Detached Departure by Apocalyptica

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Submission Name: Detached Departure dots

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Author:	Apocalyptica
ASL Info:	18/m/San Antonio, TX
Elite Ratio:	6.41 - 79/66/10
Words:	82

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	288
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	562

Description:
Written in an attempt to try free verse...I don't know if I'm doing it right, don't know what the rules for it are. Any kind of help would be much appreciated.

Detached Departure dots

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At 4 AM,
A cloudless night sky
Had set the mood
For a detached departure

We sat upon the steps
Where we had
Our times
And she cried

Moonlit tears
Fell like stars
Down her immaculate face
And I…

I wish I
Could've cried, too
In our cold embrace
I wish I

Was weak enough
To cry
But I couldn’t, I wouldn’t
I wouldn’t let it hurt

I won’t miss you

Or so I said

Submitted on 2005-01-28 15:13:01 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  Hey! I thought this was a good free verse piece, I really did. I always like to come here and read your new stuff. I think my fav part was:

Moonlit tears
Fell like stars
Down her immaculate face
And I…

I wish I
Could've cried, too
In our cold embrace
I wish I

I don't know though. I liked all of it, but I think this was my fav part from the whole thing. Hope to catch more of your work later.
| Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by ForsakenAngel | [ Reply to This ]
  Aw man. . . your first free verse attempt? Keep going at it I can't imagine what you're going to become if this is your first try.

But I do have suggestions. (Heaven, don't I always?) There's a lot of cliché-isms in this. . . "cloudless night sky", "moonlit tears", and "immaculate face are a few. Since this is freeverse (and by the way, the only rule is that there are no rules) just let your imagination run wild all over the paper/computer screen. Write what you want. Use insane metaphors that make sense only to those as twisted as yourself. Make it completely original.

Very good ending, though. I just thought I'd say that before continuing. Ending things well is one of the HARDEST things to do with poetry.

I guess the only other suggestion I have for you besides edit Edit EDIT is to change the second line of the second stanza to say this instead of what you have: "Where we had once had". That will bring the meaning out more clearly.

Over all, very good write. Let me know if you do a rewrite and if you write any more like this. Thanks for sharing!

-Secret
| Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]
  well, you did a good job with your attempt.. though i dont know any rules for free verse either.. but it sounds pretty darn good to me..

sometimes it's easier to pretend that you dont care in order to get through rough goodbyes... but pretending can sometimes hurt more... hope that wasnt the case here...

i liked the first three stanzas.. after that i felt it got weak.. the emotion stayed strong though.. i just think it could've been written a little differently.. i mean.. it's all good.. just the switch in style in the fourht stanza... it stands out and takes away from the rest of the poem cause the rest doesnt have a set style like that...

separating the last lines was a good idea.. it puts emphasis on what you thougth as opposed to what you said...

i always assume that people write about themselves.. even though i dont most of the time.. so i apologize if i'm wrong... it's just easier for me to associate it with i's and you's... i really like this piece.. good content...

let me know if you do any revisions on this.. i'd make some suggestions since i criticized, but my brain just isnt right today.. i'm sorry.. i dont usually like to say.. this should be different... without giving you some clue as to what i think could be done to improve...

god.. this is a [censored]ty comment... i'll come back sometime and do a better job, i promise...
| Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by besodemuerte | [ Reply to This ]
  i don't think there are rules for free verse, my friend. this was painful and poignant. trying to contain your grief at having to say goodbye so it won't hurt. it breaks my heart. i know that you are getting ready to go into the Army, so i'm thinking this is a goodbye to your girlfriend? you've written your feelings well here. i hope that you are doing okay. come by and say hi if you have time. you're in my prayers, as always.
| Posted on 2005-02-17 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]

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