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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ceremony of Fatedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Dana
    ASL Info:    23/F/Dreamland
    Elite Ratio:    3.98 - 79/87/26
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 773
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1125



    Description:
       I have re-written the ending of this poem for three times, but still there's something wrong with it, do you have more hints how to improve it?!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCeremony of Fatedots
    -------------------------------------------


    My heart stumbles in the dark
    Its world looks like the scariest park
    So many wounds made by fork of fate
    No cure can help - it's too late

    I can't reach out for the light
    I have no more power to fight
    What a painful feeling inside
    I'm slowly deceasing inside

    I have lost you in the deepest seas
    In the bushes and darkest trees
    We're lost in the raving darkness
    All around there's just emptiness
    No chance to find each other again

    I feel like drowning in my river of tears
    Nothing can turn back these years
    I wish I could find you again
    To feel a little bit more alive
    I'm looking for you in the backwoods
    In the depths of the waters then

    All in vain, hopeless
    I feel forsaken...
    I feel broken

    It is the end of my dreams and hopes
    I am drowning deeper in my world of darkness
    I wish you could come and set me free
    From this longing of mine, you see...

    by DANA 2004




    Submitted on 2005-01-28 11:38:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      There was a lot of emotion in this, I think it has a lot of potential. There are just a few flaws I noticed, so let me try and help you out.

    First I'll address the structure of rythm within the poem:

    Stanzas One and Two are both set up as: AABB.

    Stanza Three is set up as: AABBC. Not really a problem there, however

    Stanza Four threw me off with its: AABCDB.

    The rest of the poem continues on with no rythm until the last two lines. This wouldn't be a problem if it was a free verse poem, but what you have here is a combination of "rhyming" poetry and free verse poetry. You could probably pull off an amazing rewrite if you revise it as one or the other styles I previously listed, but you'd have to pick. Changing the format of a poem midway through is acceptable in some occasions, but here I felt that it would be better if it went in one direct path by rhyming, like the first two stanzas (AABB). This is just my suggestion, it's up to you whether or not you want to follow through with it.

    Also,

    "So many wounds made by fork of fate
    No cure can help - it's too late"

    The last line of this stanza strikes me as a bit too short. To match up better with the line before it, for flow's sake, I suggest that you make it something like:

    "No cure can help, for it's too far late"

    This has nine syllables, matching up perfectly with the preceding line. Just a thought.

    "What a painful feeling inside
    I'm slowly deceasing inside"

    I see two things wrong here: One, deceasing is not a word. Thus, I believe you should replace it with a three syllable word, something like:

    "I'm slowly decaying inside"

    Maybe this doesn't reflect the thought you were trying to provoke with the original line, but I think it could work. Again, it's up to you.

    The other thing that isn't quite great about this stanza is the fact that you used the rhymed the same word (inside) twice. I think you could do some brainstorming and think of another word to replace it, rather than repeating it.

    Just my two cents, I'm in no way trying to rewrite your poem or anything. I hope you take this as constructive criticism and put it to good use. Hope to see what more you have to offer! Cheers!
    | Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by Apocalyptica | [ Reply to This ]
      oh hey, this is really good, I am glad that I decided to read it, it was interesting, it has a nice concept, the only thing I didn't like was you used darkest and darkness so close together, they sound to similar to use them so close together, just a little pet peeve I really liked this though, I think when I get some time I will read more of your work, excellent job.
    Vicious
    | Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by ViCiOuSWrItEr | [ Reply to This ]


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