This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

You... (revised)

Author: morte
ASL Info:    17/female/earth
Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 430 /348 /55
Words: 94
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1387
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 614


the original didn't really need to be revised, but this was just a way to work though my current case of writers block...

You... (revised)

My love for you has turned to ebony hate
Distorted and twisted by bitter sweet fate
My heart is cloaked by unfathomable night
Concealing all of your lies from my sight
That for which you sacrifice it all
Pushes you towards our fatal fall
And though i fight we stay entwined
Your false love leaves my soul blind
And nothing is what it seems
As dusk falls on guilty dreams
Stripping away what's true
Leaving me with only you
Not fallen, but shoved
Casualty of love
Left with rusted fears
And my dusty tears

Submitted on 2005-01-30 18:08:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  hmmm, there is a definate sense of confussion in the narrator's fast-flowing and liquid manner that really sets a brilliant feel to the poem:-)
| Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by vampire | [ Reply to This ]
  it ends kind of abruptly. i don't know if it is supposed to, but to me, i think you could have written more if you really wanted to. that is just my opinion though, i would extend it. i think it would sound better. but other than that, it was good. great work alex.
| Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked this. I can't find anything thing to critique on as of now. It portrays true emotion of betrayal and its reprocutions. I'm sorry if this has happened to you. It is a fate that should befall no one, yet sadly does. ~SirensSong~
| Posted on 2005-01-30 00:00:00 | by SirensSong | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?