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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You... (revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: morte
    ASL Info:    17/female/earth
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 430/348/55
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 794
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 614



    Description:
       the original didn't really need to be revised, but this was just a way to work though my current case of writers block...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou... (revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    My love for you has turned to ebony hate
    Distorted and twisted by bitter sweet fate
    My heart is cloaked by unfathomable night
    Concealing all of your lies from my sight
    That for which you sacrifice it all
    Pushes you towards our fatal fall
    And though i fight we stay entwined
    Your false love leaves my soul blind
    And nothing is what it seems
    As dusk falls on guilty dreams
    Stripping away what's true
    Leaving me with only you
    Not fallen, but shoved
    Casualty of love
    Left with rusted fears
    And my dusty tears




    Submitted on 2005-01-30 18:08:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      hmmm, there is a definate sense of confussion in the narrator's fast-flowing and liquid manner that really sets a brilliant feel to the poem:-)
    | Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by vampire | [ Reply to This ]
      it ends kind of abruptly. i don't know if it is supposed to, but to me, i think you could have written more if you really wanted to. that is just my opinion though, i would extend it. i think it would sound better. but other than that, it was good. great work alex.
    | Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this. I can't find anything thing to critique on as of now. It portrays true emotion of betrayal and its reprocutions. I'm sorry if this has happened to you. It is a fate that should befall no one, yet sadly does. ~SirensSong~
    | Posted on 2005-01-30 00:00:00 | by SirensSong | [ Reply to This ]


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