Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "GONE BUT FORGIVEN"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 252
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 892
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1381



    Description:
       This is my first entry so REALLY let me have it.
    All my poems were written once. In "LameMansTerms" I never altered the words after the first draft-1st draft=last draft.
    I dont pay too much attention to punctuation but I hope you like it........~m


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"GONE BUT FORGIVEN"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    As I sit blaming.
    Someone I just cant see.
    I know this would never happen to me.
    Evil I have never been.
    I wouldn't and couldn't comit such a sin.
    So many before Me chose "this way" .
    But My God wasnt about to be betrayed.
    Suddenly I realized the place I was in.
    Seemed so Peacefull and full of Happiness,
    a place I've never been.
    Then in the distance a man, started to come near.
    He seemed to know who I was, and why I was here.
    He spoke and his voice was so calm.
    He said "I am God,
    and you chose the wrong path to walk on."
    He said, "It was all my decision,
    and nobody else was involved."
    But the path I chose now allows
    nothing to be resolved."
    By his voice, I knew something wasnt right.
    Before I could ask
    I was blinded by the brightest of lights.
    I asked "what possibly could I have done?"
    He just smiled and said
    "I forgive you my son."
    Then as a sense of peace consumed Me,
    I remembered......
    I used a knife........
    I am dead...............
    I took my own Life.
    ------------------------I/I---I---I<----E-----------------------------




    Submitted on 2005-01-30 22:29:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I wish I knew the story behind this one it seems deeper than one can find from this in itself. It's very sad at the end, suprising ang good but sad. I've known too many to commit suicide, not that I haven't seen worse days where I have thought about it, my idea's have never been those of a knife or a nuce, I often get on the highway late at night windows down, sunroof open, put the pedal to the floor and scream out "Just end it now God, I can't do this anymore! End it!" I haven't done that in a while but I've definitely been there many times. Since you have opened up and told me some stories about you I think I will fill you in on something I struggle with. Your addiction is drugs, sorry was drugs. I understnad that and I have bene there too, thats another story I'd be glad to share if you're interested. But this is about my childhood. My parents got divored when iw as six, my dad was never home he was always out working, my mom beat me everyday for no reason, they divorced I was forced to live with her so the beating continued, slapping me around for nothing, I hated her. Eventually I moved back with my dad who was/still is a work aholic so i didn't know him much but he had a new fiance` named pam who never layed a hand on me but was very verbally abusive, she told me how worthless I am all the time and blah blah, she also punished me very cruely for simple things, one exaple is that I was forced to go to bed w/o dinner every night at 6:30 for two months because I opened the blinds on myt window so i could look at the stars when I went to bed. Yea I know crazy... eventually my dad separated from her and met a woman named becki who has 4 kids of her own abd she favors them for sure, not to mention the fact that after two serious female role models who treated me like dirt I had no respect for female authority, my dad married becki and they are still together, much time has past, fighting arguing feeling worthless still contuned/continues but finally by senior year my dad is trying to become a friend to me and i am lowering the walls I have built form the past. As a result fo al this I have some emotional issues, simple ones are I hold grudges on stuff for a long time, I just can't forget things when people hurt me, but the most serious thing is that my mind will never allow me to feel loved, or desired. I spend everyday of my life fighting my mind, I never ever feel like anyone cares about me in any way, not at home, not with friends, not anywhere. I knwo it isn't true and I try to tell myself that but my mind won't let me, so I struggle a lot with that, and thoughts of suicide often come to me but God is god and I pray through the hard times and I always keep in mind this thought...
    "The bible tells us that god will never give us more than we can handle, look how much has has given me to deal with, he must see a lot in me"
    But just think about it, never ever feeling loved or desired... it's tough, but it's what I go through so you're not alone in your struggles.
    Take Care,
    -Tom
    | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I can say that I like the idea but the religious side of it really wasn't my thing. There were a few common mistakes in spelling in your work. I posted a copy of it within the comment as you can most likely see. This version has been corrected. I changed nothing but spelling. You can delete the body of your work in the submit section then copy and paste this corrected form in there if you wish.

    As I sit wondering and blaming someone I just can't see-
    I know for a fact this would never happen to me-
    An evil person I have never been-
    I wouldn't and couldn't commit such an evil sin.-
    So many before me chose this way-
    But my God wasn't about to be betrayed-
    Suddenly I realized what a beautiful place I was in-
    It seemed peaceful and full of happiness-
    a place I've never been-
    Then off in the distance a man started to come-
    near-
    He appeared to know who I was and why I was
    here.
    He then said , "it was all my decision, nobody else"-
    was involved-
    But this path I chose now allows nothing to-
    be resolved.-
    By the tone of his voice, I knew something-
    wasn't right-
    Before I could ask I was blinded by the
    brightest of lights-
    I asked "what possibly could I have done"-
    He just smiled and said "I forgive You-
    my son"-
    And as a sense of Peace consumed Me -
    I remembered-
    I used a knife-I am dead-
    I took my own Life-... Also, I think that instead of marking lines with the hyphen you should try punctuation instead. It gives your work a more professional appearance.
    | Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by Kenji Light | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    44619

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry