[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: You... (revised)dots

    Author: morte
    ASL Info:    17/female/earth
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 430/348/55
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 858
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 614

       the original didn't really need to be revised, but this was just a way to work though my current case of writers block...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou... (revised)dots

    My love for you has turned to ebony hate
    Distorted and twisted by bitter sweet fate
    My heart is cloaked by unfathomable night
    Concealing all of your lies from my sight
    That for which you sacrifice it all
    Pushes you towards our fatal fall
    And though i fight we stay entwined
    Your false love leaves my soul blind
    And nothing is what it seems
    As dusk falls on guilty dreams
    Stripping away what's true
    Leaving me with only you
    Not fallen, but shoved
    Casualty of love
    Left with rusted fears
    And my dusty tears

    Submitted on 2005-01-30 18:08:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      hmmm, there is a definate sense of confussion in the narrator's fast-flowing and liquid manner that really sets a brilliant feel to the poem:-)
    | Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by vampire | [ Reply to This ]
      it ends kind of abruptly. i don't know if it is supposed to, but to me, i think you could have written more if you really wanted to. that is just my opinion though, i would extend it. i think it would sound better. but other than that, it was good. great work alex.
    | Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this. I can't find anything thing to critique on as of now. It portrays true emotion of betrayal and its reprocutions. I'm sorry if this has happened to you. It is a fate that should befall no one, yet sadly does. ~SirensSong~
    | Posted on 2005-01-30 00:00:00 | by SirensSong | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Estranged / Shocks written by Daniel Barlow
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Bond written by saartha
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Every..... written by jackz
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Wavelength written by saartha
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Happy Saint Patrick's Day written by poetotoe
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    AI written by poetotoe




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]