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My Umbrella

Author: WaxingPoetic
ASL Info:    27 ~ Louisiana
Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 493 /563 /100
Words: 259
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1166
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1454


we all have that person that tries to save us from everything, when sometimes what we really need to do is almost drown to realize that we are ok and can be on our own.

My Umbrella

I walked into the rain and let it enrapture me
I jumped in puddles like I was seven again
With braids and bows flowing down my back
And I didn't care that the rainwater held hidden mysteries that were best left unknown
I thought about you while water splashed onto my face
I remembered all the times you tried to save me
To protect me from hidden demons that I was afraid to let go of
You always held me close to you and let me talk about everything that scared me
You listened when I needed you to
But never really did anything about anything
With the rain cascading down my back
I realized that you have always been my umbrella
You never let me get wet
And handle things on my own
I was never able to jump in a puddle and get my feet wet
We always hopped over them
Instead of rolling up our pants and tiptoeing through
Either way is the easy way out
But now I want to run through the water
Dive into the world head first
And come up gasping for air
All on my own, saving myself
And I know I can do it without you
I have to do it without you
You have always been my umbrella
But now I am going to let you go
I will close you away from the next chapter of my life
I will snap the ribbon around you
And I will walk into the rain and let it enrapture me.

Submitted on 2005-01-28 23:52:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  a very descriptive and diffrent way to explain an umbrella. you brought that simple contraption to life in this piece. the use of enrapture was really good, it gave it so much emotion and feeling to it. i really liked this piece, i would like to read more pieces of regular objects like this, it would be cool to see if you could do it with anything else, thanks again for the write, i liked it
| Posted on 2005-08-03 00:00:00 | by dylanpoe | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Jen, very nice work here. You stayed very consistent with the rain/puddle/umbrella theme, and convincingly so. If there is any change to suggest it is minor...

But never really did anything about anything
With the rain cascading down my back

K. I have no problem with the lack of puncuation. I do this often myself. However, when working without it you can run into things like the sequence above where clarity is lost and the reader hiccups, so to speak, breaking the rhythm, the mood, while reexamining it. If not a period to denote the seperation between these two lines I would consider a line break. I think you would still keep the integrity of the piece by doing so.

I will close you away from the next chapter of my life

This seems a little awkward, and in fact the only note in the whole song I find to be off key. If what you're trying to do with the "close" is in reference to closing an umbrella (which is cool) why not something like "I will close you up and put you in a closet/ Beneath my unused raincoat/and walk in the rain unprotected and let it enrapture me"

See, if you're closing the umbrella and then writing him out of a book you are mixing metaphors. Besides, you've stayed so damn consistent with the rain theme, why add a book?

Anyway, sorry if I've offended. I hope not. This was not my intention. I love this piece. I actually got goose bumps when I came to "But now I want to run through the water/Dive into the world head first/And come up gasping for air/All on my own, saving myself". This is so inspirational, and so pretains to where I'm at right now in my life. Thanks for that!

Excellent work girlfriend.
| Posted on 2005-02-11 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
this was well imaginative.i felt it and brought back and into the present to where the true love will often surface in the way of some care even when i want to go south of their love.

the word-and- in poetry
eh,,,, i dont like to use it when the piece should read like a short story or novel
but i dont see it as a hold back for you yet nor does it have to be
your content is real
your work,varity

its potential art that should not need -and-
to tie it together as a conversation or instruction would need

thanks again
paulie d
anytime you need help in using a feature try clicking on the pm next to my name
and ask
or go to acct and ask webmaster
| Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by paulie d | [ Reply to This ]
  I can read this poem and really feel your conviction. I hope that this poem wasn't about some overbearing lover, but maybe it was about an overbearing parent. In any event, if it was a lover, good riddens. If it was a parent, feel free to explore life w/o the umbrella, just remember, you never want to be without one when you need it. Umbrellas can sometimes be helpful cuz to much rain water on you can get you sick still your style of writting is cool and I really felt your powerful emotion and conviction. The poem is really good.
| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by spoken | [ Reply to This ]
  So Mister Fizzle brought my negative ratio to 60 and now replying will make it -61 but that's fine cuz this needs to be said. He apparently doesn't care what people think about him, to leave a comment like this for everyone to see. So I will say what I have to and also let everyone see it.

I don't have tons of time to sit here and comment on every single poem I read, just to bring my ratio up. That's not why I leave comments. I do it to offer help, to say if something wuz really really great, to say if wow that wuz just, ok I couldn't even finish it, it needs alot of work... you know, etc. So if he wants me to leave fake, unhelpful comments just for him to comment on one of my poems, no that is ok, I'm not gonna do that. I would rather do things the way that I see is right, and not just to please him and get a comment out of him that might not even help... seeing that it seems he is just more concerned with keeping ratios out of the negative. Sorry if this is mean, rude, all of that; but reading his comment pretty much hurt my feelings so I wanted to say something about it. If he woulda left that in a private message, that would have been fine. But doing so in the way that he did surely did not make me want to help anybody, or be nice about it. So thank you Mister Fizzle, I am done now.
| Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by WaxingPoetic | [ Reply to This ]
  this could be taken as it was written to an overbearing parent. thats how i took it anyway. the kind that never let you explore because they're too busy listing all the things that could go wrong to see how many things could go so well. it's like you've realized that you are your own person now that can make their own decisions without the say of your parent. afterall every parent tries to protect their child from the storm that you're now so happily playing in.
| Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by SilentWhisper | [ Reply to This ]
  An excellent poem, straightforward and uncomplicated. You knew where you were going with this befiore you started and you stuck with your plan to produce a well-structured poem that has a clear message and comes to a nice conclusion. You took the one image of the umbrella and sustained it through your whole poem, using it to enlighten our understanding of the relationship you write about.
| Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
  you know I was going to comment on this poem. I have some things to say about it...but I look at your comment ratio and I see a -59. Why should I even bother?
| Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]

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