she sits in a corner by deadndreaming

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Submission Name: she sits in a corner dots

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Author:	deadndreaming
Elite Ratio:	6.78 - 1351/1244/78
Words:	465

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	819
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	5241

Description:
This is the sister piece to "esoteric whispers". It is written from the view of the girl who painted herself into a corner. Hope that's enough. Hope you enjoy. Please feel free to offer anything at all. I don't take offense easily.

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she sits in a corner dots

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-------------------------------------------

Here I sit, in this corner, victim of my own devices,
sh-shiv-vering from frigid faults that echo in this empty room –

Too many lies lay in my past,
too few words have explained them;
too much time has already passed
to ever try to expunge them.
Too many dreams have been dashed,
too little time to fix them.
Too many capsuled colors have clashed
to ever hope to expel them

and this room is like a carousel;

Each rotation carries me closertoyou
for but an e v a n e s c e n t moment –

I find you in here...

       with your valiant arm
       on my craven shoulder
       as we sat beneath
       Spring’s virgin sun
       I asked if the wound
       on your leg caused you pain
       and you told me nothing hurt
       when you were with me

       from the look in your heart
       I could see you were telling the truth

       just in case, I tapped my foot
       against your injured limb

       you screamed, I ran
       you chased, I laughed
       you tackled me on
       warm welcoming grass

            your body
              on mine

       I never felt so secure

       I silently prayed
       you would never get up

       (another prayer unanswered)

There is a faint sound in the distant background,
unintelligible behind this pounding in my ears.
My heart feels like a kangaroo trying to
kick through my chest.
My eyes had best give in and rest,
the            too much to bear.
     weight
Un fo cused, I stare

                                   into nowhere –

I find you in here...

       sipping hot latte
       in a coffeehouse in Royal Oak
       cool cream slowly dissolving
       you uttered something about
       Kramer on Seinfeld
       but I was lost in the movement
       of your pillow-soft lips
       I asked you when you grew sideburns
       you told me you loved me

       the words rattled in my head

       how could one so perfect
       love one so flawed?
       we finished our coffee
       and you paid the tab
       as we stepped out into January’s indifference
       I slipped on my gloves
       instead of returning your love

The kangaroo has stopped kicking.
My eyes f l u t t e r in response to a light.
A voice, muffled, cuts through the thunder.
(This c-corner is so c-cold)
The light grows brighter
and nearer
until
I f a d e
intoit

Submitted on 2005-01-28 17:28:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  i really enjoyed this poem it has alot of emotions in it and i think that it was very well written i thought that it was sad but good very good
| Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by twotroubledteen | [ Reply to This ]
  my appology for not responding soon'r altho it was add'd to my favarit. well, the way this interpret'd itself to me(in anolog form), & being the controll'd cond. of the room i'm in(pref.cold), i seem'd t to sympathize with the girl who was blind'd by so much regret, she was swallow'd by the walls that corner'd her. so sad.
i look forward to reading part 2!
later.
| Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow man. I think that's like the millionth wow you've received in comments on this piece but it's well deserved.

The words, the way you played with them, the formatting... everything is how it should be. I think it's brilliant how you've woven a visual art element into this - the last strophe in particular had trippy formatting effects...

Bro. Amazing stuff. I'd like to take this away and read it again at my own leisure... and pinch some of those ideas off of you lol. A fave for sure. I'm glad I took a look at these older posts of yours.
Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  Okay, Deagol, my precious, my love . . . here I am, finally. I apologize for taking my sweet ass time getting to this, but I wanted to be in the proper frame of mind before I tackled your work on these two pieces . . . and I am now, so without further annoyance or adieu, here goes, my tremulous tremendous stupendous illustrious magnificanticus blunderbus elephantgunus garganticus maximus decimus meridius ohgetonwithitalreadyus review!

Whew!

Let's begin with S2:

"Too many lies lay in my past,
too few words have explained them;
too much time has already passed
to ever try to expunge them.
Too many dreams have been dashed,
too little time to fix them.
Too many capsuled colors have clashed
to ever hope to expel them"

I want to suggest an idea that came to mind reading this, which is of course good as is, but you know me, ever the technician . . . the lines that begin with "to" . . . I would have delivered these lines in a different fashion to establish a sense of peaks and valleys . . . if you will. Something like:

"to ever try to expunge them."

to something like:

"They will never be expunged,"

"They will never be expelled."

<make them far more aggressive STATEMENTS, rather than passive, as they are now>

Hopefully, you see where I'm going with that idea, so I'll leave it in your capable hands to mull over for a week before realizing what a genius I am and taking my suggestions and thus taking one small step for man, and one giant leap toward the Black Pearl and boat drinks for all!

"Evanescent" should be crunched or shorty-ized in some way, a brief flash <if ES allows for tracking adjustments in its coding> (oh, and fuc/kall, no one's gonna remember the band in 10 years, so use the word; it's one of my all time favorites and I've used it a coupla times with great success).

Next, these four lines lept out at me:

"with your <valiant arm>
on my <craven shoulder>
as we sat beneath
Spring’s <virgin sun>"

I want to suggest something to allieviate the adjectives clustered here. It was like 3 slaps to the hackysac for me, and I believe there's a better way to accomplish your imagery here, which is good. As is, it's just too damned heavy handed for one as subtle and gentle as yourself.

And here you hit your stride, oh, and this is pure genius, just fukkin genius:

"you screamed, I ran
you chased, I laughed
you tackled me on
warm welcoming grass"

The singsong quality to this is superb and unexpected. That's why it works so well here. If someone crafted an entire poem like this, it would be doggerel, but here, it's like skipping along playfully . . . just freaking great on an intuitive level.

Now skipping down because the rest is perfect, we come to:

"There is a faint sound in the distant background,
unintelligible behind this pounding in my ears.
My heart feels like a kangaroo trying to
kick through my chest.
My eyes had best give in and rest,
the too much to bear.
weight
Un fo cused, I stare"

Okay so I'm not gonna do the formatting, but I wanted to say the formatting is very cool here, except the bold lettering on "pounding' and I'd suggest expanding your letters with spaces and contracting it in the middle, maybe making the inside letters bolded, but the rest normal.

If only because it struck me as trying to hard at that point, which took away from the other good <or better> formatting that appears later in the section.

Now let me finish by saying there's nothing else I can suggest and the formatting that appears in the last part of the poem is pleasing, interesting and brilliantly achieved. Some might argue it reduces this to a form piece, but I'd disagree with that. It's experimental and I think you manage to pull it off with a straight face. It IS a hat trick after all, but the poem can hold its own even if the formatting were to be removed by some terrible typesetter's error. You know?

So, my final assessment is, there are a few weak spots but then there are some amazingly great segments as well. A minor edit should bring this into harmony with itself, and at that point, I'd have to say it's brilliant.

PS oh, and if you remove the formatting <italics> in the description, that will get rid of the unsightly scribble at the top of this page!
| Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  wow. speechless. amazing. hi. adorable.
this by far is my favourite part -
with your valiant arm
on my craven shoulder
as we sat beneath
Spring’s virgin sun
I asked if the wound
on your leg caused you pain
and you told me nothing hurt
when you were with me
| Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by Lemmy | [ Reply to This ]
  This David, is perfection! I can not find one thing I would change of word different. I enjoyed the playground for my eyes and mind. You plunged deep into feelings and gently laid them out for us. Beautiful!
dana
| Posted on 2005-02-17 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I read this awhile back when I didn't have the time to comment on it as fully as it deserves, but I cpied it and filed it away for a day such as this when i had the time. This absolutely floors me with it's finely tuned craftmanship. the form, the the formatting and the diverse palpable imagery. You have edited it some since i first read it, and to good advantage. So much has been said already, i will not be redundant, and many of the suggestions i had have already been undertaken. (The ONLY one in fact that hasn't is in the second strophe "to ever try and expunge them."-I would suggest changing "and" to "to"- it sounds better and follows the form of the other two phrases "to fix them-to expel them ".

I really loved the formatting of eveanescent, unfoused and muffled. I understand that formatting takes time, but above all it takes imagination and an artistic eye to use it selectively to bes advantage,-and that you have. I liked the brackets around "(another prayer unanswered)" for the same reason and the hyphenation of shivering in the first strophe and c-c-cold in the last,(which also brings the story full circle back to that corner-and the title)

I simply can't say enough about this-I just read some of the other comments, and I see its' not just me rendered gaping in appreaciation and babbling its' virtues. One suggestion I hadn't thought of , would be learah's of separating the"nowhere" a line or two down-and to the right-if we dare mess with perfection that is.
Just Super, A Fave
| Posted on 2005-02-16 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  Too Long..

Got tired...

Canny concentrate on poems that are..

...Too Long...

...Like yer stuff man...

Good reading all the time...

But that one was...
too...long.
| Posted on 2005-02-16 00:00:00 | by Sanny | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm glad I read the other piece first. They work well together. Experimenting with typography is fun, but I think this poem (because of the depth of the words and phrases themselves) could do without some of the changes in type. For example, I'm not sure if you were trying to contradict the meaning of evanescent by spacing the words out...but I got a bit confused. The changes in case in "unfocused" were distracting, like those at the end of the poem. I like the idea of putting "into it" together, and I liked that you varied the structure of your stanzas. You did a good job conveying the cold (through the hyphenated words) and I liked the imagery of the kangaroo kick in the chest. Overall, I really liked the pieces together.
*amrita*
| Posted on 2005-02-13 00:00:00 | by creativeentity | [ Reply to This ]
  hi there... sorry for the delay in response...

I don't know where to begin to give my impressions on this... it's wonderfully crafted and the story with the presentation make it all captivating... seriously excellent work... there's nothing more to add to this really :)

thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my post... I appreciate it very much :)

take care *hug* xx
| Posted on 2005-02-05 00:00:00 | by Fiine Moods | [ Reply to This ]
  this was so amazing! i was blown away by the language here. i am speechles of the talent that encompasses this poem. it radiates beauty and the most pesonal feelings and thoughts that women have so often. excellent!
-nikki
| Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by stolie77 | [ Reply to This ]
  Super, super piece. This is one of the first ones I've read where the formatting didn't throw everything to pieces. It actually made the poem seem like it was being read to me. I can't really think of any criticism on it...uh...
Yep. Nothing.

Oh, I really liked "another prayer unanswered" in brackets. For some reason in seems like prayer is something you would write in brackets. Good job discovering that. I'll remember it and steal it from you later. ;)

~ Kayla
| Posted on 2005-02-03 00:00:00 | by Niphredil | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey, this is looking really good! I noticed immediately, the difference, like the sh-shiv-vering, and the punctuation. I think the indents look well. Also, you made the couplet, it looks goooood! And the latte line, that works really well, you have reached a compromise with the coffee house too! (you missed an "e" in coffee, though!).
I think the rattled is fine, it's perfectly at home and that's why there's no mention, because it works flawlessly. You're extremely dedicated... and it shows.
Take a deep breath,
take a bow!
:)
| Posted on 2005-02-03 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
  hey dead,

Just wanted to congratulate you on a really excellent piece of writing here. The creative way you used unique structuring of vocab was a showstopper and added alot of spice to this. Also the repetitive use of thet word "too/to" as used here with alot of style that I think you pulled off well.

2 things that I wanted to suggest to you:

1) the use of "evanescenct" kind of turned me off, just because at this point in time it's no longer a solid word but a pretty poignant reference to a pop/rock band. It's too bad, but I think alot of people will draw an image of that band when they read that word instead of the "
fleeting moment" that you were probably going for.

2) Ah as I re-read it forget about number two I have changed my mine.

Dead, this is really cool writing and very fun to read. I do notice a pattern to it and have to ask does it adhere to a specific form or something of your own devising?

peace bro,
mister fizzle
| Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
  Where have you been this whole time? I spend more time than I should on this site merely procrastinating, pretending I don't actually have to study or write senseless papers and instead of me stumbling onto your work, you found me (And I'm very glad you did.) I don't have any criticism for this. All writers have something that makes their work unique and all my favorites on this site write incredible poetry but they have a command over one aspect of writing that stands out, and with you it's the structure of your poetry. Your words have a very contemporary feel to them. You cleverly manipulate the words (ex: "sh shiv vering" and "e v a n e s c e n t") because poetry is not only read, it is also SEEN. I could go on rambling, but I'll stop now and just go hit the Favorites button. Lovely poem.
| Posted on 2005-02-01 00:00:00 | by Memphis | [ Reply to This ]
  hi again,
yes.
i think your chabges here very much tighten up your piece. you have tackled the punctuation in a sensitive manner, and i like the subtle differences.
the end is pretty different also, and i think it runs nicely out.
it was interesting the things you pointed out on my page.i think i picked it up for the most part, and i think that the open ending leaves us to think as to the relationship, and what went on before and what will go on after.
take care
on1eday.co.uk
| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
  Dave - Your best yet! Truly awesome! Let me just read it and enjoy it, which I've done twice now. This is definitely a FAV. Why must we analyze? Oh, yeah! That's why we're here. And I know you want feedback, so here goes.

The ending "fades" for me, my assumption is she dies, and with that, the ending is not final, plus the opening and title put her in a corner, with a light, and in an empty room. So, I must be wrong or at least confused. If my assumption is right (and you know what they say about assuming), then how about "into (nothing)" or "into darkness" or just "I fade / forever".

"Evanescent" is too obscure. I went to 4 dictionaries to find it.

I agree with Sandburg on the "Kramer" thing.

A "kangaroo" heart? I think "roos" are too comical for this piece. If it must kick why not a "kick-boxer trying to escape"or it could pound, thump, or drum.

That's all I have for additional analysis. I want to end by saying that this poem is simply brilliant, a joy to read, expertly crafted, in form, phrasing, and imagery. Just terrific all around. A couple of minor changes and it's a masterpiece.

Simply spell-binding!

I see where you'll be cutting back for a while, so all the best with the screenplay, and we'll see you when you get back.

Phil
| Posted on 2005-01-30 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  ther is a fu-cking multitude of things in this poem to comment on, where the hell do i start.
i have cracked open a diet [coke] because i may be here a while and i am sure there is a part of my head that needs it.
and i have been here at least 6 times to try and get it all in in one sitting.
i so look forward to one and then it just gives me a headache.
there is everything in this piece.
and i dont know if that is a good thing or not.
first, let us talk about formatting. i like some of the devices you use, and i shall give you some examples:
'sh shiv vering from frigid faults that echo in this empty room'
and
'I f a d e'
and
'my eyes f l u t t e r in response to a light'
and
'this c-corner is so c-cold'
the use you show here is good. it is relevant to what you want to say and it is novel without looking too contrived or awkward in your piece. the two devices to convey cold are different enough and similar enough to work.
however, i think you have overdone it a little.
just a little, and the balance is hard but so important.
you have the following:
'unintelligible behind this pounding in my ears'
and
'the weight too much to bear.'
the highlights in this are the same but what you are saying is different, and so they clash in that respect.
the same is with the following:
'there is a faint sound in the distant background'
and
'a voice, muffled, cuts through the thunder'
you have used the same device to convey two slightly different meanings, and they antagonise each other. in both of the above instances i would use one. this way you have what you want to do but you do not prolong the point, and you do not have the push pull effect. i think the key in this piece, because of all the things going on, is to be subtle with what you do.
i also think your last line is somewhat tarnished by the 'it' being made bold. it confuses because you have other bold words which all are made bold for different reasons, and thus we dont know how to read this line. because it is the last line and the last word it becomes the most important, and to me it reads like it should be shouted, which goes against my better judgement by your content.

so thats that.

as for the piece itself, well i think this needs to be broken down into sections too.
as for the mood of your piece, well i think this is what i like best and what works the best.
your piece is long, it moves down side and slip roads, slithers like a serpent, sometimes scurries like a rat up a drainpipe. you make this work because you change mood as often as direction, for example you begin with a little humour:
'sh shiv vering from frigid faults that echo in this empty room'
even though we can already tell at this point that your piece is not essentially comical, you manage to add small and subtle interjections of such so that the piece does not read in too much of a heavy manner, and for me this is important.
you have introspection:
'too many lies lay in my past
too few words have explained them
too much time has already passed
to ever try and expunge them
too many dreams have been dashed
too little time to fix them
too many consumed colors have clashed
to ever hope to expel them.'
this is conveyed well and you are setting us up for the rest of the piece. the repetition is effective in that giving us conflicts between sympathy and apathy [or perhaps something a little less strong than that]
then you procrastinate;
' with your valiant arm
on my craven shoulder
as we sat beneath
Spring’s virgin sun
I asked if the wound
on your leg caused you pain
and you told me nothing hurt
when you were with me

from the look in your heart
I could see you were telling the truth

just in case, I tapped my foot
against your injured limb
you screamed, I ran
you chased, I laughed
you tackled me on
warm welcoming grass'
there is something quite enearing about this, and it seems to be a key ingredient in poetry here at the moment. i am finding many similarities in this kind of work with yourself, and others users, is there some kind of revolution or underground society going on here? it can be good, but it can be bad, and we all need to keep our individuality if we can. having said that all who know each other seem to feed off each other.
it is very arty and farty and this is perhaps where your piece could be tightened up; i think you just go too far off on a tangent here, but this is only because of my own personal preference and not because of what you have written.
and so you go on, winding between moods of self unappreciation and admiration of your subject, and so you pull us here and push us there.
and you get to the end, and i am waiting for an ending to blow me away and it just kind of slides out. and i think it ties into the undecisive air of the piece and works well for me, even though i am left somewhat out on a limb and unsatisfied.
there is the clichéd coffee shops and winter months and such within, also like much i have read here, but i can accept it because you also have interesting and endearing details like the following:
' I asked you when you grew sideburns
you told me you loved me'
and
'you tackled me on
warm welcoming grass.'
so they kind of sit well together. it is like a testimonial to all the poems written like this with your added voice.

and then there is the punctuation.
fu-ck me.
you could edit this until you are blue in the face and go full circle on yourself.
having got nowhere at all.
i dont think it is relevant to dissect it word for word, because you can only really create a feel with your use of such here, and you have a licence to be experimental or alternative with it because of the style of the piece.
i would say that the following could do with some attention:
'un fo cused, I stare into nowhere...

I find you...'
i dont think the double use of extrapolation back to back reads well.
i think you need to look at punctuating some of the parts that end one section and begin the next: both in terms of structure and the direction in mood or physical change of the story. it seems to have been pushed back in place of the formatting, and i can only suggest the following that you could look at.

'here I sit, in this corner, victim of my own devices
sh shiv vering from frigid faults that echo in this empty room [.] [change of direction]

too many lies lay in my past
too few words have explained them
too much time has already passed
to ever try and expunge them
too many dreams have been dashed
too little time to fix them
too many consumed colors have clashed
to ever hope to expel them [,] [change]

and this room is like a carousel

each rotation carries me closertoyou
for but an e v a n e s c e n t moment.[-]

I find you...

with your valiant arm
on my craven shoulder
as we sat beneath
Spring’s virgin sun
I asked if the wound
on your leg caused you pain
and you told me nothing hurt
when you were with me

from the look in your heart
I could see you were telling the truth

just in case, I tapped my foot
against your injured limb
you screamed, I ran
you chased, I laughed
you tackled me on
warm welcoming grass

your body
on mine

I never felt so secure

I silently prayed
you would never get up.

[a gap could hold let us guess this before you say it, or let us think that we did, and it needs a little more room]

(another prayer unanswered)

there is a faint sound in the distant background
unintelligible behind this pounding in my ears
my heart feels like a kangaroo trying to
kick through my chest
my eyes had best give in and rest
the weight too much to bear
un fo cused, I stare into nowhere[-] [relates to the symettry of the previous change]

I find you...

in a coffee shop in Birmingham
we sipped on hot latte
cool cream slowly dissolving
you uttered something about
Kramer on Seinfeld
but I was lost in the movement
of your pillow-soft lips
I asked you when you grew sideburns
you told me you loved me

the words rattled in my head

how could one so perfect
love one so flawed?
we finished our coffee
and you paid the tab
as we stepped out into January’s indifference
I slipped on my gloves
instead of returning your love [;] [another change, but not a stop beacuse we are being brought back to somewhere we have been before in this piece]

the kangaroo has stopped kicking
my eyes f l u t t e r in response to a light
a voice, muffled, cuts through the thunder
this c-corner is so c-cold
the light grows brighter
and nearer
until
I f a d e
into it[.] [just looks complete, you cant be wishy washy all the time!]'

i could go on, but i think this is the feel that may tighten it up a little.

this is epic and i think you have done a damn good job in sucking us in to think of our summer evenings under the tree and in the park with her wearing her long skirt and vest top and sliding through our vision like sepia memories.
you kaleidoscope of images and thought s and styles and moods and directions all go in tomake a vibrant collage of colours.
take care
on1eday.co.uk
| Posted on 2005-01-30 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
  You have created a very beautiful pause in your work. This poem definately should not be reworked. The part I thought was most realistic is when she does not return the words of love. Perhaps the memories of the past over-ride and she's too afraid of making another mistake. I wish you God-speed on your screenplay and hope for your return. Good luck, Carol
| Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
  Interesting, written with the girl as narrator. I missed that in the title, then caught it when the voice asks when sideburns were grown. That threw me, as I thought it was you speaking to the woman in the corner.
Loved the rhymes, some internal,some half, good mix there. Sh shiv vering is good. Kind of a super onomatopoeia.
The only two things I would mention are that the image of the kangaroo in your chest seemed a bit, I don't know. I'm torn between saying it was excessive and saying it was too lighthearted for the rest of the piece. I think here you could use an image somewhere between a cartoon character and an Edgar A Poe character. The second thing was the reference to Kramer. I think you should write this as if it were going to be read two hundred years from now. Your poem may endure but I doubt Seinfeld's memory will! Maybe you could make a reference to something less specific, "she spoke of the supporting cast of a defunct sit-com" or maybe not. Maybe to the future generations Kramer will seem as immortal as actors like Jackie Gleason or Lucille Ball do to my generation.
But anyway, good writing. Sorry to hear you will be spending less time here, but good luck with the screenplay,
Dave
| Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
  I found "sh shiv vering" to be quite witty. "frigid faults that echo in this empty room"is nice too. "Frigid faults" is nice alliteration and frigid, empty rooms do echo with all sorts of things (That reminds me of "Just give me November, the warmth of a whisper in the freezing darkness of
my room" from "When the Curious Girl Relaizes She is Under Glass" by Bright Eyes).

I like the alliteration and wordplay of "lies lay." "too many consumed colors have clashed" is also nice alliteration.

"and this room is like a carousel/each rotation carries me closer to you for but an evanescent moment..." That reminds me of a few drunken hallucinations I've had of old boyfriends and such.

with your valiant arm
on my craven shoulder
as we sat beneath
Spring’s virgin sun

That's full of great adjectives. Mary Oliver says that verbs are the most valuable words in poetry, but adjectives can make or break an otherwise great poem. I love the idea of "Springs virgin sun." "Valiant arm" and "craven shoulder "are nice.

I asked if the wound
on your leg caused you pain
and you told me nothing hurt
when you were with me

That's just so sweet. The wound is kind of enigmatic. It makes me think of "Night and Day" by The Good Life in which Tim Kasher sings about the self-inflicted wounds on his ex-wife's legs.

The next stanza is also very sweet. "just in case, I tapped my foot/ against your injured limb/ you screamed, I ran" is interesting. You broke the love spell for a bit, but only foir a bit.

there is a faint sound in the distant background
unintelligible behind this pounding in my ears
my heart feels like a kangaroo trying to
kick through my chest

I like the bit about the kangaroo. It beats the hell out one of those things from Aliens (kidding).

"I asked you when you grew sideburns/ you told me you loved me" is very quirky. I would've reacted differently if a guy accused me of growing facial hair.

how could one so perfect
love one so flawed?
we finished our coffee
and you paid the tab
as we stepped out into January’s indifference
I slipped on my gloves
instead of returning your love

Well, that's sad, but I know we've all been there. It's hard to say you loe someone when you don't feel worthy.

The last stanza is heartbreaking. I know that feeling of sitting in the dark lost in thoughts of someone you lost due to pride. This is excellent.
| Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  I really hate only praising people's work but I find I am captivated by so many different poets that I can't help myself. You are one of those poets that I just adore your style and writing,
that I have to comment on the warm fuzzy, awww feeling your pieces fill me with. I love the fact that this was in a womans perspective (am I right on that?), and that you begin the piece talking about past hardships and mistakes. The best part is the fading, if you will, into the scenes that the character recalls after a serious of emotions and feelings in the present. It's like smelling a scent of a loved one then recalling their warmth. I just love the feeling this poem gives me! My ultimate favorite part was,
"you tackled me on
warm welcoming grass

your body
on mine

I never felt so secure

I silently prayed
you would never get up
(another prayer unanswered)"

That sent chills up my spine. Excellent write.
-blt
| Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
  this is my favorite poem so far on this site. it was like expieriencing a whole lifetime of emotions. so beautifully visual, and not written in a shakespear poet style, which made it even more realistic to me. very honest and true sounding and oh so sad. giving up love. for what though? this poem was so much fun when it was fun, and so sad when it was sad. i hope one day i can make people feel something when they read my poems like i felt when i read yours. thanks so much for sharing.
| Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by xena z rokax | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. Full of the symbolism that I love. It was so sweet yet sad at the same time. I really liked how you grouped the words together; it helped the imagery, not that it really needed help. It's a great piece of work. ~SirensSong~
| Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by SirensSong | [ Reply to This ]
  There are a million long messages here so I will try to keep this shorter. It is excellent and you have captured exactly the feel of being trapped and unable to get out. Fortunately you just get the courage to walk across the wet paint, and sometimes not. I did not think the form either added or detracted - it was the words that mattered. So compelling. This is one I wish that I had written.
| Posted on 2005-02-18 00:00:00 | by greensnake | [ Reply to This ]
  I know that you are one of the writers on this site who truly wishes for nothing more than to better their work and so I will give you a line-by-line. However...
Far out.
The plot thickens (hah, it really does!)!

"here I sit, in this corner, victim of my own devices"
I like "victim of my own devices. The fact that you begin this with the word "victim" means that you are subtly drawing the readers' sympathy. I would like to see such an epic, with obvious care, time and attention paid to most aspects, be properly capitalised and punctuated. So I would most definitely Cap the "H".
"sh shiv vering from frigid faults that echo in this empty room"
Why not hyphenate the first word? "sh-shiv-vering" helps it gel into one word, and the brain processes it more easily, imho. A full stop would be prudent so the transition into the next set of lines would be easier.

"too many lies lay in my past"
A capital T to begin, a comma at the end?
"too few words have explained them"
Another comma?
"too much time has already passed
to ever try and expunge them"
I love these rhymes and enjoy the repetition (which normally, I HATE!) and think to polish this, a full stop would be a good idea.
"too many dreams have been dashed"
Again, a cap to start, but let's be wily now and use a dash, rather than a comma?
"too little time to fix them"
Another dash?
"too many consumed colors have clashed
to ever hope to expel them"

"and this room is like a carousel" I would utilise the power of ellipses here, but at the beginning of the line. That way, you can keep the preceding line unpunctuated, and lead it into this one, but with the ellipses it creates a ghostly margin where the carousel line could be a continuation of the previous lines or an entity within itself.

"each rotation carries me closertoyou
for but an e v a n e s c e n t moment –"
I would prefer "effervescent" because "evanescent" just reminds me of that crappy goth band. It's a word that is as good and unusual and yet not often found in poetry because it's difficult to incorporate successfully.

"I find you..."
Now. When reading this the first time, I didn't like "find" because that is present tense and the proceeding lines are past tense. I don't know if it should be changed. You don't explain further down, anything about finding her in present tense. And for that, I lean more to changing it to "I found you".

" with your valiant arm
on my craven shoulder
as we sat beneath
Spring’s virgin sun"
I would full stop this line.
" I asked if the wound
on your leg caused you pain
and you told me nothing hurt
when you were with me"
So many lines in this piece are remarkable and beautiful. Tis wordsmithery.

" from the look in your heart
I could see you were telling the truth

just in case, I tapped my foot
against your injured limb"
Here I would take inspiration from the previous couplet and make this a couplet too, allowing the "chase" in the next lines to be highlighted as their own passage.

" you screamed, I ran
you chased, I laughed
you tackled me on
warm welcoming grass"
Beautiful rhyme...

" your body
on mine"
Why not try the ,e, font here?(with full stops on either side of the lowercase "e" of course...) I think that to make "on mine" smaller would be a cool touch in the formatting. Creates the notion that she is truly encompassing.

" I never felt so secure

I silently prayed
you would never get up

(another prayer unanswered)"
All going perfectly. No crits for that. I like the addition of the bracketed words.

"there is a faint sound in the distant background
unintelligible behind this pounding in my ears"
I love this. I love the faint sound, but even more I love the "pounding".
"my heart feels like a kangaroo trying to
kick through my chest"
Excellent metaphor!
"my eyes had best give in and rest
the too much to bear"
weight
LOVE THE WEIGHT! LOVE IT!
"un fo cused, I stare into nowhere –"

I would like to see the "nowhere" as a line of its own, maybe two hits of the "enter" key down and forward spaced. In a poem of this calibre which utilises the formatting feature, you have created a poetic playground in which anything goes and so take full advantage of that license!

"I find you..."
Again. I think even more now that "found" would be better.

" in a coffee shop in Birmingham
we sipped on hot latte"
Surely "lattes"? As latte it sounds singular but there is no "a" to precede that. As a result I was slightly puzzled at this point.
" cool cream slowly dissolving"
OOOH... just love "cool cream".
" you uttered something about
Kramer on Seinfeld
but I was lost in the movement
of your pillow-soft lips"
And "pillow-soft"... *swoons*
" I asked you when you grew sideburns
you told me you loved me"
I like this too... the way lovers can and will throw in "I love you" at random moments that are never incongrous. Nice touch ;) very subtle, too.

" the words rattled in my head

how could one so perfect
love one so flawed?
we finished our coffee
and you paid the tab
as we stepped out into January’s indifference"
January IS indifferent. Good vocab choice.
" I slipped on my gloves
instead of returning your love"
Now, I like that but couldn't help thinking how you were spurning her love? Did she make advances? This is a tad too "telly" for me.
"the kangaroo has stopped kicking
my eyes f l u t t e r in response to a light
a voice, muffled, cuts through the thunder
this c-corner is so c-cold"
As these chattering is emphasised here with hyphens, it makes me think that the "sh-shiv-vering" suggestion I made would be a good one.
"the light grows brighter
and nearer
until
I f a d e
intoit"

I liked the ending. The run-on works well for me and wraps up well. I stopped commenting on the need for capitals at the beginning of new sentences and full stops at the ends, and think you're more than able to figure those out for yourself if you so wish. I understand that you may have perhaps edited this as far as you want it to go, but if you do end up changing it in accordance with anything I have said, could you let me know?
The whole piece is masterfully written and I cannot vocalise enough my adoration for your formatting. There is no clear blame within, although as I said we are immediately drawn to sympathise with our narrator. It's a captivating story and handled well enough, made interesting and appealing, so that even the laziest fourteen year old would read regardless of length and intelligent diction.

Well, well, well bloody done.
Lea
| Posted on 2005-02-02 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, this is very good. I did have a few suggestions, but on a scroll down here, I see that Learah has covered everything that I was thinking. My initial concerns were, as she pointed out, the capitolization. I also noticed the change in tense after "I find you..." but Lea covered that too. Hmm...what do I have left? Well, I think that perhaps the title could be reworked. I think, with the title being an intro to the piece, the first line seems a bit repetitive of the intro.

I really admire your dedication to your work and your attention to detail. This goes, also, for your attention to others' work. I can see, by the amount of terrific advise that you have received here, that your efforts are being rewarded. There's nothing left to be analyzed..lol

So I suppose I leave you with my overall opinion:

Great piece!

-Kristina
| Posted on 2005-02-02 00:00:00 | by Kristina9178 | [ Reply to This ]
  Well i'm impressed. You have done exceedingly well at capturing the perspective of the opposite sex. I failed miserably when i tried it. I can find anything to critisize at this point in time. I love the use of assonance aliteration and onomatopoeia.
| Posted on 2005-02-02 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
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