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    dots Submission Name: wise were wedots

    Author: xena z rokax
    Elite Ratio:    4.54 - 35/35/16
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 762
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 573

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    dotswise were wedots

    wise were we when in desperate hour we did not cry
    our life was torn
    dispair was born
    and we did not mourn

    wise were we when in the darkest hour we did not try
    heavy burdened chest
    we must rest
    i did seem best

    wise were we when in that last hour we dared not ask why
    our minds so numb
    so wittingly dumb
    faster the beating drum

    wise were we when life was taken and we did only sigh
    gone our lovers
    weeping, our mothers
    dead, our brothers

    Submitted on 2005-01-28 21:54:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This poem shows more than a glimmering of talent. You are experimenting with line length, with rhythm and with rhyme. Correct me, if I'm wrong, but you seem to be a fairly young poet, but you are definitely going about things the right way. A good poem is a blend of inspiration and technique. The technique has to be practised and perfected first. So many young poets put the inspiration first and the technique hardly gets a mention. That is definitely putting the cart before the horse. Your horse is in the harness doing a good job, but not yet a perfect job. This poem seems too rhyme-driven. The sense must always dictate the rhyme and not vice versa. That "chest" seems to be wondering a bit what it's doing in the poem and that "drum" definitey is. My last suggestion for improvement would be to clarify precisely what your poem is about. This vague desperation is somewhat unsatisfying for the reader.
    | Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      thank you for your comment. i know that the rhyming was a bit cheesy. it was one of those poems that was forced out. it didn't just come out on it's own. i didn't really know where it was going. i'm trying to write not just when the inspiration hits, but see what happens when i'm actually thinking. when there is not a lot of emotion and it is just words the only way for me to write more is to think of rhyming words and go from there. my well's been a bit dry of late so i was just trying to quench my thirst. i hope that next time what i write is real to me. i think i just read to many books and get all these feelings that aren't mine and they come out sometimes. anyways, sorry for rambling on but i really appreciated you commenting.
    | Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by xena z rokax | [ Reply to This ]

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