[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Moondots

    Author: Selene
    ASL Info:    21/f/ US
    Elite Ratio:    2.76 - 150/165/57
    Words: 37
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 942
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 260

       I wrote this poem in Mythology class inspired by Artemis and Apollo any suggestions on how to fix the ending would be great.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Moondots

    A lonely orb,
    cold and distant,
    admired only
    when her brother
    is far away.
    in the brilliance
    of his feiry light
    she is forgotten
    and out of sight
    in the light of day."

    Submitted on 2005-01-27 14:00:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Nice impression, good thinking, and a very good line of...a storylike.I loved the subject of your poetry.I adore the moon, also.
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by DAlin | [ Reply to This ]
      i love how you portray the moon as femine and the sun as masculine when you say "admired only/ when her brother/ is far away." i think it would be interesting to go into more comparisons and contrasts between the sun and the moon but its good as it is also
    | Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by andnow | [ Reply to This ]
      the title intrigues me.. i love anything about the moon... but then when i read the poem it really wasent about the moon to me so i was disapointed. but.. i liked the poem . i am like abort chaotic describe more about the brother.. sorry dont mean to offend just trying to help
    | Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by Caroline_19 | [ Reply to This ]
      Alright, a better description would be nice.. Wait I don't write descriptions I want people to get and leave with what the feel after reading my utterly bad poems. Haha, anyways I like the cold orbs. Brother? Hes gone? Why is he gone. Explain that with emotion.. and change the ending it stopped the flow.

    | Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by Abort_Chaotic | [ Reply to This ]
      i lke it alot especially the last lines. they seem like you're saying that everyone just forgets
    about her when her brother is there and only taken notice of when he leaves.
    | Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by Aroura | [ Reply to This ]
      Thanx for your comments oN silver hair the frien is a monket you find that out in the end its more of a kids story did not give it much thought it was just off the top of my head yours was a good write good topic as well sandman
    | Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked this little ode to brother sun and sister moon. short and to the point, like i like them. i like the description of her as admired only when her brother is far away. the sun outshines the moon in the morning light, and she fades away beneath his powerful rays. well done!
    | Posted on 2005-02-20 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      I had to read this, as I'm a moon lover.

    It was very good, the brother/sister relationship is good, I wrote one that has them as lovers, with her missing him in the darkness.

    As for your end, hmmm... how about being a bit subtler. Something like:

    "A lonely orb,
    cold and distant,
    admired only
    when her brother
    is far away.
    In the brilliance
    of his fiery white
    she is forgotten
    and out of sight
    in the light of day."

    Just a thought, I really liked it.

    be Happy

    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    written by Daniel Barlow
    AI written by poetotoe
    written by Daniel Barlow
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Wavelength written by saartha
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Estranged / Shocks written by Daniel Barlow
    Every..... written by jackz
    Fasade written by jackz




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]