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Where were you when I could not find my way?
I looked for you all through the day,
Desperately I called your name,
Why is it that you never came?
In my anguish I could only weep,
Drown in grief wide as the ocean is deep,
The waves rose and crashed about,
Still I find myself in endless drought.
Heat scorched with searing pain,
What is it I have to gain
By waiting through these long hours
When will there come merciful rain showers?
In the night I find sweet sleep
Out of this place I quickly leap
In my dreams I see your face
Into your arms I want to race.
My hands and feet are tightly bound,
In this dark place will I ever be found?
Will you come to set me free,
So that with you I can always be?
| first thing. good rhymin. two. your point was well expounded/explained. was like some song by evanescence... okay close to it, the meaning of the lyrics, i mean. tourniquet. good write gurl.||| Posted on 2006-07-31 00:00:00 | by nevender | [ Reply to This ] || the 2nd stanza is a bit everywhere. first you say youre drowning then you say youre in a drought. it sounds nice but contradicting.|
the last stanza seems a bit forced making it a little more difficult to read with flow. the thing is this would sound great without rhyme, so theres no need really to switch your sentences around such as in the last stanza. sometimes the more powerful pieces are those that do not rhyme.
i see a lot of potential but i think this needs a lot of work
|| Posted on 2005-01-29 00:00:00 | by SilentWhisper | [ Reply to This ] |