Description: I wrote this poem in Mythology class inspired by Artemis and Apollo any suggestions on how to fix the ending would be great.
The Moon -------------------------------------------
A lonely orb,
cold and distant,
admired only
when her brother
is far away.
in the brilliance
of his feiry light
she is forgotten
and out of sight
in the light of day."
i love how you portray the moon as femine and the sun as masculine when you say "admired only/ when her brother/ is far away." i think it would be interesting to go into more comparisons and contrasts between the sun and the moon but its good as it is also
the title intrigues me.. i love anything about the moon... but then when i read the poem it really wasent about the moon to me so i was disapointed. but.. i liked the poem . i am like abort chaotic describe more about the brother.. sorry dont mean to offend just trying to help
Alright, a better description would be nice.. Wait I don't write descriptions I want people to get and leave with what the feel after reading my utterly bad poems. Haha, anyways I like the cold orbs. Brother? Hes gone? Why is he gone. Explain that with emotion.. and change the ending it stopped the flow.
i lke it alot especially the last lines. they seem like you're saying that everyone just forgets about her when her brother is there and only taken notice of when he leaves.
Thanx for your comments oN silver hair the frien is a monket you find that out in the end its more of a kids story did not give it much thought it was just off the top of my head yours was a good write good topic as well sandman
i liked this little ode to brother sun and sister moon. short and to the point, like i like them. i like the description of her as admired only when her brother is far away. the sun outshines the moon in the morning light, and she fades away beneath his powerful rays. well done!
It was very good, the brother/sister relationship is good, I wrote one that has them as lovers, with her missing him in the darkness.
As for your end, hmmm... how about being a bit subtler. Something like:
"A lonely orb, cold and distant, admired only when her brother is far away. In the brilliance of his fiery white she is forgotten and out of sight in the light of day."
Submission Name: The Moon
sorry dont mean to offend just trying to help