w i d e'
and
'f o r g e t'
and
'u n p r e p a r e d'
yet these all say totally different things.
'w i d e ' and a c h i n g ' might possibly work with this context, and on their own, but none of the others in my opinion.

i do think your use of brackets work well here and add to the double meanings.
and i like the shifting of emotion to fact:
'i came to you in the thunder, the
hard falling rain; scared,
emotionally

u n p r e p a r e d -

i drove to you in spite of the lightning. '
to name but one example.

and i am sorry to have pulled this apart, but i think it was the only way to get across what i wanted to say and to back it up in a manner fair to your piece.
a lot of people are formatting at the moment, and whereas this is nothing to do with you or your words, it just makes it more difficult to do and do well and different from everyone else and still relevant to your piece.
and finally this is your piece, and this up there is just the opinion of on1e, it is also the opinion of on1e that your words are befitting and evocative.
take care
on1eday.co.uk
| Posted on 2005-02-24 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
  yes.
i think you have the balance swinging more in your favour here.
my dear.
because the focus is not now on the trickery, but the words, and they are far more important.
far more so.
for example:
' leaned forward into
the lamplight that was giving you
a sordid halo and asked
if you'd allow us to
forget
my Damnable pride,
step aside
and let me in.
a shrug of your solid shoulders,
you swung your body w i d e
with the front door you gently pulled
o p e n
for me to walk inside...'
this piece moves and really reads rather well becuase there is not too much to trip over. and i felt the essence of the words much more.
and its amazing what you and we and anyone can do with a few subtle changes.
and you did it your way, which is the most fundamental.
take care
on1eday.co.uk
| Posted on 2005-02-25 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
  O MY GOD! I loved with evey last bit of my soul I
that was something I would love to see more of. Because that was just straight out beautiful it makes wonder if I could actually be capable of writting something as unique as what you wrote. I also wonder how long did it take you to write a "MASTERPIECE" like what you wrote?
What was your inspiration?
And if you any of that you wrote true or if you put a little bit of yourself in it like I do in most of poems? But i'm gonna stop praising you cause it's getting kind of sad so i'll end this by say that this is one of a kind, true ORIGINAL" keep up the terriffic work. 1 love
| Posted on 2005-03-02 00:00:00 | by C. Flava | [ Reply to This ]
  First of all, the title of this piece fits perfectly with the content, and as "ever" is echoed in the final lines, it serves to bring the thought the full circle, -important in a longer poem that meanders down different detours. ( I really dislike "untitled" pieces , or titles that seem like they were purchased at Wal-Mart or taken from names in a wallpaper sample book)

I actually read this a while ago, and kept putting off commenting, and now your editing has it made it so much easier to comment, because the formatting is now behaving well, the s p a c i n g of the words u n p r e p a r e d, open, aching, suits those words and emphasizes them. This is clearer now because the technique isn't overused, so the few places you do use it stand out empahtically. The same can be said of the Capitalized words " Damnable", " You" (on seeing him in the doorway) "Much Missed warmth" and the small "i"s peppered throughout, and the selective use of brackets/parentheses "( ( puddling ) )" (like ripples in a puddle ), "[with regret] "(an aside), and "re[turn]ed" (play on words). All that works 100% now without being "gimmicky", and the words, the beautiful evocative words and phrase in between that are the core of the poem, -they are not lost in the glitter, but rather shine more brightly.

Your choice of storm imagery was excellent to convey the cold, miserable feelings inside, and the longing for the warm refuge of home. You follow through, from the physical discomfort of hard driving rain, lightening, thunder ,-the emotions of fear and anxiety in the first 5 lines, to the beacon of the porch lamp and the haven inside that door. Once inside, you are still. shivering. trembling ,"socks squishing in wet shoes", and so from the first to last we feel your misery.

On the threshold to this refuge, your words continually paint that man, that house as a sanctuary, the "halo" around his head, his "solid shoulders", even your "Damnable Pride" suggests transgression and a prayer for forgiveness. Physically, you are a lost kitten in a storm, emotionally, you are devastated by your behavior,-and both cause a "shiver".
The "shiver" is poignant also because it suggests that just because your inside the door, doesn't mean you have thwe "home" you long for so much. There is much said by way of omission, no eye-contact ,longing looks, but rather a look that says (coldly) " "someone doesn't belong here anymore." There is no warm embrace, tender touch, but instead there is evasive or defensive body language in "a shrug of your solid shoulders, /you swung your body w i d e -" Lord that is so heartbreaking, to swallow your pride, admit you were wrong, pray for forgiveness, a second chance, -all to no avail, and to know it's your own fault.And who hasn't been there, but you take us back there anyway with your own example,- just in case we forgot-"- how a wrong decision feels."
There is such a sense of loss in the last strophe and concluding lines. Like a cold and hungry beggar looking into brightly lit window, you ache for that warmth and comfort, through an invisible but all too solid barrier.
My little nits" Well. I didn't like the word "sordid" to modify his Halo. I am not sure what you were going for, perhaps "sallow", "somber"?, but you do a bang up job of portraying him as your rock in a storm, as a lighthouse, a warm heart(h) to be snuggled against, and none of that is "sordid". And one line
"telling me the way i told you once before:" alright perhaps, but I didn't like the "before" . We are well aware that you left in the past, so in that sense, "before is redundant. Perhaps simply.
"telling me the way i once told you ;"
This was a bittersweet, evocative read from the title on through the poignant closing lines, and I am delighted at the way you re-packaged this sad, familiar tale,
Silver
| Posted on 2005-03-06 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  You wrote that very beautifully. I could imagine myself in that kind of situation and there have been times when I've driven out late at night just to see the person I wanted to.. Very nicely done!
| Posted on 2005-02-02 00:00:00 | by Besu | [ Reply to This ]

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