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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: i lost my sensesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DontSaveMySoul
    ASL Info:    20/m/cali
    Elite Ratio:    3.84 - 194/184/42
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 350
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 702



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsi lost my sensesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I can't feel...
    Every time I try to touch
    I am numbed with pain
    And smitten for trying

    I can't taste...
    Every time I part my lips
    My tounge is cleaved
    And chastised for my words

    I can't smell...
    Every time I inhale
    I find the scent of some lost love
    And remember all I lost

    I can't hear...
    Every time I unplug my ears
    They are filled with lies
    And told of impending pain

    I can't see...
    Every time I open my eyes
    I see all I will never have
    And remind myself why...

    I can't breath.............




    Submitted on 2005-01-28 22:17:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i like the concept here, but i think this needs work. 'smitten' in line 4, for example doesn't work. you need something much stronger there.
    i just think the abstractness of the poem works against it. you've got senses so prominent at the beginning of each stanza i think you need to follow it with very strong sensory imagery to keep the intensity going.
    anyway, just mho...feel free to take or leave it. :-)
    | Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Well done, the repititive nature worked for this and gave it a flow that would have been lacking other wise. The only suggestion i have is right here:

    I can't smell...
    Every time I inhale
    I find the scent of some lost love
    And remember all I lost.

    I think that the word lost is too close together, so many other words could illustrate a feeling of loss. Change the last lost on the last line and it will work. My personal opinion. Other than that, well done.
    | Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by ACircuitShock | [ Reply to This ]
      Agh. This is somewhat how I feel right now. Perfect poem at the perfect time. I feel like I'm a flower planted in a dessert. I just don't belong here.
    | Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]
      Woohoo ! *hands you a somewhat crumpled red rose* ...Fabulous ...it held be captivated until the end ...And thats not always easy ...I have to admit ..if something doesnt take me in straight away ...i stop reading ..But i loved this ..Really ...Great write
    | Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by Krysti | [ Reply to This ]



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