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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Suicide Stainsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Brwnsknsam05
    ASL Info:    32/F/ Cuba
    Elite Ratio:    4.78 - 399/440/103
    Words: 114
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 1259
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 948



    Description:
       The title says it all...its a poem about suicide not based on me. NEVER that, enjoyI hope I make a point.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSuicide Stainsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She whispers here
    Alone and unwanted
    So it appears
    That she lingers
    That she inhabits this place
    Her own fortress
    Here...
    Blood wounds
    Nicking her body
    From navel to nose
    A careless imprint
    Scaring her imperfection
    She...
    Razor blade blisters
    Knife nicks
    Behold
    The queen
    Of sedatives
    Look at her bewilderment
    Her testament...her prophecy
    Death...sweet persuasion
    Sacred only to her

    Clean sheets poured
    With black darkness
    Thick with a mass of illusion
    Forgotten lullaby
    Tender nursery rhyme
    Hanging in the pit of her arm
    Waiting to be set free
    Cut from their baren sheeth
    Bloodily masacre
    Is her blessing
    A tender tale...
    Staining the croock
    Of her arm...black
    Sweet dark...
    Stained red




    Submitted on 2005-01-28 09:32:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I've always loved the quirky, fast pace of your style. And I wanted to see your take on suicidal issues.
    Because unlike some of your other subjects, this one could potentially be a waste of your talent.
    Then again, everyone has at least one suicide poem, well..almost.
    The beginning of this was ominous enough without having to take a dip in the typical and overly agressive graphics of actual cutting.

    Why not tell the reader in a fresh new way that a disassociative drama queen wants to diagram herself with a nicced hatchet? You wrote this the way you wanted it and I understand that, but in a way, its too much like all the others. So I give you a "good job", like all the others.
    But what I prefer to give to you, Brownskinsam...is something that I cannot give anyone else...because you are SO much more orignal than this...in my semi-revered opinions...you are among the most original on the site. But it isn't reflected in any shape or form in this write.

    MyX
    | Posted on 2005-04-29 00:00:00 | by MyX | [ Reply to This ]
      tis is I like more, but its morbid as hell. Pay no attn to alexian - He's a living paradox. He left becuase nobody noticed he would. I like all the space for things not said in this and that the surrounding implications still suggest. Behold the Queen...look at her bewilderment. Reminds me of some sort of worshipped idol suddenly expected to make decisions. It is of course very sad - to be alone and unwanted is traditionally a bad thing; but the optimistic ascetic might suggest that its the only true freedom. Its good after all, that she only appears to linger in this fortress - its not such a nice place afterall
    shard
    | Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
      Eh, well you're the first one I've viewed since coming back (I've been gone for quite a long time now.), but here goes. You're really not too bad, considering most of your peers. Really, you show a hint of raw talent, but you're rough around the edges. You need to work on your spelling, for one thing. For example:
    1.) "Blood" is improperly used. "Bloody", however, would make sense.
    2.) Change "Scaring her imperfection to "Scarring her imperfection."

    As far as style, you're choppy and have very, very little flow, but you have a unique style. Not following the norm can be a good thing sometimes. Styles predominate rules when it comes to writing, especially when the writer is a poet.

    ~James "Alexian" Neal
    | Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by alexianx | [ Reply to This ]
      i found this piece very peacefull and there was somekind of longing in there. i read it a few times through and couldn't get my eyes of it. there was something very seducing and...capturing(?) in it. the flow was very slow and beautiful, it doesn't always have to be that kind of rhyme-rhyme-rhyme-thingie. it held the whole package together and the story continued from the intro

    "She whispers here
    Alone and unwanted
    So it appears
    That she lingers
    That she inhabits this place
    Her own fortress"

    to the middle part

    "Here...
    Blood wounds
    Nicking her body
    From navel to nose
    A careless imprint
    Scaring her imperfection
    She...
    Razor blade blisters
    Knife nicks
    Behold
    The queen
    Of sedatives
    Look at her bewilderment
    Her testament...her prophecy
    Death...sweet persuasion
    Sacred only to her"

    'till the outro

    "Clean sheets poured
    With black darkness
    Thick with a mass of illusion
    Forgotten lullaby
    Tender nursery rhyme
    Hanging in the pit of her arm
    Waiting to be set free
    Cut from their baren sheeth
    Bloodily masacre
    Is her blessing
    A tender tale...
    Staining the croock
    Of her arm...black
    Sweet dark...
    Stained red"

    very smoothly. it reminded me a bit of a song by HIM, "gone with the sin", though it probably doesn't have anything to do with it. there was just this dying-theme. the poem felt very original though there must be hundreds of suicide-centered pieces. your writing style is very beautiful, don't forget it. chocolade with a pinch of bitterness and a half spoonful of confusion.
    | Posted on 2005-03-05 00:00:00 | by _taateli_ | [ Reply to This ]


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